[Aardwolf]

I've tried so long to try and find a way out. I don't have a way to release anything because I can't trust people.. Everyone is either leaving me or turning on me because I'm just another worthless thing on the carpet.

My dads been ill recently, He spent 4 months in hospital. It would appear he has developed MND.. In the space of a year he's gone from a man just past his prime who would play sports 2-3 times a week regularly. Doing bloody well for a 60 year old. Suddenly in complete contrast he's bound by what I can do for him, what he can manage. And its getting worse. Always worse, it can't get better. It gets worse.
He can't open doors, he can't open jars. He can't unlock the door. There are so many things he can't do.
He can still walk, but both him and I know, its just a matter of time.
Its just time until it happens, the inevitable.
I look at him. I remember all the bad things I've said to him. I remember all the times we've argued. I remember all the times we've fought. I remmeber all the times I've said hurtful things to him and I can remember every second of when I see his face drop slightly, the chin tenses slightly, the eyes squint and start to water. And then I turn my back.
Guilt
All the hurt, all the pain I've caused him is all that i can remember.
What makes it so much worse, is now I'm trying to help him, and his ex partner who split from him when he became ill, gives him hell on hearth. She shouts at him, tells him he's useless, that he's a cripple and a piece of ****. She blames him for everything.
Now I feel what I said to him all those years ago. So long I hurled abuse at him because I hate him.
No, I do not hate him. I LOVE my dad. He's the only person who has never given in to what I want, forced me to do what I hate, but what he knows will make me stronger.
It would break his heart if he knew how much turmoil I am in.

I love my dad. I spent so long hating him, so long hating what he stood for. Only to realize out of my selfish attitude that I meant the world to him, and he wished I could see him the same way.

I tell him every day I love him. I have to. I can't make up for so much I've done wrong, and so much I could have done. I don't know if its too late.

I haven't done it for so long. running the blade across my body feeling the cold metal slightly pulling on my skin. Imagining the rush if I could press down. I can't thought because I spent so long killing the habit. But no, I need to press. I need to press hard, as hard as I can. I can't believe I was so ignorant, I have brief flashes of emotion.
And its always the one type. Hate. Hate of myself for being me, so bright and vivid its burning. I can feel it boiling under my skin. Then its gone, the emptiness fills be back inside and its all gone again. nothing more to feel. Gone. until next time.
I can't sleep, I can't cope with this. I can't cope with it now, let alone when he is gone.

[noneedtoknow]

ACQPL,
I am so sorry to hear about your father and the pain that you are going through now. I am so glad that you posted! You need and deserve to get support! Evan though right now you don't feel like you deserve it.
Honey, it is never too late.Don't waste one more moment of time regretting what you have done-it's past and gone-put those feelings, emotions, love, care into your relationship with your father today. For today love him just like you are doing-and when he is gone, you will know he knew you loved him and you will have good memories. Pleae don't cut yourself. Please keep posting here, find someone to share this stuff with out there-friend, therapist, pastor, whatever and let it out in a healthy way. Do you write? Cry? Sing at the top of your lungs? Run? Do whatever. Forgive yourself. We all have done things to our loved ones that at some point we come to regret. Forgive yourself. Love him, love yourself. I know, easier said than done. But practice for a few sconds at a time. Hang in there. Keep posting. Thank you for sharing.

[Leed]

Dearheart, do you know HOW MANY kids feel the same way about their parents that you do? Do you know how many kids have said the same thing to their parents that you have? Kids are SUPPOSED to "hate" their parents when they're young. LOL That's because they're growing up and trying to be independent -- they're rebelling and don't WANT to listen to the older generation! Of COURSE they don't like their parents -- I didn't like MINE either!

But you CANNOT keep torturing yourself over things you said or thought! Otherwise, the whole world would be cutting, and killing themselves over the same thing! What you're thinking and remembering is just normal stuff -- but you've got to forget it because everyone did/said the same thing! You're no different than anyone else! Maybe you're just more sensitive to it, but you're not different.

You're just thinking about it now because your Dad is sick. FORGIVE YOURSELF -- your Dad forgave you the MINUTE you said it! Just ask him. He''ll tell you -- he KNEW you didn't mean it. ALL parents know that. He loves you unconditionally! You're his child! It doesn't come with conditions.

It's never too late. But if you harm yourself you're going to break his heart. NOTHING will hurt this man more than if you do something to yourself! DON'T even think about it. YOU need to carry on in HIS PLACE. That's ALL HE WANTS.

Tell him you love him, and always have, although he knows that. But tell him anyway so that YOU will feel better. Spend time with him -- just the two of you. Keep telling him you love him. But never, ever harm yourself -- that's NOT what he wants for you. You don't have to become Prime Minister or anything, but he wants you to have a good life and a long one. Do that for HIM. Pay him back THAT way. He loves you. Hugs, Lee