[DespondentDaisy]

It fits my mood perfectly. I try so hard to be up and happy, my pills don't always work because my life is so ****** right now(even though I've upped my prozac to 20mg recently I think I need more). I really need to find another job soon, anything better than where I'm working now before I get my new career as an editor set up- otherwise I fear I might start cutting myself again, or maybe try to do something worse. I really am trying not to hate my life. I just feel like I've made so many mistakes and now have basically no close friends outside of my family (who's kidding, my mother- hate/love relationship) that I’m slowly falling apart. I’ve always been one to believe that fiends and family is more important than money, and I have little of both right now, which is REALLY hard for me to deal with.
I’m trying not to go back to smoking weed, over 6 months clean now. Though sometimes it’d be nice to forget my worries and get high, though I don’t because I know it’ll get me nowhere, and has led to more problems than not for me in the past when I was using.
I don't know if my relationship with my boyfriend is going anywhere, but I do love him and he makes me happy when he's around. I'd like it if he helped clean up a bit more around our place though.
I'm realizing I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder- or depressive bipolar, I forget the term. I realize I don't always perceive things correctly. I will think someone has a problem with me, but then discover I'm reading between lines that aren't there, aka. seeing something that's not there- I think too much perhaps- on top of that my job, besides being unfit to my skill and intelligent level, it's also a job that requires me to be more outgoing than I am. Considering I also believe I'm shizotypal - the whole situation of my life right now just adds to my depression and social anxiety. That and I effin mumble instead of speak for the most part. Sometimes I get frustrated and just want to hurt/kill someone or myself. I also am a peaceful person by nature so these feelings are very conflicting. I know I scare off potential friends because I'm way too intense, though I try to maintain a sense of laid-backness and laugh away my anxieties when I can. I joke more when I'm depressed . . weird. I have an appt with my pdoc coming up next month, I can't wait. I've left her some messages about the bipolar and shizotypal worries; hopefully I can get a handle on things soon.

[jitters]

Congratulations on your sobriety! I know it's tempting to revert to old behaviors when the going gets tough, but it's so much easier to maintain sobriety than recover from a relapse. Keep telling yourself how proud you are of that six month success story and that you have it in you to go the distance. I hope you've got a support group you can turn to as well.

I’ve always been one to believe that fiends and family is more important than money, and I have little of both right now, which is REALLY hard for me to deal with.

I'm singing the same song. I think all we can do is keep moving forward and believe things will get better before long. The editing career sounds exciting. Are you starting a new job in editing soon or did I misunderstand?

About your bipolar and schizotypal concerns, I know (believe me, I know) how difficult it is to refrain from making self-diagnoses, but that's a one-way ticket to crazy-making town. You sound like an overly analytical type, which will make you a fabulous editor; I'm sure you realize it's not conducive to rational thinking, on the other hand. Depression can manifest in psychotic and borderline psychotic symptoms, and you don't want to inadvertently railroad your pdoc into giving you a misdiagnosis. I've learned to stick to discussing symptoms and leave the labeling to the pro. Besides, it doesn't really matter what label your symptoms have, what matters is that your treatment plan is working for you.

I will think someone has a problem with me, but then discover I'm reading between lines that aren't there, aka. seeing something that's not there

Hypersensitivity is common with depression.

I effin mumble instead of speak for the most part.

I mumble, stammer, slur, and have trouble modulating the volume of my voice.

Sometimes I get frustrated and just want to hurt/kill someone or myself. I also am a peaceful person by nature so these feelings are very conflicting.

If you ever seriously feel like you might hurt yourself or someone else, please don't hesitate to call 911. If, on the other hand, you're feeling ragey and wanting to lash out physically but are able to control that impulse, that's not that uncommon. It *could* be something else, but depression is transmuted into anger in some people. It's certainly something you'd want to mention to your pdoc.

I know I scare off potential friends because I'm way too intense, though I try to maintain a sense of laid-backness and laugh away my anxieties when I can. I joke more when I'm depressed . . weird.

Not weird. Joking can be a coping mechanism. And I'm assuming you mean you have a short-temper when you say you're "way too intense". Irritability is definitely a symptom of depression.

Don't worry, you and pdoc will get it all figured out. I hope you feel better soon.

[DespondentDaisy]

I just want to fix something, but it's too late- I meant to say sometimes I feel like hurting/killing myself, or hurting other people- not kill them- usually it's when someone is being a total jerk- but really I just want to tell them off verbally.

Originally Posted by DespondentDaisy

It fits my mood perfectly. I try so hard to be up and happy, my pills don't always work because my life is so ****** right now(even though I've upped my prozac to 20mg recently I think I need more). I really need to find another job soon, anything better than where I'm working now before I get my new career as an editor set up- otherwise I fear I might start cutting myself again, or maybe try to do something worse. I really am trying not to hate my life. I just feel like I've made so many mistakes and now have basically no close friends outside of my family (who's kidding, my mother- hate/love relationship) that I’m slowly falling apart. I’ve always been one to believe that fiends and family is more important than money, and I have little of both right now, which is REALLY hard for me to deal with.
I’m trying not to go back to smoking weed, over 6 months clean now. Though sometimes it’d be nice to forget my worries and get high, though I don’t because I know it’ll get me nowhere, and has led to more problems than not for me in the past when I was using.
I don't know if my relationship with my boyfriend is going anywhere, but I do love him and he makes me happy when he's around. I'd like it if he helped clean up a bit more around our place though.
I'm realizing I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder- or depressive bipolar, I forget the term. I realize I don't always perceive things correctly. I will think someone has a problem with me, but then discover I'm reading between lines that aren't there, aka. seeing something that's not there- I think too much perhaps- on top of that my job, besides being unfit to my skill and intelligent level, it's also a job that requires me to be more outgoing than I am. Considering I also believe I'm shizotypal - the whole situation of my life right now just adds to my depression and social anxiety. That and I effin mumble instead of speak for the most part. Sometimes I get frustrated and just want to hurt/kill someone or myself. I also am a peaceful person by nature so these feelings are very conflicting. I know I scare off potential friends because I'm way too intense, though I try to maintain a sense of laid-backness and laugh away my anxieties when I can. I joke more when I'm depressed . . weird. I have an appt with my pdoc coming up next month, I can't wait. I've left her some messages about the bipolar and shizotypal worries; hopefully I can get a handle on things soon.

[DespondentDaisy]

I'm singing the same song. I think all we can do is keep moving forward and believe things will get better before long. The editing career sounds exciting. Are you starting a new job in editing soon or did I misunderstand?

No, I'm plannign on getting credentials to become an editor, I have a real knack for it. Plus I've always loved to write, I plan on doing that on the side, unless it becomes more lucrative. I've always been afraid of pursuing writing as a career, but I figure editing would be a good stepping stone. Unless I'm really good at it I'll just stick with writing creatively on the side



If you ever seriously feel like you might hurt yourself or someone else, please don't hesitate to call 911. If, on the other hand, you're feeling ragey and wanting to lash out physically but are able to control that impulse, that's not that uncommon. It *could* be something else, but depression is transmuted into anger in some people. It's certainly something you'd want to mention to your pdoc.

I made an editing note about that- I was thinking about that today, how that came across, I didn't mean to say kill someone, hjust maybe hurt them- but mainly it's an overexasperated feeling, what I really want to do is tell them off- and perhaps hurt myself.

Not weird. Joking can be a coping mechanism. And I'm assuming you mean you have a short-temper when you say you're "way too intense". Irritability is definitely a symptom of depression.

What I mean, is I get to close too fast with people and that scares them I think- I don't hacve a short temper at all. On the conttrary, I've been told I have the patience of an angel (usually at work in dealing with unreasonable people)

[jitters]

Originally Posted by DespondentDaisy

No, I'm plannign on getting credentials to become an editor, I have a real knack for it. Plus I've always loved to write, I plan on doing that on the side, unless it becomes more lucrative. I've always been afraid of pursuing writing as a career, but I figure editing would be a good stepping stone. Unless I'm really good at it I'll just stick with writing creatively on the side

Sounds like a good plan. I like the idea of pursuing your dreams while following a pragmatic career track.

What I mean, is I get to close too fast with people and that scares them I think

I see. I've been the same way in the past. I have to remind myself that relationships take time to build and ones that are built too quickly always wind up superficial and short-lived, so it's worth it to go slow.

I don't hacve a short temper at all. On the conttrary, I've been told I have the patience of an angel (usually at work in dealing with unreasonable people)

It's a shame you can't bottle that - you'd be a millionaire :-)