[DespondentDaisy]

It's happening again. Thoughts of suicide profusely fill my head. I just keep thinking if I could start over I would get it right. I wouldn't be such a loser. I was crying myself to sleep last night, quietly next to my boyfriend so he wouldn't hear. I've talked to him about how I'm depressed. He's supportive and wishes I wasn't depressed, but he doesn't really understand because he's never had depression himself before. We went out to dinner last night with my brother and wife who were still in town for the holiday, their friends whome we'd been on a bowling team with before were there(before my brother and wife moved early this year out of state). At one point the guy mentioned a friend from highschool and I just realized how out of touch I am. Granted my boyfriend didn't keep tyes with his friends from highschool, he moved too but he also didn't lose all his friends through drugs or isolation and now have no one to turn to he has plenty of friends. I turn to my mom as my friend, I have a friend who lives in my building, but I'm sure I'm not her closest friend, she has many other ones she's known for much longer. I just keep thinking about all my mistakes and how I should'nt have hung with the party crowd in college, and how I got so far off track and now I just don't feel the same in social situations, like I'm retarded or something.
Maybe smoking weed so long affected me and I'm still getting used to living without it- I feel quite dull now, not as lively. Granted I would'nt smoke and be with family and friends, but the after effects would make me more social the day after. Now I just feel like I'm on the outside, listening, trying to find a way to add to the conversation, not as happy for the most part. I guess I'm tuned in to reality now, which is good, but it does nothing for my confidence level because to make friends, people tend to not want to hang out with people who seem down or depressed. Whatever. Plus I don't know what to talk about anymore- besides the basic about myself and what I'm up to lately etc or the current events or stupid gossip or my family or some dumb shows that I usually don't like the same thing as they do anyway. Whatever. Perhaps I'm more bipolar than borderline, because I don't always feel this way.
I was thinking perhaps I could talk to my oldest brother about my feelings of suicide, he attempted four times unsuccessfully before having to go to the emergency room and then being treated for clinical depression. This was when he was like 20 and I was still in highschool- he's doing better now- married, happy- he still has at least one close friend from college- I don't even have that anymore! God, I'm crying now again-Anyway, I don't think he wants to hear how I feel, what would he say? I don't even know what I'd want him to say- he'd probably tell me I whould go to a doctor or something. And then tell my mom- I don't know. -
I have to go to work and I hate it and I have to be engaging and appear upbeat- I don't want to burden people with my problems, my coworkers wouldn't care anyway- well, maybe like one of them would, she's more my friend. Damn, my guilt keeps me from doing bad things to myself but what about my happiness? I feel like I'm going to be such an isolated miserable person for the rest of my life. I need to get over this feeling. I know things can get better, I just don't know how or when that will be. Damn I need to stop crying...

ps. sorry if this whole thing is rambling, I have to go get ready for work now.

[roads]

Hey, Daisy. I didn't keep any of my friends from high school or college. Always just moved on, thinking no one would want to keep up with me, which is probably true. Or was. I left grad school an alcoholic, finally had to give that up.
Well, I could have just died, but I guess I wasn't ready. Can't imagine why not. Lousy, empty life.
Finally got dx'd bipolar, got some drugs that really helped, got some really good therapy. I'm 65 now. Still struggle but I'm still alive. Lots of life I actually enjoy.
I'm telling you this because I don't want you to give up. I don't think you're so far from finding your own path to healing. How about your brother or your mom ... sure they wouldn't hear you? We've got to find you a place to start.

[DespondentDaisy]

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

Hey, Daisy. I didn't keep any of my friends from high school or college. Always just moved on, thinking no one would want to keep up with me, which is probably true. Or was. I left grad school an alcoholic, finally had to give that up.
Well, I could have just died, but I guess I wasn't ready. Can't imagine why not. Lousy, empty life.
Finally got dx'd bipolar, got some drugs that really helped, got some really good therapy. I'm 65 now. Still struggle but I'm still alive. Lots of life I actually enjoy.
I'm telling you this because I don't want you to give up. I don't think you're so far from finding your own path to healing. How about your brother or your mom ... sure they wouldn't hear you? We've got to find you a place to start.

I'm feeling a bit better than I was this morning now. I don't know, I'm also dealing with having two full periods a month, going on 5 months now, going to see my GYOB early December after already coming back negative for a whole lot of other stuff when I went to see my doctor a couple of weeks ago. That could have something to do with it. Like I said I don't always feel like that. The feeling comes and goes. I am working on finding a new job and starting a new career, it's just really slow right now, and sometimes I let my loneliness get the best of me. Thanks for the support!

Hey Daisy. I have an awful time right around my period as well. It's like someone flips a switch; no one really understands how this is, you know? Wish they could live inside my head.

I understand how you feel. I feel pretty badly right now too. It's hard for me to say "hang in there" because I don't like to hear that when I feel bad...I want someone to sit with me. Come over and watch a movie, bring ice cream, laugh with me. I'm a quality time kinda girl. I don't have people to do that. But...hang in there. That's all I have to offer you, so I'm offering it.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Despondent Daisy ))))))))))))))