depression is retroactive too...damn

One of the things I've noticed about depression is that it doesn't just affect the present. At it's worst, it somehow seems to be able to color the way I view the past. Events of the past that I'm pretty sure were "good things" are twisted into sad events. This hurts especially because I can sometimes use the past as a sort of refuge. When that option is removed...there is only "nothingness." I know that retreating into the past is not healthy behavior but when it is your only refuge...losing it hurts.

Yes, I find the same. It's almost like a "timeless" disease, affecting not only the present and future, but also the past.

Christine Hassler, a self-help guru, tells us: "Depression is in the past, in reflecting and regretting situations in hind-sight. Anxiety is in the future, the unknown situations that cause stress and angst without even happening yet. The ultimate secret to living in a content frame of mind is to live and think in the present."

She recommends:

• Listen to yourself and live up to your own dreams, not anyone else’s
• Ultimately, accept, respect and love yourself! There is so much destruction and hate in society; give yourself a helpful and peaceful environment by working with yourself, not against yourself.

Actually, a very powerful insight...so much harder to do than say. Sometimes it just feels like I'm in the past, present and future all at the same time...it's just so overwhelming...so I just shut it all down. But I know that is not the answer either. I KNOW connection is always the answer....such a battle to stay out and allow them to happen. I try so hard, but sometimes..I just can't, and it is so frustrating. It hurts being inside the walls after being out for a while. I guess a little like what Arcangel talked about...

I really appreciate your posting this.
Thank you,

Wysteria Blue

Yes, it really is much easier to remember the bad things that have happened and to forget the good things. I know that good things must have happened to me at some point but I do not remember any of them.

Searching through the past has its pitfalls, especially when my state of mind depressed. I can contemplate my feelings many ways, often times when I'm looking for some evidence that its not as bad as it was before . Unfortuantally what I search with in a history prespective is often tainted with the present condition of my illness...rendering all for not.

Letting go of my perspective, presently as with the interpretation of past has helped. Still I would want to take hold of a of my ill mind, knowing not of redirecting my thoughts can help.

That's not quite what I meant I'm not saying that I'm dwelling on bad memories from my past. I frequently do that but that isn't what I'm talking about. What I'm trying to get across is that when I am in a deep state of depression, every memory is filtered through this warped lens of depression.
I could look back on something specific that I know must have been positive/happy and yet I see something very depressing or negative in it.

I think that I get what you are saying. Depending on the day, the same exact memory is seen through a different lens. When I am depressed, everything in my past seems gloomy and sad even though I know that it was not.