[Mogeii]

Am I doomed forever to cycle in and out of depression/anxiety? When I started this fight last year I had in my head the idea that whether it took weeks or months or a year, after all the suffering I would be better, stronger, and love life as much as I know I want to love it. Here I am 5 months into the fight and I still feel like I am a slave to it. I got out of the major depression and had about 2 months of feeling fine, followed by a month of feeling ****, followed by a mixed month, and now here I am switching meds wondering if this is actually how it will be forever. I DONT WANT TO LIVE A LIFE WHERE MY GOOD TIMES ARE BREAKS BETWEEN BAD TIMES. I dont want to be a god damn slave to my brain chemicals. I want to look out my window every day and see the beauty of the world. The world is amazing, my body is a piece of trash that wont let me enjoy it.

Switching from 150mg of Zoloft to 10mg of Lexapro currently. 4th day of Lexapro and the 4 days have included feeling better, feeling mixed, feeling bad but with a nice knowledge that it will get better, to right now. Right now I for some unknown reason want to cry with my dad. My dad lives down the street. No bad relationship, no past drama, nothing. 100% normal father son relationship. Hes supportive of me, loves me, the whole thing. BUT FOR SOME REASON MY BRAIN PUTS AN IMAGE OF HIM IN MY HEAD AND I AM ON THE VERGE OF CRYING. Im sick of this. I really am. Every day is some new "symptom" or feeling that I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out. I am tired of being obsessed with my anxiety and depression. I am tired of wondering if meds are causing this or that or if my illness is or if this is normal or whatever. I really just want to know that one day this whole thing will be a memory that I will maybe not laugh at, but be separated from enough that it seems distant. I wish I knew that this was all temporary. I wish I knew my whole life wasn't going to be a cycle of misery and normalcy completely randomized by my stupid brain chemicals or whatever. Please let this all be temporary, and let life be as beautiful as I know it can be. Please let my suffering run its course soon. Please let me see one day that although parts of life are a struggle, most of it is joy and love. If it isn't true, who would want to live it?

[thedayturnedaround]

You're not alone. I used to go through heavy periods of cyclical depression when I was first diagnosed bipolar. Do you go to a psychiatrist? Has bipolar disorder been considered? You don't have to have traditional manic episodes to be bipolar. I take mood stabilizers now prescribed by a psychiatrist.
Hang in there. There has to be some balance to be found and it might take additional medication to find it.

[Rohag]

Hello, Mogeii! Even though I personally have suffered from depression for a long time, looking around the Web I see the statistics are on your side. Even if it takes longer than you hope, and even if you experience depressive episodes in the future, it is "probable" (that's my impression) you will succeed in reaching a place where depression plays only a minor, controllable role in your life -- if not disappear completely.

Depression, as you know too well, messes with our perceptions. Do your best not to make decisions based on depression-skewed views. Do take the fears and experiences you have posted above to your caretakers. The doctors work for you.

Here's hoping the five months won't stretch into a year!

[lynn09]

(Disclaimer: This is NOT a strict medical/scientific presentation. I am condensing and over-simplifying a lot of information into a more-easily assimilated capsule. Sorry for the length.)

Hello, Mogeii. Chronic depression has been my constant companion pretty much my entire life - long, long before there were effective medications to treat it. I have been through every medication used to treat depression, but can no longer take any of them due to a damaged immune system - allergic to them all now since 1999. This has forced me to study and research alternate methods for dealing with it.

It's important for everyone on such medications to understand that the meds do not contain the actual chemicals (neurotransmitters) required for optimal brain function - serotonin, dopamine, etc. - the "feel-good" (reward) hormones. It is these chemicals that make it possible for us to have positive thoughts, attitudes, feelings, perceptions - make it possible for us to access the higher brain functions of reason and logic which temper and balance our raw emotions. Without adequate amounts of these neurotransmitters, synaptic connections are interrupted, incomplete, and traveling the neuropathways is like driving down a road of disjointed and pot-holed sections of pavement leading to loop-arounds and dead-ends leaving you dealing with unfiltered raw, primitive, if you will, emotions that seem to have no rhyme or reason whatsoever.

Current treatment meds are designed to help stimulate production and/or enhance the effectiveness of whatever amount of neurotransmitters that your brain is producing and/or suppress/counteract the production of stress hormones which magnify the raw emotions and produce that free-floating anxiety and panic (fight or flight). It is important to understand that emotional stress causes the body to produce stress hormones (cortisole, etc.) which actually suppress production of the "feel-good" hormones causing more stress which further suppresses production causing more stress, etc., creating the downward spiral we are all so familiar with that sweeps us along into the depths of the abyss.

The first major rule I discovered many decades ago was to not get depressed about being depressed which I now understand only serves to create more stress which stimulates production of more "bad" neuro-ts which further suppresses production and effectiveness of "good" neuro-ts. No matter the med, dosage, combination of meds, etc., they cannot enhance what isn't there. This means that we must be proactive in both stimulating production of the "good" neurotransmitters so that the meds will have something to enhance, and suppressing the production of the "bad" neurotransmitters, as well. Physical activity at just about any level, doing things you enjoy, visiting/talking with others, listening to/playing music - do whatever it takes to help your body produce the "good" neuro-ts. Of course, this can be a monumental task since motivation has flown the coop and you don't feel like doing anything at all. This is why it is important to do such things on a daily basis (whether you feel like it or not, come hell or high water, and even if it kills me) to stimulate consistent production of the "good" neuro-ts so that the "bad"neuro-ts can't get the upper hand in the first place. Consistent rest, diet, physical exercise, social contact, engaging in hobbies, avoiding unnecessary stress, etc., all contribute to creating and maintaining higher levels of "good" neuro-ts, suppressing production of "bad" neuro-ts, and enhancing the effectiveness of your meds.

The second major rule is to avoid trying to analyze and understand the negative emotions. Raw emotions are flighty, unreliable things, and do not present a realistic perspective. Although trying to figure out the whys and wherefores might make for an interesting mental exercise, more often than not it is a fruitless and counterproductive venture because reason and logic (and, therefore, objectivity) cannot be accessed and utilized which causes more frustration, confusion, and stress - and down we go, our EF1 spiral turns into an EF5 and slams us face-first into the floor of the abyss. I have found that it is better to look at and treat my depressive episodes the same way I would a virus or infection or injury; in other words, do not play the guilt/self-punishment game. Depression has nothing whatsoever to do with your identity - with who you are - and makes you no less a worthwhile individual than if you caught a cold or broke a bone - and the negative thoughts about yourself, others, and life in general that depression whispers in your ear are no more valid or worth listening to than what a virus or bacteria might have to say.

There is SO much information available and readily-accessible to us now online - Mayo Clinic, WebMD, Merck, etc. - even PC (take a look at the resources information). Learn as much as you can about depression and the various conditions that can produce it - as the saying goes, "Know thine enemy." Although you may continue to cycle in and out of depression/anxiety depending on your particular condition, you are powerless - you are neither doomed nor enslaved. Knowledge IS power - your sword and shield - and the knowledge you obtain can be used to write your own set of rules for dealing with your depression. Remember, most "mental illnesses" are, in fact, physiological conditions that manifest psychological symptoms because if they were not physiological conditions then medications would have no effect at all and would not be used to treat them.

Hope you are feeling better soon. lynn09

[Fuzzybear]