[notsomuch]

I hope I can make this short enough to be interesting and full enough to be informative.

I am struggling through a major depressive episode brought on by the results of my specific actions. I had a secure job, owned a home and had a significant relationship which I valued. The geographic location of this life was not suitable to me and because of extensive investigation into the causes and effects of this economic situation, I became very insecure in this location and wanted to move. Also the company was part of the military-industrial complex which I believe is one of the major destabilizing forces in the world. I was ashamed of what I did for a living and I was frightened for my welfare if the world situation got worse.

I begged my partner to consider a move to any location where we could buy property and live off that property if our jobs became null and void. She repeatedly stated that she could not make any changes and from those first discussions, we started drifting apart.

I eventually quit the job, moved all of my belongings to an area where I felt I could survive any turn of events and began to look for work in order to establish a life again. The plan starts to come undone at this point. Work in my field of experience has been very difficult to find here and the prospects do not look bright. I am significantly worried about not finding a job in my field and at an income anywhere near what I was hoping for, much less what I made before. I am very alone as my partner was my best friend and she has severed our communications. I have no friends in this area and without income and a job, I don't have much of a way to meet people.

I feel like I have committed the most monumental mistake of my life and I am completely unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel. The depression brought on by this perspective is all consuming and the only solution I can see now is calling this life done. I'm trying not to dwell on that and working on myself with self-therapy and exercise. Each night is a session of hell and each day just reinforces my belief that I have already driven the car over the cliff... all I have to do now is wait till it hits bottom.

I guess I'm posting this in the hope that others who feel they have pulled through similar dark days will share with me their thoughts...

[Callmebj]

I can relate to this to some degree. The monumental mistake that changed life forever part. I do wish you to hold out hope and figure where you go from here. It's not over till the fat lady sings...she's not hit a note yet for me. Like the saying goes, "God promised a safe landing, not smooth sailing." Hope you find your solution very quickly in the form of a job. hugs, bj

[Suki22]

well, you made a choice and that was hugely brave on your part. if you moved once, you can you move again. try looking for work in a better area and then only move if you have something secured?

also, wherever you are, can you find a therapist? self help is all fine and good but you'd benefit from seeing a professional to get you through this stage.

you'll find out you made the decisions you made for a bigger reason further down the road but you have to walk that road to find out that is/was. it may not see like it now, but you'll find out it was for the best. you trusted your instinct and I say keep trusting it as much as you're kicking yourself or second guessing your choices.

I've made choices that seemed wild and others thought were bad choices but I'm a lot happier now that I did. I didn't end up where I thought I'd be but actually in a very good spot. best wishes!