[rj29]

The last couple of days have been more positive than usual. I was feeling good like i was starting to escape the soul crushing feelings.

I have just discovered that my boyfriend has been using sites to have sex with other women. Im so angry and hurt. But the worst part is that I blame myself for it. Why would he want to be with me? Im a miserable piece of crap. I dont want to have sex because I hate the way I look. If I cant look at me in the mirror, why would anyone else.

I hate myself so much right now. I dont know what to do anymore

[Rohag]

There is no minimizing the shock of this discovery, Rj29. You have been depressed for many years and this doesn't help (gross understatement). Recognize this is a genuinely traumatic event. Attempt to take the steps necessary to ensure your own safety. Be as kind as possible to yourself. If necessary, get someone to help you be kind to yourself.

Keep posting here and go to that local support group if you think it helps in any little way.

[Serotonin]

Low self-esteem is one of the most prominent symptoms of depression, and the negative self concept which is born out of low self-esteem makes us feel bad about ourselves. Your BF is not the right person for you if he cannot understand that if sometimes you don't want to sex with him it is in no way a rejection of him, but is because of how you are feeling about yourself.

Hating yourself is not going to improve your mood, but finding someone who is more understanding and tolerant of your condition may help.