Out of control & hopeless

Hi all. I'm new to this forum. Ive read a lot of threads, but this is my first post. I hope none of what I say is inappropriate or unwelcome. I've been searching online for anything to help, as I am currently experiencing the worst depression of my life. I've suffered from depression (to varying degrees) since I was a child. In my twenties I turned to alcohol & basically obliterated the pain (and my life) for 10 years. I've been sober for 3 years, and since that time have had increasing chronic physical pain. At first, I was able to deal with it, but the last year, my depression has been getting worse and worse. I feel like I can't handle it anymore and the psychological pain is now FAR worse than the physical pain. I don't know how much history to write, and honestly, I don't even know if I'm going to hit "submit" at the end of this, but for now I'm just typing.

Right now, I am a student, just got a part time job at my university, and have had a serious boyfriend for 6 months. I haven't had a job before now for over a year. There are a lot of 'circumstances' in my life that are extremely difficult and stressful. My physical pain has continued to get worse and I've seen dozens of doctors, with all of them saying there's nothing wrong with me. Then they want to call it fibromyalgia, which as I understand it, means they have no idea and have given up on finding a cause.

Besides that, I am having financial trouble, am recently not talking to my family, and constantly fight with my boyfriend. My dad basically disowned me after my addiction, and my mom and sister (who I had been very close to) both told me in the last couple months they don't know how to handle my and my depression. I felt totally abandoned and extremely angry and hurt.

I know I am REALLY difficult when I'm depressed. I'm SO negative, argumentative, and many times just plain mean to people. Then, when they can't take it and don't know how to help, I get even meaner and blame them for not helping and being there. I get so angry and tell people to leave me alone (which I don't really want), and then when they do I blame them for abandoning me. I know it's all so irrational and crazy, but I can't seem to stop.

This has recently happened with my boyfriend too, who was basically the last person I had in my life. He's seen me getting worse and worse, and has tried really hard to be patient and supportive. A couple days ago, I was having a really bad day and he called and asked if I wanted to go do something. I couldn't make a decision. I did want to, but I found myself saying "I don't know, I'll probably just make you upset, or get anxious, or feel sick, or....". He kept trying to convince me but I just couldn't say yes. He got really frustrated and we ended up fighting. He said a lot of things I took as extremely hurtful ("you treat me like ****", "you're the most depressed person I've ever seen"). I had a total meltdown, screaming and crying and saying I hate myself and want to die. He drove over and tried to get me to go out but I couldn't handle anything at that point. I told him to go away and he did. I was so hurt and furious after that I started cutting. It's been years since I've done that. I spent all of Friday night making plans to die. I've felt suicidal before but never even thought about how/when/etc until then.

Yesterday, my best friend called and I felt a little better, and today I went to school to do some work, and was proud of myself for getting out. I saw that my boyfriend's car was there too. I knew when he left he would see my car and hoped he'd call or try to find me. But he didn't. Now I feel extremely angry and hurt again. I don't even know if how I'm feeling is valid, but to me it's like no one cares if I die. No one wants to deal with me and don't even bother to call when they know I'm really in danger. He always says "I don't know what to do or say", and I really do understand that. But how can people abandon me at a time like this? I keep thinking I want to end it just to make them feel guilty and realize they should have done something. I know that's crazy and at this moment I'm not planning anything, but I feel so lost and alone. I hate myself for being this way and not being stronger or not so messed up, and I hate everyone else for not showing they care. I feel like they all just give up.

My bf called once yesterday but I didn't answer. Friday night when I hung up I was absolutely hysterical, and told him I didn't want to live I hate myself and can't take the pain anymore, etc. Up until tonight when he saw my car, he didn't even know if I was alive or not. Is it really too much for me to expect him to do more than that? I feel like if someone I loved was going through this, not matter how mean they were or frustrating, I'd like to think I would do anything to save them. I try really hard not to me mean, and even though I still am very difficult, I want him not to give up on me like that. I want to not feel abandoned and alone. He's said he wants to spend his life with me, but he can't even call a few times to let me know he wants me to live through this? I'm so angry, and SO hurt I don't know what to do. I know maybe it seems unfair to ask someone to put up with me, but it really is a matter of life and death right now, and there is absolutely no one in my life who is willing to be there for me. I guess it's selfish for me to expect other people to have to deal with it, but I feel like it's selfish for them not to be willing to. I desperately want someone to say "please don't die, I love you".

Ironically, I also feel enourmous unbearable guilt over the pain I've caused people, and the huge burden I know I have been. I really feel like, even though people would be sad at first, no one really cares if I'm here or not. Sorry to be so horribly down, I just really don't know what else to do but write and hope there's someone out there who understands.

Hello & Welcome, Falling_Star!
Now is the time to seek help. You are fighting several battles all at once: depression, chronic pain, family, relationships, cutting, addiction history, school, etc. I can imagine anyone in those conditions being stressed beyond safe limits.

You are a student; do you have access to a counseling center? (By the way, yours is a great post. Hold on to it and use it to assist in approaching a doctor or counselor if that is a course you are willing to consider.)

Please keep posting.

I feel the same way, out of control and hopeless. I feel like a prisoner to myself, unable to escape until I die. I am truly sorry for you. I'm sorry you have a troublesome situation and feel so down all the time. I can't imagine how someone could be happy in this horrible place.

((((falling_star))))

Welcome to PC ~ sorry that you're at the bottom.

You really sound like you need professional help NOW, to help you get through all of the issues hounding you. There are therapy services available at most colleges and universities throughout the U.S. Have you looked into that possibility?

Gentle hugs sent to you ~ my thoughts are with you

Welcome to PC and thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you are so depressed and feel so alone. I agree with the above posts about looking into getting some help in any way you can. You are important and also in the middle of a horrible depression among other things. It can get better, and you are not alone. I hope you will get some help and keep posting on here! Take care!

dailyhealing