[jrae]

i leave on wednesday to make the trip to see my doctor. and i have this feeling that it may be my last visit (or one of the last times)!

these past two months have just taken so much out of me that there's nothing left. i have no more fight left in me.

and the worst part is the financial side of things. i put in an application for social security disability and SSI, only to find out earlier this month that i was denied for both of them! and since my doc is out-of-state, they don't take my "state insurance". [long story, see my earlier posts for more info on that if interested] and my mom said they aren't gonna pay for me to see my doc anymore.

on top of that, my doc and i had planned on changing meds so i'm currently not on anything (need to go at least two weeks with nothing before starting to new stuff). so that 'part of me' is beginning to say "the h*ll with it" and just make my break now.

the extremely bad thing about that is, that if i stop seeing my current doctor, i won't find another one. i don't have the strength to go back to "square one". and with my trust issues, it'd be at least a year before i'd even open up to a new doctor.

having this depression and enduring all the "thoughts" that i have, not much scares me anymore. but one thing that does worry me is knowing that if i stop this battle now (going to doctors and doing meds), i most likely won't start it again!

so what the **** am i suppose to do now???

[eskielover]

Find a doc in the state you are living in now.

I thought that I would never find any good treatment when I moved & found out that they have better care & better options for me financially in the state I moved to than any of my choices where I previously lived.

My trust issues made it hard also & the fact that I really hadn't been satisfied with the care I was getting before....I thought that nothing was ever going to be ok.....so was completely shocked when I found a wonderful psychologist at a price that I can actually afford.

Was lucky to find a wonderful pain specialist also as the pharmacy would no longer fill the prescriptions from my previous state....it was time to make the break anyway as 2100 miles was a long distance to travel to see a pain specialist.

Hope you can find it in your strength to search a bit & maybe even look at the community care clinics. I was surprised at the wonderful quality that have in the state I live in.

[Rohag]

Jrae, how are you holding up?