[Cocopops123]

I've always been a little different. Although it has never caused me much grief in the outside world (never was bullied, had plenty of friends, and always seemed to be apart of the so called popular group) I have always had odd moments that have left me second guessing my life, self and everything. You always hear the saying "I can be surrounded by people and feel alone" this is not the case with myself. It's when I'm actually "alone" that I start to feel depressed, odd, tired and I start think about so much screwed up stuff. I don't know what my problem is. I have a great life and love it but when I'm suddenly alone or doing nothing I start thinking weird things or try and come up with things to do that usually involve going out, smoking weed or other recreational activities. Why do I feel so unhappy when I am alone?. Is it because I'm trying to hide something from myself? I have other issues such as being unsure off my sexuality, this has ****ed up a few things for me in the past and present. I guess I should mention I was raped when I was in my last year of high school. I did go through a hard time, but after a couple of years I got over it and forgetting about it has helped, this is actually the first time I have mentioned it in a year and the thought off it is numb and I'm actually emotionless towards the subject. I have a constant interest in experimenting with drugs. Drugs intrigue me, I'm not addicted to any drug and apart from weed only try other drugs in the weekend. The idea of LSD, magic mushrooms, DMT, weed and MDMA are my main fascinations. I've never tried heroin and by no means want to try it (I'm not suicidal, and never have been) but I have tried others like meth and whippa once or twice. Why am I so interested in drugs? I own books about drugs/trips/etc and I always think if there was a job where you sampled different psychedelics and wrote about your experiences that it would be my dream job. I'm a bubbly person around people and get along with most people because I enjoy different personalities. When I'm alone to stop myself from being depressed I often read or write stories. Most in which don't make sense to the average human being.
I'm 20 and female, I don't like relationships, I have an emotional relationship and sometimes physical relationship with a girl and a mostly physical but comfortable and happy relationship with a guy. The girl I have been seeing for a year, she has a boyfriend but he doesn't seem to care about our little bit of fun (half the time I don't think she tells him) The guy I have been seeing for a little over a year, I was sexually attracted to him and the relationship started off as casual sex which lead to a connection. We ended up being "in a relationship for 6 months" until I broke it off because of commitment issues. We are still sleeping together and I have a close relationship with him though I can't bring myself to step forward and be "official" again, I hate the idea off "official".

Please anyone help me out?
I don't know why I am the way I am and I always end up on some depression site pleading for an answer.

[stern]

You have got many issues to deal with. Rape, homosexuality, drugs and hesitation for a committed life. It seems that you are striving for ecstasy by trying out different kind of stuff. You have to identify why your soul is so restless. You need to consult a psychiatrist who will help you much better than anybody else in this community. Wish you good luck!

[gma45]

You May think you are over your issues with the rape, I am not a Dr. but I think you still have some things to deal with. Why the fascination with wanting to do drugs? So you don't have to think about or deal with all the other stuff in your life. Just a thought! You sound like a great person that has a lot to offer. Just stay away from the drugs they are not worth it I tried them all for you no need for you to go through it believe me it's not pretty!

i didn't need to read everything...

what I believe is it's all said in the beginning...
a little different!

it's ok

we maybe just need some attention cos the world overwhelms us...

and it's hard to find the time to hurt properly...

I hurt beyond myself and the effort I put into being well makes me sick...

[blitzersun]

hallucengetics made me insane i dont recommend them! probabaly will never recover and now my life is harder to get ahead in

[bluemountains]

Hi Cocoapops123,

I can relate to much of your story. My abuse took place much earlier in life, but my habits as a teenager and young adult were very similar to yours. I, too, was part of a great crowd, and enjoyed the parties, etc. I loved experimenting with drugs, with my favorites being mushrooms, lsd, and cocaine. I also loved to drink and party. I don't have a tragic end to this part of my life-I just grew older and away from this lifestyle. I was very intrigued with the free-living life of the hippies and their drug use, although I had missed it by a decade. I loved living as a free spirit in college and the immediate years after!

As for being "alone", you have described perfectly how I have felt much of my life. I am thirty years older than you, and I can tell you where I am now, not to suggest that your life will in any way resemble mine years down the road, but just for information. I have been treated for severe depression for the last 10 years, and more than likely have had depression all of my life. I now have a husband and four children, and I am also dealing with my children's mental issues. In therapy, I am in the process of coming to terms with abuse and a rape attempt from my childhood years, as well as growing up with alcoholic, divorced parents. I also experienced many years of neglect because my parents were big partiers. Overall now, I am okay and most days I feel pretty good in my world.

It sounds like currently you are confused about your relationships. Maybe you aren't ready yet or haven't found the right person for an emotional, deep relationship but that doesn't mean that it won't happen. As for who you have a relationship with, male or female, I personally don't feel that part matters, but that's just me. I think we owe ourselves happiness with whomever we can find it.

Good luck in your journey!

Bluemountains