[KellyJo]

Im not exactly sure what kind of mood im in right now. I think reflective is a good word to describe it. My sister and I got into a huge fight earlier this evening about the stupidest ***** which brought up deeper issues.

I feel ashamed for saying the things I did. Not because they were false, no i was extremely honest, but because they were hurtful. Thats my problem i think. Im afraid of hurting people and thats slowly eating away at me because I hold on to everything im feeling. But when it does come out it does triple the damage because the resentment and anger grows.

But I don't understand where the anxiety comes from with telling people how I feel in the first place. Why is it so hard? Why do I wait until I can't hold it in anymore? In my mind I know its healthy. In my mind I know its better to confront things head on before they get bad but theres something in me afraid of bringing it to the surface. But my head doesn't usually win out when it comes to stuff like that, my insecurities and guilt do.

Ultimately I think im afraid of being judged or losing people I care about. Im so insecure lately. I feel like im insignificant compared to other people so why would what I have to say matter, or why would they want to hear what I have to say in the first place?

sooo im not exactly sure what im asking (if im even asking anything). Im just disappointed in myself and feel stupid with my inability to confront the people who mean the most to me without breaking down. Oh well Im gonna wrap up this novel now.

[kaliope]

so it sounds like you issues being assertive. the problem with waiting until youre angry is that things dont always come out the best way and that others involved in the argument arent in the best emotional place either and this could lead to miscommunication and hurt feelings.

but there is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings. youre entitled to feel the way you feel. there is a simple formula to getting your feelings expressed, cheesy as it may be. it is by using an "i statment."

i feel.....(insert feeling)
when....(insert behavior,situation that causes you to feel way you do)
because....(explains why this causes you to feel way you do)
what i would like is....(explain how your needs can be met)

this formula clearly communicates to another individual what you are feeling, why, and what your needs are. You are not accusing or blaming when you use it, just simply stating feelings, facts and your needs. We tend to leave this stuff out when we are angry and things tend to come off as blame when we are angry. These statements dont come off that way. and you cant say...i feel YOU...you have to follow i feel with a feeling....

try it. see if it works.

[cocos421]

Yeah, I think you are not assertive enough, and I am exactly that way. My husband tells me all time that I don't speak up until I blow up. For example, he takes his dirty dinner plate and puts it on the counter right on top of the dishwasher. Why can't he just put it in the diswasher? Makes sense, doesn't it? Well, this got on my nerves everyday and he had no clue. Then during a fight, I mentioned it and he told me, all I needed to do was ask him to put it in the dishwasher. So, now he does it. He had no clue it made me upset. He says I should have spoken up if something bothered me. He is a big beleiver in communication.
My sister and I fought like you today, too. Don't feel bad about yourself. I always keep stuff inside and be quiet to save peace. I don't think you will be judged to speak your mind. You will appear more confident.

[dailyhealing]

Hi Kellyjo! When I read what you write I feel like it could be me talking! I relate so much to what you have to say. My feedback would be this. For whatever reason, expressing feelings for you (and me!) is just hard. It's really hard, and I hope you will be kinder with yourself about how hard this is for you! It just is! I also related to your feeling like what you have to say doesn't matter to others. I don't know what that is for you, but for me I realize it is that I have such little self worth and self esteem at times that I can't even fathom that anyone could be hurt or affected by what I had to say or how I feel. It's a lie as I know in my head people are affected by my actions, but it is how I have felt and still do sometimes. So ya, I get what you are saying Kellyjo! Hang in there and keep working at it. You seem like a great person and have a lot of compassion for others. I hope you will develop that compassion for yourself, you deserve it! Thanks so much for taking the risk and sharing this!

[KellyJo]

Originally Posted by dailyhealing

I don't know what that is for you, but for me I realize it is that I have such little self worth and self esteem at times that I can't even fathom that anyone could be hurt or affected by what I had to say or how I feel.

I think thats where im at now :/ I don't know how to get out of that way of thinking because thats how i've felt for so long.

[CastlesInTheAir]

I have the same problem!