[Living Well]

Howdy,

I'm new here.

For most of the past two months I have not been able to function. My usually good lifestyle skills; eating well, sleeping well, exercising regularly, doing pleasant activities have disappeared - and no matter how deep I have dug I haven't been able to get any ooompf. At my darkest times I am able to break tasks down into tiny segments and can find something deep down in me if I try hard enough. Not so this time. For the first time in my life, I couldn't get even a flicker.

BUT

Last night I cleaned out my fridge - for the first time since the start of the year. Today I watered my 5 patio plants - for the first time in 2 months.
It might be an indicator that some of my motivation is starting to come back. I like it even if it doesn't keep up

Usually I have heaps of motivation, just too much fatigue and cognitive confusion to do what I desperately want to do. Now, I have experienced lack of motivation, I find it was a much less tortured place to be, a place of just not caring. It can actually be a more comfortable experience even though it might not be as healthy.

While I regain my strength and energy, I hope I don't get too many negative life experiences. The "rope has been tested" severely for 2 months - and now is time for repair and maintenance.

Depression is an awful illness. I might have got used to managing it, but I doubt that I will ever learn to like it. And I don't think anyone is asking me to! lol.

What symptoms of depression do you have, what phase are you at in your illness? What is the relationship you have with your illness and the management of it? Our experiences are so different.

[sconnie892]

Originally Posted by Living Well

Howdy,

What symptoms of depression do you have, what phase are you at in your illness? What is the relationship you have with your illness and the management of it? Our experiences are so different.

My t and I have been discussing dysthymia. My main symptoms are sleep issues (mainly initial insomnia), hopelessness, low energy, difficulty concentrating, and craving/overeating carbs and sweets. I don't really know what "phase" I would be in as it is a long term depression. I have good days and bad days. I've known I had something "depressive" on and off since I was 13 but didn't seek help until my 30s. I guess my relationship is somewhat of that old "friend" (I used friend loosely here) that is around for awhile, then moves away, then comes back to town for a few years, then moves away again. We are familiar with each other.

I mainly manage through talk therapy. We discussed meds as a possibility, but I would like to try to work through it without meds. I am not sure how successful that will be. Things haven't been very good the last few months. I take melatonin to help with the sleep issues. I've also been trying to get more exercise and eat better. But when I am really down, exercising and making healthy meals seems nearly impossible.

[shezbut]

Living Well,

I have treatment-resistant depression. The best I've ever felt is moderate depression, but I slip into severe depression 2-3 times per year. I still take anti-depressants, sleep meds (to help me fall asleep and prevent nightmares from waking me), as well as a few physical health medications.

I've been working in therapy for 30 years or so (though with different T's). My newest T and I have uncovered some very dark memories that have haunted me all of my life...so that's certainly an improvement. I am stuck in a common female mentality though, in blaming myself for traumas that happened to me as a little girl. I'm still unable (or unwilling?) to blame those who were technically responsible for my upbringing.

I do hate depression. Wish that I could get a break from the darkness someday ~ but that feels pretty unlikely to me. Unfortunately, I do have a history of brain injuries which are known to have a depressive effect on sufferers as well.

Very best wishes to you!

[Living Well]

Originally Posted by sconnie892

My t and I have been discussing dysthymia. My main symptoms are sleep issues (mainly initial insomnia), hopelessness, low energy, difficulty concentrating, and craving/overeating carbs and sweets. I don't really know what "phase" I would be in as it is a long term depression. I have good days and bad days. I've known I had something "depressive" on and off since I was 13 but didn't seek help until my 30s. I guess my relationship is somewhat of that old "friend" (I used friend loosely here) that is around for awhile, then moves away, then comes back to town for a few years, then moves away again. We are familiar with each other.

I mainly manage through talk therapy. We discussed meds as a possibility, but I would like to try to work through it without meds. I am not sure how successful that will be. Things haven't been very good the last few months. I take melatonin to help with the sleep issues. I've also been trying to get more exercise and eat better. But when I am really down, exercising and making healthy meals seems nearly impossible.

I'm sorry you've been struggling for so long; so have I and it's awful - but I think we build our depression management tool box up as we go along. Talking about insomnia and medication, my son told me that he had been not sleeping for 4months and was worried that he might have depression like me. I took him to the doctor - and I LOVED what the doctor had to say. He told my son that he was too lazy and he had to get out there and mow some lawns to tire himself out. My son did, and he's been sleeping like a baby since. I LOVE IT when doctors consider lifestyle factors first and take it from there I thought he handled the consultation brilliantly. (Of course I would - it was what I had been telling my son but he'll listen to a doctor, not his mum ) I hope you don't mind me diverging a bit... I thought your post indicated that you are interested in lifestyle factors so I thought I mention our recent trip to the drs

[Living Well]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Living Well,

I have treatment-resistant depression. The best I've ever felt is moderate depression, but I slip into severe depression 2-3 times per year. I still take anti-depressants, sleep meds (to help me fall asleep and prevent nightmares from waking me), as well as a few physical health medications.

I've been working in therapy for 30 years or so (though with different T's). My newest T and I have uncovered some very dark memories that have haunted me all of my life...so that's certainly an improvement. I am stuck in a common female mentality though, in blaming myself for traumas that happened to me as a little girl. I'm still unable (or unwilling?) to blame those who were technically responsible for my upbringing.

I do hate depression. Wish that I could get a break from the darkness someday ~ but that feels pretty unlikely to me. Unfortunately, I do have a history of brain injuries which are known to have a depressive effect on sufferers as well.

Very best wishes to you!

Shezbut

Trauma does seem to impact on depression - of course it would - it is hardly a pleasant experience!

I too, deep down, feel responsible for my abuse, even though I can see logically that it wasn't my fault at all.

I think abuse makes us feel dirty and awful and it's hard not to let that leak into our self esteem.

I know I have to work very hard and handing peoples issues back to them. I don't have to do it via communication or anything. I merely acknowledge to myself "that is their issue", "I need not do anything", "that is for them to work out".

When it is about child abuse and protection other children, I must admit I find it really difficult. I have done what I can to ensure other children don't get harmed by my perpetrators, but I still have nightmares of children coming to me saying "why, why, why, didn't you do more!!!". Again I can see logically I've done my best and am not responsible for the choices child abusers make.

(Actually, I've worked with abused boys and been in survivor groups with men abused as boys - and I think they seem to still blame themselves as well. I would say they get more caught up with they should have been able to stop it and they question their masculinity and sexuality more than girls and women. Us women seem to absorb the responsibility for the acts themselves but don't been ourselves up for being unable to prevent it as much? Child abuse is harmful to all children, regardless how they may internalise it.)

A member here has recommended I get a PTSD workshop book to work through my trauma and I think that is a brilliant idea.... I'm browsing and deciding which one atm http://www.amazon.ca/s/ref=nb_sb_nos...rkbook&x=0&y=0

Brain injury and depression is one tough gig, but it sounds that you are managing it remarkably well!! Thanks for your well wishes x

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by Living Well

A member here has recommended I get a PTSD workshop book to work through my trauma and I think that is a brilliant idea.... I'm browsing and deciding which one atm http://www.amazon.ca/s/ref=nb_sb_nos...rkbook&x=0&y=0

ack, just so you know that's a link to the Canadian amazon.ca
I forgot that not everyone lives in Canada.

[Living Well]

okay I just assumed it was the american one without looking. They prolly take as long as each other, the exchange rate just would be different - thanks for pointing it out.

Here's the american link if anyone is interested http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=...qid=1335159140

[neverendingcycle]

my depression has always been around and I kinda treat it like an indulgence if that makes sense. It's always there but I choose not to partake. HOWEVER, I can only keep that up for so long and the cycle begins again. I can deal with the world for about a year and a half or so and then crash. And right now I'm on my way down. Depression is in some ways for me so much easier. I can just shut down. Everything isn't a struggle and there's no appearance to keep up and for a small amount of time I don't have to prop everyone else up. That being said, I'm going to take a nap. I can only seem to sleep during the day (15 years of insomnia, yay) so I take it where I can get it before it gets dark and my mood gets much worse.

[Living Well]

Hi NEC, I'm interested in your story.
Do you really "go hard" when you are not depressed or does the depression just make everything feel too hard when you hit that point?
How long do you crash for? How many cycles have you had in the past 15 years?
How's your diet and exercise? Do you find that helps at all?
Are you on meds or do you take them in the dark times?
Do you push yourself to exhaustion at times well or unwell?
You don't have to answer any of that... I spose I'm just a little intrigued by that 15mth cycle you have going on, how long the depression lasts and how deep it goes.
Cheers,
Jade

[neverendingcycle]

Originally Posted by Living Well

Hi NEC, I'm interested in your story.
Do you really "go hard" when you are not depressed or does the depression just make everything feel too hard when you hit that point?
How long do you crash for? How many cycles have you had in the past 15 years?
How's your diet and exercise? Do you find that helps at all?
Are you on meds or do you take them in the dark times?
Do you push yourself to exhaustion at times well or unwell?
You don't have to answer any of that... I spose I'm just a little intrigued by that 15mth cycle you have going on, how long the depression lasts and how deep it goes.
Cheers,
Jade

I usually crash for a year or so. Then go back to the psychiatrist, get back on different meds, keep appointments for awhile and maybe even see a counselor. Then I stop going to the counselor, stop being able to afford all the meds and feel okay for awhile. It's always there I just ignore and suppress it for as long as I can until all of a sudden I realize I'm tired all the time, little things make me angry, I can't focus or concentrate again. I've never been a health nut, my diet is pretty pathetic which I'm sure does not help. Once I realize I'm depressed "again" it goes straight down pretty rapidly as soon as I admit it to myself. I'm not bipolar, my "highs" are everyone else's normal. It's my lows that swing from bearable to wouldn't it be nice to just be in an institution for awhile and just not have to deal with the world. I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD. I thing I may also have borderline personality disorder. Just wish the cycle would end or that I could be strong enough to embrace one or the other. I'm 31 and I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Living Well]

DBT might be a kinda gentle place to start. It is extremely challenging but I find it very rewarding. I feel it has put me back in the drivers seat of my life no matter how severe my symptoms are. There is a dbt group here that you could attend - it is not the same as doing a dbt course but it may introduce you to some concepts that change the way you look at things and give you tips on how to better manage things? If your meds are not affordable for you is there some way that you can make them affordable on a long term basis? What might you be prepared to sacrifice? So that you can enjoy good health all year round? Given that that is, what you have expressed you want. Maybe see if you are eligible for a DBT course in your area? That would provide intense support and guidance.

[neverendingcycle]

What is DBT?

[Living Well]

Dialectic Behavioural Therapy - there's heaps of info on the net if you want to research it. It may or may not be for you... only you will know

[thedayturnedaround]

I struggle with depression every day. Part of my condition is hypersomnia; instead of doing things I just lay in bed and try to sleep too much. I have been diagnosed bipolar for 10 years. I am now trying to find activities such as posting and reading this forum to do instead of sleep or watch TV.

[neverendingcycle]

I hear you. I've been sleeping a lot lately. Or I just wander from room to room unable to focus on something to do. So I either take my sleeping pill early or just lay there.

[Living Well]

my hypersomnia isn't too bad atm. I have many days, weeks and months like you guys are having atm. ((Hugs)) I found that if I was awake 4 hours a day, I could still get enough done - anything under that, my life situation really was affected badly.