[DianaCW91]

Hi, as you can see I'm new here so I hope I do this right Last week something happened that lead me to the internet looking for some one to talk to and I found you all. I apologize for the length of this post but some background is needed to help you understand fully what has been bothering me.

I have been suffering with severe depression all my life but I was officially diagnosed in 2000... but that is not what is troubling today (well not entirely)... I don't know how to start this and I am sorry if I type on but I am scared and have no one to help... I may be over reacting or something but I don't know.

My mother and I have never had a good relationship. I know she doesn't like me and I know she really likes to hurt me as much as she can. She took my "home" from me as a child by telling me almost daily that the house I lived in was not my home and I was just allowed to stay there cause I was under 18 (yes my parents owned the home - but it was their home not mine). The first time she told me this I was 10 (or at least the first time I remember being told this). She always told me I was stupid. When I would get sick (like a cold or something) she would yell at me. She, even to this day, criticizes anything I like or feel. She is very quick to point out my failings and brush away my achievements. I learned early in life never to tell her my likes as she would do everything in her power to ensure I did not experience those things.

My mother loves to be the center of attention and anything that threatens her position in the center (my getting sick, or receiving good grades, or getting awards) she will do all she can to bring you down and put herself back in the middle.

When I finally left home at 17 I saw her as little as I could. Then at 22 I sought help for my depression and some years later I finally found a great therapy program that really helped me a lot (which I have been finished for about 3 years now). Of course my new found self-esteem brought out the worst in my mother. She would call me just to tell me what a horrible daughter I am and how she wishes I was like other people's daughters. For the most part I have been able to handle this.

My depression diagnoses is a deep shame to her. She is old school in the fact that everyone with a mental illness is "crazy". So I, again bring her nothing but shame. Every chance she gets she will tell me to stop taking my medications and even went so far as to throw them away once.

I need my medications, my one biggest fear is not having them, mostly because the first pills I was on, after a year, just stopped working and while trying new ones I went through pain that cannot be expressed... I am ashamed to say I even attempted suicide. So now that I am on medications that are working and my depression (for the most part) is under control I never want to go back to those dark times ever again.

It never affected me much when my mother spoke about my medications. I was very angry when she threw them out but I got more. She said it was an accident and I took it as that.

Now you maybe asking why I don't just cut her out of my life (or not don't let me put words in your mouth - but I have asked myself that many times) but just in case you are thinking that let me answer. First, she is my mother and the only one I have. While I don't like her, I do love her - is that crazy? The 2nd, and most important is that her and my dad are still together. I love my dad. He has always done the best he could for me and my brother. He has his faults, like everyone, but he's always been the best he can be to us. He has a hard time with my illness also, but he took the time to (with my ok) sit down with my doctor and ask questions and at least try to understand. My only complaint (if you can call it that) is he his not good at personal/emotional things. Meaning he rarely speaks of feeling and he never has told me he loves me.

So after all that I am finally to my reason for writing. Last week my father called and through talking he let slip that my mother is doing the same thing to him that she does with me when it comes to medications. My father suffers from hight blood pressure so has to take 2 pills a day. He has taken to hiding to take it to avoid her cold words. I am scared that she will do something. I don't really know what, but he is with her pretty much all the time. If she only sees me now and then but manages to get a hold of my medications to throw them out.. well what will she do to him you know? I know he is a grown man and has taken care of himself thus far, but he is almost 70 and while he doesn't show or act it, he is reaching the age where he shouldn't have to worry as much as he use to.

I may be over reacting, but the more I think about how alike people always tell me I am to my father, and his mother especially, the more I think about all the things my mother has done to me and now I wonder if she is doing the same to my father. I can leave or hang up when she does these things to me but he cannot.

I just cannot shake the fact that I am not over reacting

[visalissa]

Wow im very happy to hear that you posted. I bet it feels great now that you let everything out? I can relate to alot. My mom used to make fun of me about my weight she even told me that i needed gastric bypass surgery... but your mom is different. Im very sorry that you have to be going through this. You are not crazy..and you are not overworking things.do you have friends or other family members that does the same to you, or do you really only have your dad? If so then i think you should try to help your dad and mabey even try to sit down with your mom jsut to tell her how you feel and trust me i know this will be hard but she is your mom and you do love her and she needs to know what your feeling.

[DianaCW91]

The only family I have is my mother, dad and brother. But my brother lives quite a far way away (we were never really close). I have tried to talked to my mother, but she tells me I am over reacting and to not be so "sensitive". Maybe there is no answer to my question but time to see what, if anything, develops. But it was nice to talk about it and get it out

Ugh, I can relate. My mother was absolutely awful to me, as well.

It is impossible to live up to being perfect; yet, I kept trying until I literally broke down. And she was still emotionally and verbally abusive while I was totally broken.

She is a delusional, master manipulator and has to be the center of attention at all times. She got my sister in on the act, as well.

I just had to separate myself from them. It hurt so much and I tried a million times but it wasn't until my mother actually "slipped" and she said the words that can never be taken back. I left, finally, validated.

I (still) think she was just waiting for me to die so she could be "free" of the annoyance and misery that I caused her: since, according to her, everything was always my fault.

But I realize now I wasted years and years banging my head against the wall to reach someone that was totally un-reachable. I hope you will free yourself of the abuse earlier than I, so you can find your worth: and see just how lovely and wonderful you are.

[Leed]

Bless your heart -- NO I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I think you have a real problem here. Lord only knows what she might do if she finds your Dads pills -- she probably WOULD throw them out and we all know what happens when one doesn't take their blood pressure medication!

Could you get him a SMALL safe? That way he could keep his meds locked up, and he could wear the key around his neck or something. Or have the key in his pocket, etc. He would HAVE to make sure the key was NOT anywhere where she could get her hands on it!!!! Either that, or give her a quick PUNCH when she goes anywhere NEAR his medication! She deserves one. Sorry but she's a witch, and someone should have slugged her a long time ago. Anyone who abuses a child like she did YOU deserves anything she gets. And the fact that she continues to abuse you really gets my goat. Too bad your Dad is such a gentleman.

I wish you the very best. I'm SO glad you've come so far, dearheart. I just wish you hadn't suffered so much pain. No one deserves that. God bless you -- and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee