[Onward2wards]

I did a variant of the empty chair technique today, just in my own mind. Things that I wanted to say or do but never did. It was painful, to say the least. I felt myself slipping, within the space of minutes, into a depressive mood.

I've realized something: I don't believe it's clinical depression, I think it's grief.
Discussing this with myself, I say:
Grief for the Self you would be proud to be but feel so rarely gets to come out.
Grief for the more meaningful and engaged life that Self might be leading.
Grief for those whose lives might have been touched more positively by you being that person, but you aren't.
Grief you're not a more meaningful part of those lives.
Grief over the (assumed) death of possibilities.

Because you let fear, pessimism and insecurities reign in the stead of your aspirations.
Because you don't express how you really feel very often at all, not in word, and certainly not in deed.
Because you failed yourself and failed others.
Because you opted to obey cowardice.
Because you believe your regrets will just recur.
Because you tend to give up on your dreams and think your fears more real, even though you rage against it on the inside.
Because you truly care so much about it, you punish yourself over and over.

I am so, so sorry. I need to find my way back to myself. THAT is the aching hole inside: might have been, might be, if only... if only I had the courage to be Me. I've been in denial about it; now it's all flooding out.

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The Evanescence song, Bring Me To Life, sounds so apt today:

wake me up
bid my blood to run
can't wake up
before I come undone
save me
save me from the Nothing I've become



I'll be just fine, I need time to process all this. Possibility is alive and well; rumors of it's death are greatly exaggerated. I'm having problems effectively challenging my own insecurities, my behaviors are more self-defeating than I admit to myself, and I'm experiencing a not-so-wonderful state called self-discrepancy as a result. Feel free to Google.

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Fear: Don't post it, you're embarrassing yourself.
Me: I have just one final thing to say to you ... RUN. *clicks*

[venusss]

wow. I get what are you saying, I just wish I had something meaningful to add.

I just don't think it's ever late... I talked to you many times in the chat, and you are a great person in many ways.

We are sometimes afraid to put ourselves out there, because we are afraid we might have hurt... but we get hurt more by staying inside and not being out there.

I don't really have much wisdom tonight. I will try to come back later.

Hiya On2,

I wanted to say thank you for having the courage to post this. I think it speaks to your willingness to acknowledge what is going on and your desire to recover. When i was in the hospital 24 days in June it took me 21 or so days to find a reason to live. That reason ended up being, in part, my desire to do and be better. It wasn't that I was or did better, it was just knowing that I had the desire within me.

Having said all that, I can completely relate to what you are talking about. I too am struggling with grief, that I haven't accomplished what my peers have been able to accomplish, that I haven't been able to accept myself for who I am and instead berate and belittle myself, that I haven't even been able to muster the strength to get out of bed to make doctors appointments that will ease my pain. I could go on, but just that much is enough.

You are not alone. The way you respond to the world is not your fault. What is your choice is how you respond from here on out. Now you have confronted one of your demons, know that it has lost all the power that it had. Keep fighting it and watch as it shrinks in timidity over your new found power.

Please know that I am here as always should you need somebody to talk to. I have my own stuff going on but listening to and helping others helps me get out of my own head and it's a privilege to called upon as a friend.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[Open Eyes]

((((((((Onward2wards))))))))

You have made a list of what you feel you have not yet accomplished,
How about putting Whys in front of those statements? I understand that you are grieving what you feel you have not achieved, but maybe if you now make those questions and do the chair with the answers you honestly feel, being honest and try to find answers that are not self bashing but maybe things you never got from how your grew up or maybe different things that might have prevented you from learning how to achieve these qualities you feel you didn't accomplish somehow.

I think the list is a beginning of recognition of what might be missing an honest expression of loss or something not yet learned.

We all go through life overlooking certain things and at some point we stop and hopefully can be honest like this and as we are honest, we must conclude, there was clearly something we didn't learn how to do. It doesn't mean we failed others or ourselves, that list is a desire for enlightenment, that is a beginning, without that there is no way to even begin to cut a new path.

Take the list slowly and see if you can learn to cut a new path.

Open Eyes