[Shadow-world]

I thought things had been going better since I've been back from holiday, but everything seems to be falling to pieces again.

My line manager asked me to have a word with her today and basically said that my behaviour is immature, that I'm oversensitive and that I'm disrupting the service / the team etc. She tried to be nice and 'constructive' in the end and tried to say some positive things about me and my work, but I felt so upset.

I had written her an email and I think I was within my rights to write it. Basically, I said that I didn't like it when she said to me in a certain context "Have you got a brain?" and I put it as politely as possible. I explained that it's hurtful and that I wouldn't say such a thing etc. She was furious and said that I should stop writing emails like this, that there's a lot of time spent on me being upset and sorting this out, that the world doesn't revolve around me and that I am in tears so often and upset / disrupt the others. Besides, I'm not really working within the team properly etc. Yes, she tried to be nice and understanding later and maybe a lot of the things are my fault, but the whole thing has shaken me up so badly I can't really cope with it.

I just want a way out of all this.

This is not all. There are other things like disappointments about personal things, but the work situation is right now completely bad.

I don't know what to do any longer. I just can't cope with this any longer.
If I'm immature so be it. If I'm disruptive or oversensitive ... well. I just wish I'd never have to back there again. I just wish I would wake up and everything had just been a bad dream and none of that is real.

If I hand in my notice on Monday, I will not only lose my job and income, I will also lose my accommodation, because the accommodation is tied to my workplace and I can't live there any longer after leaving.

I feel desperate. Am I just rubbish and a burden and problem to others?

[depressedalaskan]

No you are not rubbish, a burden or a problem for others.
I have been working on telling myself I am not worthless, even though my illness tells me that I am. Try to push back when your illness tells you these things. It is hard, I am not worthless, I am not worthless, I am not worthless.
As for your boss - there are many people that do not understand depression - your boss sounds like one of them.
The harsh things your boss siad would hurt almost everyone. Your boss should not be aloud to say things like that to anyone under her / his watch.

[Rohag]

Hello, Shadow-world!

Personally, I do not believe you are immature. Beyond that, I feel it is rarely useful to examine such issues in terms of maturity-immaturity. I am inclined to view you as a "highly sensitive person" (Google search).

You could easily cease formally communicating your feelings to your superiors and co-workers, but your sensitivity and its associated tears would persist. How long do you think you could hold on in your present environment while seeking another, more sensitive-person-friendly situation?

Originally Posted by Shadow-world

Am I just rubbish and a burden and problem to others?

Rubbish!? You are the same Shadow-world who recently experienced an elevation of spirit in South India. That person -- you -- is certainly not rubbish.

It seems your work superior is sending, or has decided to send the message you are a burden and problem whether or not you really are. Maybe they are well-meaning and maybe not. Regardless, you can only control just so much about yourself and performance.

Go ahead and spill here as many of your overwhelmed feelings as you want.

[IceCreamKid]

You are a person of value and you have a rightful place in the world. Stick with your job. Take what good you can from what your manager said and make what changes you can to get along better with the team. You were right to tell your manager you didn't like her saying "do you have a brain?" and I am not a bit surprised she got angry when you called her on it. That tells me she knew she was in the wrong and she probably didn't like you creating a paper trail. But she is unlikely to admit it. Ever. If she says something like that again, calmly answer her immediately, in front of others: "I respect you. Please show me the same respect and stop saying that." No need to cry or raise your voice. Some people are uncouth and don't have proper manners and don't care to learn. I don't think that means we have to swallow all their crud. I work among some horrible people. I plan to find another position but until then I'm staying because I need the money. I think you should stay until you can find another position. Don't let one ill-mannered manager drive you out of your job. Courage!

[roads]

Dear Shadow-world,

I have two words for your boss & her opinion: Bah! Humbug!

Please take very much to heart what depressedalaskan, IceCreamKid, & Rohag have taken the time to thoughtfully respond to you in light of this woman's words/actions directed at you. Even giving her weight for being IRL for you, I'd still have to think the opinions of these three PCers win out regardless of their being virtual.

I am so glad you wrote the email you wrote. "Have you got a brain?" is completely out of line for any supervisor to say to an employee, no matter the context. If you have a decently-functioning HR department, she would go on report for this alone.

Take heart, Shadow-world. The strength you found in India is still within you. Be quiet & listen.

Roadrunner

[Shadow-world]

Thank you so much for your responses, everyone! I'm really grateful you've taken the time to read and respond to my concerns. It does help.

I haven't slept well and it's still completely overwhelming me, but I will try not to listen to the inner voice that keeps telling me to either resign on Monday or just stay away from work. I try to keep going in my job for the moment, but I need to get the nagging voices out of my head that tell me to do rash things and that threaten to get the better of me.
Maybe I'll try meditation again. Distracting myself otherwise is a bit difficult. It's finding the strength again, I guess.

[Shadow-world]

Maybe it's worth to speak to HR, the Equality & Diversity Manager and Occupational Health, as I don't feel I can just ignore it, but if I want to stay on I need some support.
Anyone any thoughts on this? It might make things worse, but they are already bad.
I don't know.

....I don't read much more than the first few words!

falling apart?

it's the most un-natural reaction to what appears to be natural.

[lad007]

I was having some similar problems at work a while back, and went to my t about it. She said that I was taking it too personally, and the managers job is to get the work done. This is a workplace, you've got to keep your emotions out of it.
The managers job is too make sure the team functions, and the work gets done, otherwise they can get fired. So try to look at it from her point of view, if whatever you are doing is disrupting the work flow, it is her job to say something. It's not about you, it's about the work.
It's nothing to be ashamed of if your boss comes to you with concerns, that's open communication, email is not a good way to communicate in this situation. She's not your friend, but the boss.
Just go to work, focus on doing your job, and smile. If she comes to you again, just say ok, can we work together to solve this, instead of taking it so to heart, it's just a job.
When my boss talks to me I just say ok, I'll work on that, or do you have any suggestions on how I could have handled this situation better, those sorts of things, instead of thinking I am worthless, no one is perfect.
Also, if I have to cry, I go in the bathroom, if I am upset I take a walk. I don't let her see the emotions. They don't like that.
Just keep an open mind and look at it from the bosses/companies point of view, they are paying you and have to have things run, or there is no business.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Shadow-world

Maybe it's worth to speak to HR, the Equality & Diversity Manager and Occupational Health, as I don't feel I can just ignore it, but if I want to stay on I need some support.
Anyone any thoughts on this? It might make things worse, but they are already bad.
I don't know.

What sort of a reputation does each have? Do you know people who have made appeals to them? Do you know people in each dept.?

You'd have to decide based somewhat on a sense of the history of such actions in the past. Do you have a way of knowing/finding out that?

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Shadow-world

Maybe it's worth to speak to HR, the Equality & Diversity Manager and Occupational Health, as I don't feel I can just ignore it, but if I want to stay on I need some support.
Anyone any thoughts on this? It might make things worse, but they are already bad.
I don't know.

Oh, yes! I think that is an excellent idea. Please plan to make an appointment with HR and/or the Equality and Diversity Manager and then give yourself permission to enjoy the weekend. I don't know if Occupational Health is a separate division, but you might also see if they have stress management help available. Courage!

[Fuzzybear]

[Shadow-world]

The update is that I haven' resigned - just about managed not to, have dragged myself into work on Monday and Tuesday but am now off sick - both cold and stressed out / overwhelmed.
I went to Occupational Health today and the nurse said that I have to be careful not to run myself into the ground. She advised me to contact HR and my GP.
I'm not sure whether I'll make it in tomorrow or on Friday...
I've never been off work for long for stress-related / depression- or anxiety-related reasons. When are things going to improve for longer?????

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Shadow-world

She advised me to contact HR and my GP.

I believe this is good advice. It is tempting to interpret all your symptoms as manifestations of depression-anxiety-stress, yet it is possible you may be suffering from another illness in addition to all the above. That happened to me -- the depression label contributed to the doctors long ignoring other possibilities.

By no means am I suggesting you are not suffering from depression-anxiety-stress; my concern is another illness may be "hiding" behind the others.

Please take care of yourself, Shadow-world.

Reference from The Wall Street Journal: Medical Ailments & MI