[heathery]

lately I can't seem to shake this feeling I haven't been sleep. Maybe three hrs if I'm lucky and I'm not eating I've lost 15lbs in a few short weeks. I can't stop wondering what I did wrong and why people treat me so badly. Its affecting me horribly. I have an 11 month old daughter and I want to be better for her but I can't even find energy to get out of bed each day. All my bf and I do is fight he doesn't understand how I feel and I try and try again to tell him and nothing. Ill be 25 very shortly and haven't cut since highschool but recently that's all I think about. I know I won't do it just thoughts and the thoughts I'd love to go away but they won't! Keeping me up all night long. I'm having a hard time doing anything anymore. My family lives about 500 miles away from me and all I want to do is move back but the bf won't. Its making me worse and I don't know why. I feel like I'm in hs again. I have mood swings like crazy I can't function and I eat I don't know...its sounds childish but I do know all I want it my mom. She always makes it better. I don't have ins to go to a doc I can bearly afford anything as is I make nothing. I don't know anymore. Would they be better off without me I don't know. Would everyone be happy if I disappear I don't know...I'm soo lost in everything its spinning me so fast I'm getting dizzy and I still can only ever come up with I don't know. I really wish I had someone to talk to.

[Rohag]

Hello, Heathery!

You've suffered loses in the past year, known grief, and have had a child. Being susceptible, any one of those things could push you into a depression. If you have a reserve of energy, please reach out for practical help in your community.

Have you tried 2-1-1?

[Fuzzybear]

[regretful]

Originally Posted by heathery

lately I can't seem to shake this feeling I haven't been sleep. Maybe three hrs if I'm lucky and I'm not eating I've lost 15lbs in a few short weeks. I can't stop wondering what I did wrong and why people treat me so badly. Its affecting me horribly. I have an 11 month old daughter and I want to be better for her but I can't even find energy to get out of bed each day. All my bf and I do is fight he doesn't understand how I feel and I try and try again to tell him and nothing. Ill be 25 very shortly and haven't cut since highschool but recently that's all I think about. I know I won't do it just thoughts and the thoughts I'd love to go away but they won't! Keeping me up all night long. I'm having a hard time doing anything anymore. My family lives about 500 miles away from me and all I want to do is move back but the bf won't. Its making me worse and I don't know why. I feel like I'm in hs again. I have mood swings like crazy I can't function and I eat I don't know...its sounds childish but I do know all I want it my mom. She always makes it better. I don't have ins to go to a doc I can bearly afford anything as is I make nothing. I don't know anymore. Would they be better off without me I don't know. Would everyone be happy if I disappear I don't know...I'm soo lost in everything its spinning me so fast I'm getting dizzy and I still can only ever come up with I don't know. I really wish I had someone to talk to.

This certainly is a tough spot for you to be in; it must be very tough to be raising a child in the midst of such conflicted feelings. Reach out to a help-line where you can really talk to someone. There might be a post-natal support group for you to visit. There might be a new moms group in your area too. See if your parents will even come for a visit even if it is just for a day or a weekend...and NO - they won't be better off without you. No matter what you believe and/or feel right now, you are the MOST IMPORTANT person there is to that 11 month old daughter of yours. She's got to be the most precious child in your eyes, and you're the best mom in the world to her (think about how much you need your mom right now, even at the ripe-old age of 25 [joking about the age because I'm in my late 40's])...

Get connected. I think these forums are great. Find out if there is a mental health graduate school in your town. If so, they might have a free or nearly free clinic that you can visit for someone to talk to. If you are not opposed to it, visit a priest, rabbi, or minister...I have found some nice non-judgmental help from www.samaritans.org and their email exchanges.

But please know that there are people in this world who do care about you, especially your daughter, boyfriend and parents...

I'm sending hopeful thoughts to you that this will get better.

[regretful]

Oh, if your location of ne is Nebraska, you might find some help in Lincoln through http://www.nmhc-clinics.com/ . If you are not in Nebraska and you are in the Northeast, then you might be able to find some help through your state's chapter of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. www.nami.org

I wish you well with your depression...oh, and wanting your mom does not sound childish at all...think about who people call for when they are really hurting; they want their nurturing mom.