I thought I was normal

I literally have no time to be dealing with feelings like this. My life needs to do a 180, yesterday.

I'm trying to fix my mediocre life, and now I'm at a stand still. My job in retail banking is mediocre, my boyfriend, my boss, my income, my other job opportunities, my friends, my living situation, my idea of what a good job would actually be; everything is a testament to previous failures.

I know they say a great deal of happiness comes from between the ears, but I feel completely bombarded on all fronts. I can hardly bring myself to work. I hold back crying at my desk everyday, and I have probably cried in this past year more than I had in a decade.

I daydream about quitting my job in a not very courteous way. I'm struggling to find an adequate replacement. Its my first job that offers benefits. I need these benefits, otherwise the parents I live with will be deeply disappointed if I walk out. What the hell did I go to college for? ...To have a condescending boss talk down to either me or the rest of her staff all day, surround us all with her gossip and tirades?
I'm acting out now. I'm doing those seemingly small things that make her upset, and then she goes into her usual tirade. Its just, lately I feel powerless and I don't want to submit to her ego anymore....[or her gross inability to manage, or her inability to effectively teach her staff without getting frustrated....] I'm shooting myself in the foot. I've been trying to just let it slide and accept that I will have to deal with people like this my whole life, and I'm only going on her level when I act out, but I have never ever had such a problem with a boss my entire life and no one is willing to stick up to this tyrant because everyone knows it will come back to haunt them somehow. Just sweeping it under the rug has just made it blow up worse months later.

I feel stuck and powerless. Never mind all my other problems. Work is just there most of the time so its harder to deal with than say, an insensitive boyfriend. I can always dump my boyfriend. I can always just spend all my time alone away from my retarded friends. [Is it so much to want friends who are good influences; friends who represent good things that you would like to aspire to?] I wish I had a female mentor who's been through it and could give practical advice...After I've found someone who can prescribe me some god damn pills to get me through this until I find a way out.

And hopefully I can figure out if this accounting degree is something I'd like to really use or not. I hated my accounting internships, but after dealing with my boss from hell I really feel like I need to be in a position where I can have more autonomy and be my own boss. I don't know if I'm even in a healthy enough state of mind to be making these decisions. I've been out of school for 3 years, time has been flying by, and I still have no idea what I am doing.

I don't know anymore. I thought, after struggling with depression since childhood, that I finally got a hold of it. It turns out I'm the same old mess I've always been.

Thank for letting me vent. I'm sorry if anyone actually read this.

Hello, Emily_Strange! Go ahead and vent.

Maybe so, but...
That's significant.
Oh, based on your experiences and your long-term battle with depression, that sounds like a wonderful goal! Are you in a position where you can make practical plans to get to that place on your own terms in your own time? Your boss may become more tolerable (even amusing) and her tirades meaningless once you know where you are going.

May it be!

I totally understand how you feel. I'm 39 and spent fourteen years at the same financial institution. I cried so much when I was there. I had an awful boss. my motto there was "people don't leave their jobs, they leave their bosses." I saw plenty of hard workers leave because of the corporate b.s., layers of management and micro-managing. I had six weeks vacation and it wasn't enough to even out the everyday panic attacks I felt when I was there.

And then I quit (on good terms). I went to dog grooming school (a life-long dream of mine). I spent the next ten months trying to make dog grooming work for me but I couldn't financially, so that in and of itself was making more anxiety for myself. I recently found a job at a non-profit.

I am making half of what I was making at the bank, but the environment is totally worth it. I'm still struggling financially but after no money in the dog grooming, I'm happy to get what I'm getting, plus benefits. until I read your post I hadn't thought about it, but I haven't cried ONCE at my new job. that is worth everything I've been through right there. so THANK YOU for helping me realize that!

sounds like you need a change. perhaps accounting isn't for you, but perhaps it's not the work so much as the environment? only you can answer that one.

if the boyfriend's not making you happy, perhaps it's time to take some time to yourself. ask yourself, is the relationship worth it? only you can answer that one, too.

if you're not already in therapy, give that a try. you may want to talk to a career counselor in your area and see if you can find another job (depending on how you answered the accounting question above). perhaps you stay with accounting, perhaps you go in another direction. either way, you need to get out of that environment, imo.

sorry to hi-jack your thread with my story but I can totally relate so I thought I'd share. I know how you feel, wanting a change--like yesterday. it may take some time (it took me a year) but you CAN change your life. if I could, you can too!

Suki22 has important things to say (thank you, Suki!), among them:
Would you enjoy your work but for your work environment? Is it the work itself or the boss that drains you emotionally, psychically? Do you have enough experience using your degree to be able to determine that?

Emily - lucky you! And I mean that sincerely. You are still young and do not have to stay locked into a job that makes you unhappy. Because you are younger there are many doors open to you! Get your resume out there and start searching for something else. Your degree does have worth.

Oh, how I wish I was just a few years out of college again. I absolutely despise my boss. And, if it weren't for him, I would actually enjoy my job again. The rest of my team is feeling the same way, and while we are all definitely older than you, we are sending out resumes - all because we hate our boss.