[Elana05]

Part of my depression is how hard I have come down on myself for not being able to work during major depression. I had been out of work for a long time, then found a job, then I was let go. I was really hurt by it. I allowed myself to feel hopeful and excited that this would be the company for me. I put my all into the job, but it wasn't enough apparently - or something. Everyone seems to tell me they were being totally flaky. It only lasted 3 months. I was just looking at my resume, at all the things I have done in the past and it makes me feel exhausted and confused. Where did I get all of that energy? How did I do that stuff in the past? Today I felt able to get out of the house to buy soap and pick up my prescription at the drugstore and that was good. But it was a struggle.
Tonight I am going into the city to attend a school fair, to see if it's right for me. I am really trying to push myself.
I just sent my resume to a company and I was glad to get a call back right away. It turns out they do industrial stuff, which I love and I find very interesting. But I now realize that a lot of their work is for military applications. Gak. I feel conflicted about this. While I am a supporter of our American military (of course) I don't really condone our current super-sized military industrial complex or most of our recent wars. I am going to go to the interview anyway since I do have experience in industrial sales. And I am trying to not have any expectations, just go with it. Still, when I found out about the military connection I was like, really? Why me? Why couldn't this have been a nice company that makes things for builders or contractors. Why military applications. I'm too liberal for this. Gah... Now I am really going on... Thanks for listening.

[garden gal]

Elana,
Congratulations on getting an interview so quickly. I'm really impressed that you are finding the energy to apply for jobs, as low as it sounds like you were feeling today. And, although it sounds like you are trying to sort out how you feel about the ethics of the company, I do find that it is almost always useful to practice my interviewing skills. Maybe this is the practice round that will make your interview skills that much sharper when the job that you really want comes along....

You're in my thoughts!

peace,
garden gal

[alwaysrejoice]

I too look back on my life and wonder how i did it. I got promoted several times. I was a superstar. now i can barely make it. I can relate. Good luck on your interview.

[Mustkeepjob32]

I really identified with your post. I have had like 7 different jobs in the last TWO YEARS because I have chronic absenteeism. My depression, anxiety, and BPD now makes me miss so many days. I have no FMLA or anything as I never work long enough for a company. They try to hang on to me as long as possible because when I work, I do good work. But they would rather have a mediocre worker who shows up everyday than a good worker who has bad attendance.
No matter how many times I fall, I stand up again, brush myself off and do it again. My parents often tell me that since I can't handle it, I should just not try for the moment. But I have no money and my parents really don't have money so I have to keep trying. I just hope that everytime I've learned something from the previous experience that will help me have better success in the future.

[Rose76]

Wow, I feel so much like I have company on my journey now. I am glad I looked at this thread. I have so much in my life that parallels so much here. Yet, you all, seem to be not ready to give up. MKJ32, you seem to have an underlying optimism, that shines through the disappointment. You look at the failed job as "having learned something." That is so healthy.

Like you other guys above, I look back and say "Who was that person who did all that good stuff, and where can I find her? Is she a figment of my imagination?"

[gma45]

I wish you well on your interview. I have one tomorrow too! I am so nervous, it's been 2 years since I worked outside my house. All the jobs I have had my brain should be full with all the learning experience HA! But that is the way I have always looked at it too. Last job I had I was absent way to much been going down hill ever since!

[BrokenAngel1218]

I hope your interview goes well. In today's economy, it's good just to have one! I think that you should check it out, ask questions and find out all you can before make a final decision. Yes, I agree that there are some thing that are going on with our military that I don't like as well, but 1, a job is a job and any good job today is worth taking and 2, industrial work that involves the military will help people too. I mean our soldiers are out there and they do need support. That's just my opinion, though. If you still think that this job is not right for you after you go to the interview, then don't take it. Sometimes having a job you hate is worse than not having one.
Good luck, and I hope you come to a decision that is right for you.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Rose, thanks for your nice comments. I want to clarify that like two jobs ago I realized that 1, the company is eventually going to fire me for absenteeism no matter what and 2, don't expect perfect working conditions. YET, I still failed two more times after that. So I'm obviously a slow learner in this regard, or my sickness is still the more powerful opponent and/or both.

Z

[memememememe]

I can understand somewhat but I am young I am so sorry and I know how difficult depression is as I belive I am going through it, and my mother has had trouble with jobs latly so I know that you just need to take it and be strong and better places will decide to hire you. Good luck and I hope you can overcome depression.

[Rose76]

MKJ32- it seems I could say the same things. I go between guilt of being a slow learner to dejection that my mind just has let me down. I hope to have a next job and I hope to be able to keep it a few years, until I can collect social security. Years ago, I was told that with therapy I could eliminate problems. But I think some mental health issues are chonic and the best we can hope for is to manage them.

I hope your dog is getting better.

[Roguewave]

I'm currently in a job I hate. It's secure. They value me. Knowing my condition (MDD - I was upfront with it), they offered me telework, with a couple of days in the office. The telework really helped ease me in.

Don't get me wrong, going in is a struggle every day, but I have something to look forward to.

As for your past work, be proud of it!!! Don't use it as a yardstick. You are a different person. Older, wiser (ns). Look at yourself as going in a NEW direction. Look at your future as a possibility and potential for you to unlock. And be kind and gentle with yourself.

Kudos for getting to the fair. It must have been tough, initially. I hope you enjoyed yourself.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Rose,

My dog seems to be stable right now. I totally agree with you about therapy. I think the best we can hope for is to stabilize our conditions enough to be able to work like other people, live life, and hopefully find enjoyment. But we will always have work to do on our selves and that is OK.