[Christina86]

Why is life so hard? Why is that when I get up to the point where I'm actually happy that something happens and I'm right back where I started?

Moving into residence this past September was HORRIBLY DIFFICULT. I was happy last year (my first year of university) because I was in a special program, and the classes were more similar to the ones in highschool.

I should have known that I wouldn't be able to cope. I don't cope well with anything, I should have known that this was a stupid idea, and that I was doomed to never make something of myself. I can't get over the fact that my family doesn't and never did care about me, that I was too different for them to accept me. I ignored it for my entire life up until this point, why'd I have to come to the realization NOW?

I have people who think I'm nice, little do they know how miserable I am. I can act happy, but its like a yo-yo, one minute I'm up, the next minute I'm down. I wish I was still like that, but I'm now at the point where all I am is miserable. I can't stand it. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to smile and laugh without feeling like a phony. I want people to know who I really am, not just the mask I wear. I just can't do it. These people are happy, they're NORMAL. If I told them I'd been lying to them, they would hate me. I don't want people to leave me. I want them there, even if they're not knowing what I'm really feeling.

I know I'm getting worse. I know that crying all the time isn't normal. I know these thoughts that are running through my head are just trying to make me miserable. I know I shouldn't listen to them. I know wanting to stay in bed, and not get out isn't a way to cope. I know all this. I know this is depression. I know I should seek some help, more than what I'm getting. I just can't do it. I can't make my family feel guilty. I can't give them another reason to make me feel worse. I can't face the music, only to myself. I hate feeling all alone in the universe. I know I'm not the first person to feel this way, I know I won't be the last.

I'm a failiure. I know I have low self-esteem. I know that wanting to externalize the pain I'm feeling in a non-positive manner is bad. But I want to feel bad. Because I deserve it.

I know that life could be worse. I know people have gotten over larger hurdles than mine. I just don't care any more. I just want some inner peace, I want to KNOW there's one person on this planet that thinks I'm trying to be a good person, that I'm trying. Thats all I can do is try, but...

Its taking too long to get to that point.

Why me?

I'm sorry. I know its not fair to inflict myself on anyone, but I can't stand it anymore.

(And no, no suicidal ideation from me, I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I wasn't going there again. This actually makes it worse, if it makes any sense. Its like I have no way out.)

i am so sorry that you are having such a hard time of it. the depression can really kick butt! i have the same sorts of feelings and it can be a real struggle to fight through them. but, you impress me as a person of strength and we'll help you all that we can. keep posting...xoxoxo pat

[kimmydawn]

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly canders...especially being a freshman. That's so hard in and of itself.

Are you in therapy at all? It might help to talk this out with a professional?

I wish you more than well. We're here for you, hoping you feel better.

kd

[brianm101]

Just a bit of venting..........

Hi Canders. I can't be sure, but I hope that talking about that made you feel better. You have a great way of expressing yourself.(you should be a writer) I have been where you are and I know that It can seem hopeless. I hope that this comes to pass soon(I believe that it will) and that you are feeling better. Don't give up my friend. If anything you have people to talk this out to here.

I have to also point out that you made me feel very welcome here and I appreciate that. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to pm me, ok?

[Christina86]

Thanks everyone for your nice words. Woke up this morning feeling better than I did yesterday (or rather this morning, wrote the first message at 12AM!!)

In response to your question kimmydawn, well I really don't know how to answer that. I'm in counselling, but since therapy and counselling aren't the same thing...

Yeah.

Thanks all.