[chibikame]

For the past couple of months, I've noticed that I have gotten extremely irritable towards everyone and everything. I'm lashing out at the people closest to me and not even bothering to talk to my other friends. Most of the time, I prefer to be alone in my room. I've completely lost any motivation to go to classes or study, and am failing almost every class. I started sleeping a lot, but I'm constantly exhausted and need to take naps during the day. I've lost any interest in things that used to excite me, like cooking or working out with my boyfriend. I just feel so lost in life right now. I don't understand why I'm losing motivation to do well in school. I see everyone around me trying and studying, and I just can't work up the drive to do so as well.

Its not like I've always been like this. I graduated high school with a 3.9, one of the top 5% of my class. I was always ambitious, striving to be the best at everything. I was president of numerous clubs, did community service every week, and worked a part-time job, all while taking honors and AP classes (and acing in them, for the most part), being the section leader in orchestra, and excelling as a three sport athlete. But by mid-semester of my freshman year of college, I slowly started to stop caring. I started skipping more and more classes and drank constantly. I finished my freshman year with a GPA of 2.4. And while my grades have slightly improved since then, I have completely lost my motivation and drive.

My boyfriend was the first to notice something was wrong. He started tentatively asking about my study habits and why I never wanted to study anymore. I shrugged it off for the most part, getting irritated at him when he brought it up. When I started to not care about more things, he started getting on my case more, which only irritated me further. He constantly asked why I didn't want to go jogging with him or cook together anymore, or why I never wanted to hang out with my closest friends anymore. I didn't realize how much I was starting to scare him. Last night, I mentioned again that I just didn't think I was smart enough for school anymore while talking to him on the phone. After arguing about it for a while, he confessed that he had been worried about me for a while and thought that I was slowly but surely becoming depressed for the past year. He told me that in this past month or two, my actions and attitude really started to scare him and he begged me to see a therapist.

There's a part of me that just can't imagine being depressed. I've never been that type of person to allow myself to think in a defeated way, or let anything upset me for very long. I keep thinking that the root of my problems is not being able to find motivation to try hard in school, so for the past year and a half, I've been looking for ways to fix that. I've tried changing my major, exploring different classes to see what I'm passionate about. I've joined clubs and have gotten involved on campus. I stopped drinking and smoking. But I feel like I've exhausted my options and now feel really hopeless. Maybe I'm just realizing the type of person I really am...useless, unintelligent, undriven. Is it really depression if I'm just finding who I am?

[puzzclar]

Depression does hit people about your age. Some in high school and others in college. It's hard, but it's not just about finding who we are. Since the changes in your life have lasted MORE than a few weeks, and people are starting to notice, that's when I would talk with a professional. If you are in the U.S. then go to your college counceling center (sometimes it's free), if else where, then ask someone around your school.

It sounds more like depression then just find out who you are. But that's my opinion.

[darkenedsky]

I was in a situation that is extremely close to yours...I'm only now beginning to recover from it.

I have dysthymia, & I've had it since probably late grade school. definitely @ least early high school. I was really psyched about going to university & first yr was great, but then came 2nd yr, & the hugest mistake I could have ever made.

It was in 2nd yr that I really started noticing something really wasn't right w/me...I even went to a counsellor a few times. I thought that I was depressed because I hadn't picked the right major for me. Turned out it was the opposite: I assumed I was depressed for picking the wrong major, but really, depression was clouding my judgement to begin with.

So here's what happened: I dropped out of school & went back to my crappy hometown to live w/my wonderfully frustrating & emotionally unsupportive family, to work a dead-end job while I tried to sort things out. Then I searched through other programs & applied to another university program & quit after a semester. Then I got a referral to counselling & my counsellor helped me to figure out what I just told you above: my depression had been getting the better of me when I went to university the first time. I used the counsellor as a sounding board & she said, yes, I think you are still interested in this program & you like this program still etc so I think you should try to go back & finish it (which is what I was considering @ that point).

So, I re-applied, & got re-accepted to the first program I was in, & am going back in the fall. But I "wasted" a good 3 YEARS of my life working said dead end job & living w/unsupportive family. So you can see how flawed my logic was @ the time: let's get out of the place we liked & hang out w/the unsupportive family and crappy town that triggers our depression. Anyway, I guess you could say that it wasn't technically a waste of time because perhaps I needed that amount of time before I was ready to see a therapist & confront things etc.

But the main point is: it was 3yrs of my life that I couldn't get back...& it was only in the last yr that I began to change things. I would really hate for the same thing to happen to you...it sucks like you would not believe. I refer to the period in my life that I just came out of as The Black Hole. Because I really don't know what the hell happened to me in it! I was living my life but MIA @ the same time! I was lost & I didn't even know it!

You are really lucky that you have such a good b/f who is concerned about you! I would definitely seek some counselling, if I were you. It could be depression making you feel the way that you do about your major. Or it could be that you really don't like your major. But you need time to sort out everything that's going on & to be able to see it clearly. And a professional could help you w/that. Maybe even if you just stayed in the same city & took a semester off & did some counselling. Or switched to part-time studies & did some counselling. At least then, if you realize that you do want to stay in your major, you'll still be in the game. I really do not want you to go through the same thing I did! It is NOT fun.

[Fuzzybear]