beginning to think mother caused this,opinions pls

Hi all for a long time I've been thinking that my mother has contributed to my depression,this was also mentioned many years ago in counselling but I defended her.
When I began school I used to cry for her daily,she was loving,kind and me and my brother were her world. When I was 6 dad worked abroad and she juggled her work and us with our child minder,however my brother was always favourite to the point other family members agreed,this hurt but I knew I was daddy's girl,although I only saw him every few months.
She was all for us kids until we became teens and when my depression began,her response was I was attention seeking so I started to see a pdoc on recommendation from our family doctor.
From there I've had numerous illnesses most carrying high risks of cancer related tumours,luckily I'm ok considering,but no matter what she is so selfish towards her own needs she won't even give me a ride in the car(Im physically disabled also) she pays for anything my brother wants and his married.
I know this isn't just a case of sibling rivalry but I'm constantly wanting praise from her,I'm well educated and have 2 lovely children whereas my brother has had police to the door and been in all kinds of trouble. She is not interested in how I cope or understanding any of my long term conditions,what sort of mother is like this?
Please any comments even if they are harsh would be appreciated
Best wishes
JK

As long as your happiness depends on your mother changing, all you can do is wait for her to change. It may be true that your happiness does depend on her actions, but that wouldn't be a very useful thing to believe because the first thing it does is it takes your options away. You have the option of mentally setting her aside, and your brother, too. Start by looking at what you have to work with and decide where you want to go, starting with where you are. I believe you have more resources than you are giving yourself credit for and when you look for them you will be pleasantly surprised.

My oldest sister insists that my mom caused all of her problems, she is not very specific and she is eight years older than me so who knows what could have happened before i was born? Maybe she really was evil? However, it makes me sad for her that she is still carrying around the pain; she is 40 years old. They dont talk to eachother and that is probably best. i have a hard time with being the youngest i was constantly trying to keep up and be the best at whatever and i never succeeded. Its hard to let go of those childhood pains...

Hello, Jk2833! I suspect this is a question for a "family therapist" or "family systems therapist". Your depression doesn't exist in a vacuum and might perhaps be best understood in the larger context of the psychological life of your birth family as a whole.

With that, Inedible is correct. You can't control you mother. It doesn't appear she can be an ally in your struggle with depression. You may need to bolster your boundaries vis-a-vis your mother to get some space to relieve your depression.

I completely agree what Inedible and Rohag say. As soon as your mother's approval becomes less important, things will start feeling better.
I can understand such issues, as I had huge difficulties with my mother and a lot of my current difficulties are related to this relationship including my avoidance of relationships.
At some point, I moved first physically and then as a result gradually emotionally away from her if that makes sense. It doesn't mean that you necessarily resolve everything in this way. I've carried many issues around with me in other ways and it's all a long process. It's a first step though I've found.

Do you know why your mother seems to favor your brother over you? would she be open to a gentle heart to heart with you? Maybe she loves you just as much but something happened that makes it hard for her to show you her love unconditionally. Every problem has a root cause. I hope things will work out well for you-Terry

Hi thank you all for responding to me its much appreciated as always.
My mother can be loving but she's such a control freak also,her job position is for social services and I think she can't emotionally respond to many family members anymore,almost like she can't separate work from home? I don't know anymore,I'm just thankful for my husbands support and love.
It always takes something drastic to happen for her to sympathise or behave like a mother such as previous cancer scares.
I think your all right I need to just stop seeking her approval and speak with the therapist,don't get me wrong she's no monster,I just don't understand her anymore.
Thanks again guys
Take care
JK

It is frustrating how parents play into depression. It's not so easy to just stop seeking approval. For me, I transferred my need for approval from my mother to others (co-workers/managers, etc...) and this causes even more problems. I've only begun to actually delve into this area of my life because of how painful it has been, but doing so is giving me some vague insight into where I act in ways that are harmful to myself emotionally as a result of seeing other adult relationships like the ones my parents gave me.

I hope you are able to work through this in a safe and structured environment to help you feel less influenced emotionally by approval.

Akekaomen, I completely agree with what you say. I have transferred the approval-seeking as well from my mum to others and it has caused problems. I didn't mean to make it sound simple, it's not. I just think / hope that freeing oneself from one damaging relationship can be a start even if it entails transference processes for some time.
But, yes, I have been working on sorting these processes out as well.
I wish it could all be easier.