[DelusionsDaily]

**************** TRIGGER for DEATH***************





I give up just cant keep fighting. Feel like I am teetering on the edge of a cliff one more thing, one wrong move and i will be consumed by depression. I should call T and Pdoc but Im resenting the hell out of needing them. Sometimes I wish depression would just physically kill me it has killed everything else. I hate that a few little things can throw me off soooooo much. Why anyone would love or care about me I have no idea. it is absurd that anyone would. Crap I cant even like/love me. Depression has destroyed EVERYTHING before it really had a chance to happen. Ok ok im done ranting and raving...dont feel any better. Maybe I shouldnt post but i need to.

[TerryL]

Please post more. It will help you feel better. I'm sorry you don't think anyone could love or care about you. How were things growing up?

[lynn P.]

((MELISSSAD81)) - I'm so sorry you're feeling completely overwhelmed and frustrated. Don't feel bad for needing your doctors - everyone needs help sometimes. I have experienced moments where I wished lightening would strike me out of sheer frustration. I don't have anything Einstein to say accept try to be good to yourself like a good friend would - eat something nice and go out for a walk...really look at your surroundings. Reach out for help and I hope these feelings will subside soon.

[alwaysrejoice]

I know sometimes it's hard to call your T or Pdoc. They are used to it, it's ok that you need it. this extreme feeling won't last forever.

[DelusionsDaily]

Called T and left a voicemail...i will hear from her either later today or first thing tomorrow morning. I feel absolutely rediculous for needing this.

[alwaysrejoice]

Your not, they get calls all the time from people who need it. That is why they are there. It's their job.

[DelusionsDaily]

This friday at 11am. Just got her message. Think its time to do morning routine and maybe take dog for a walk. Maybe i will feel a little human again i just feel like the living dead right now.

[turquoisesea]

don't feel bad for needing this. Feel proud that you're reaching out for help - that is good. there is nothing wrong with trying to get the medical care you need.

***hugs*** hope things get better real soon!!! xxxx

[LadeeJunebug]

Sweet Melissa...
How old are you? Is depression something you've dealt with for a long time, or in just the past year or so?

Please know that you are not alone... look around you here in this forum. We are all in this together, some of us at different stages of depression than others, but here to listen and help if we can.

I will tell you that I will be 60 next June and have suffered with this for as long as I can remember. I just didn't realize what it was, or probably more accurate... I didn't want to admit that there might be something wrong with me.

I finally asked for help when I hit bottom about 3 years ago. Everything just started building to a head... I was in the same place you are now. Nowhere to go, no one to understand... locked inside my head and my house afraid to come out.

I won't go into all the details here, but it was bad.Crying all the time, angry over the least little thing... this dark cloud just swallowing me. I was a basket case.

My brother tried to sneak me into the hospital under false pretenses... and all h... let loose! I wasn't suicidal, but they thought I was... they should have asked but didn't. In any event, I did talk to someone from WeCare.org there. She treated me with respect, not like a mental case. Because of her, I finally started getting the help I had needed for so long.

Depression is depression... it is caused by many different things. An imbalance in the brain causes us to deal with things differently than others would. It's not something that's our fault or that we can control on our own... But it must be treated.

Sweetie... like it or not, we all must get the help we need to get the healing process started and to keep it moving forward. I'm not through my depression by a long shot. Whether I'll ever totally get through it is in God's hands, but what I can do and you can too... Is do whatever it takes to get on the right path to the peace of mind we so deserve. One day at a time.

What I have learned in the past couple of years is...
-I can't own anyone's problems but my own.

-I have to learn to do what's best for me at this point in my depression, whatever point that might be, and not worry what any one else thinks or says about it.

In my case... with the Holidays coming, I start getting really upset. I and my family have become seriously distanced over the years. Mostly because I have distanced myself from them because of my depression. I am extremely uncomfortable around most of them. My therapist had told me if that stressed me to that extent, then stay away from it until my stress level could handle it. I did stay away that year... then celebrated with them last year... but will not this year. Things have happened to cause me pull back again.

-I have to learn to love myself again...

That's a real tough one for all of us, I think. I've hated myself for as long as I can remember. Kinda goes along with... never being good enough, or living up to someone else's expectations, told by parents you'll never amount to anything, being bullied in school, called names, etc... We all can relate to these things in one way or another.
If we don't learn to love ourselves at an early age, it gets more difficult with age. The really sad part with me, is I hurt my 2 daughters in the same way, not even realizing what I had done at the time. The difference between me and my mother is that I can say I was wrong to my girls and have. My mom, however, will deny everything and has.

-Try as much as you can to say positive things to yourself: I am worth loving... I am a beautiful person... boy even I'm having a hard time with those right now, but you know what I mean.

The point to all this is... do not blame yourself for your depression. You cannot just think it away. Do not berate yourself for needing help. I did and look how long it took me to get it. Be totally honest about everything with your therapist. They can't help us if we are not.

The best advice I received was from WeCare:
Find a Primary doctor that deals with depression. I found out the hard way, that not all doctors know how to handle it. So don't be afraid to ask.
Then let them get you on the proper meds to even out your moods so you can function. It may take a while to find what works, but stay with it. Once on your meds it usually will take 2-3 weeks for them to kick in the way they need to.

Find a therapist you are comfortable with and can relate to. It does no good to stay with one that just doesn't seem to be a good fit. You'll know when you've found the right one. You will pour out your soul in a way you've never done before. (It will feel so good)
Stay in therapy... I quit too soon, after 5 months, I know that now and need to start again. One visit won't do it. Please stay with it. They understand you better than anyone else ever could, besides those of us here.

I surely did not mean to ramble on like this. Guess I needed to vent a little myself! I hope it all somehow it will give you some comfort that you are not alone in this.

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks everyone. I have an awesome T that I will see Friday. While I didnt actually talk to her over the phone, we left messages for each other, she knowa something is up I could tell by her initial return phone call...though I didnt actually divulge any details on the phone. Finally got up and did my usual stuff. It is just strange to catch it before sui and hospital i think i began spiralling about my indecision of what to and imdid something i felt a tiny tiny bit better....its still really shaky.

[alwaysrejoice]

You can get through this, you have most likely gotten through it before, right?

[turquoisesea]

oh glad your T is perceptive and reaching out =) Friday's not too far, hang in there

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

**************** TRIGGER for DEATH***************





I give up just cant keep fighting. Feel like I am teetering on the edge of a cliff one more thing, one wrong move and i will be consumed by depression. I should call T and Pdoc but Im resenting the hell out of needing them. Sometimes I wish depression would just physically kill me it has killed everything else. I hate that a few little things can throw me off soooooo much. Why anyone would love or care about me I have no idea. it is absurd that anyone would. Crap I cant even like/love me. Depression has destroyed EVERYTHING before it really had a chance to happen. Ok ok im done ranting and raving...dont feel any better. Maybe I shouldnt post but i need to.

Melissa everything you said could have been written by me. I understand completely and I'm so sorry you are feeling so desperate.