[Irvaneorrel]

(Just so you guys know, this is Not a suicidal post even though the topic is mentioned in here a few times, I am just looking for advice and where I should find help.)

Since my elementary school days, I could kind of tell something was "not right" with me. I still don't know what it is, honestly, but I'm emotionally unstable, I know that. And for the past year I have been feeling utterly hopeless and have failed at everything and failed everyone I love, and I've gotten close to just not wanting to be on this earth anymore several times, including tonight, which is why I knew I needed to get support from somewhere, since I lost my last hope for that from my friends earlier tonight. And I don't know what to do.

I'm 17 years old. I had a group of girl best friends for about a decade, from when we were 6 to 16, but they eventually stopped inviting me places and stopped caring. I tried to rekindle the friendship but they weren't interested. Many guys think I'm pretty and want to date me, but they only want me for one thing, never because they actually care. Because of this I've grown very bitter and I don't usually trust people. Last year I thought I "fell in love" with a guy who was heavily into drugs. My grades dropped from As and Bs to Ds and Fs. Every friend I make who I actually care about, stops caring about me within a month.

The last friend I had hope for, who I thought could pull me through senior year, well, we're not friends anymore as of tonight. He's gay, and we've had sleepovers and hangouts and I thought we understood each other. We had many tearful talks but also laughs, and he said that we would be good friends forever and that I'm one of the only people he can be himself around.
He promised me, literally promised me, that he would always be there for me and whenever I needed to talk that he would always be there. A family member of his committed suicide a few months ago and so he always wants to make sure that everyone around him is alright. I honestly thought that we were going to become like best friends.
But for the past week he's been distancing himself from me, and today he said he was starting to hate me "as a joke" but I could tell that he was just not the same, I guess. Tonight was the worst, we were out volunteering. He even joked that he hopes I "overdose" since I have a problem with pills, but so does he so I was very mad at him for saying that in front of a bunch of people. I texted him a long apology/wondering what was going on afterwards and he never replied, and I know for a fact that he saw it. He does that only to people who he dislikes.

And I feel abandoned. I've had depressive thoughts for the past year but what happened tonight just set me over the edge, that I've lost my last friend that I actually thought cared.

I would ask for help from my parents, but the last time I did, they said that I couldn't handle the simplest situations and that I needed to not be so weak. They also threatened not to send me to college if I don't become more emotionally stable. I got accepted and got a small scholarship into a state university just a few weeks ago, despite my bad grades last year, and I cannot let that go by asking my parents to get me help again. The thought of college is the only thing that keeps me going.

Please, any thoughts, advice, ways to get help... please, anything is welcome.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Irvaneorrel!

The last friend I had hope for, who I thought could pull me through senior year, well, we're not friends anymore as of tonight. ...I feel abandoned.

Whether or not you feel better today -- the "day after," this is a genuinely traumatic, possibly destabilizing event. You're right to seek help. It's a pity you cannot feel comfortable turning to your parents for that help.

Once you are in college, you almost certainly will have access to discreet psychological support on campus. Now, however, is there anyone at your school whom you could safely approach -- nurse, (any) counselor, teacher (even if they aren't one of your own), administrator?

Please be safe and keep posting when you can.

[tiffy0415]

i hope you get help soon and i know exactly how you feel as i feel abandoned and alone.. keep having faith and kudos on reaching out to a forum like this... its my first time on here and so far it is helping to get it all out and helps keep my mind off of things good luck and prayers sent your way

[TerryL]

Hi there--one of the most valuable life lessons I have learned is that you cannot force someone to care if they don't, just as I cannot force myself to care about someone else if I don't feel it. It doesn't mean that you are any less worthy a person. It's just that you haven't found the right person yet. True love and friendship usually comes naturally. Having said that, still, I'm sorry you feel so let down by all those around you. I have felt that way too. It does hurt. but don't give up hope of finding a good friend. As for that something about yourself that you feel is "not right", maybe you can try to look deeper to try to find out what that is? Could it have something to do with your parents? and do you know why you feel unstable? So much to think about. Wishing you well--Terry

[TerryL]

I was trying to edit my previous reply but couldn't do it so here is what I wanted to edit--When I said you can't force someone to care if they don't I actually should have said You can't force someone to feel something they don't...