[Odee]

Whenever I think I'm going to feel better depression just slaps a dumb reality check in my face! I can't stand knowing that last spring, I told myself that a year from then, I would feel much better. But it's here and it doesn't go away! I've failed two classes and I've lost a bunch of financial aid, I don't have the money to pay rent tomorrow and I won't get work until fall. My parents don't want me in their house and it almost seems like my adoptive mother has lost her sympathy for me.

I don't know what I have to do. I'm tired of this plaguing me! I've made a lot of great life styles changes lately. I've been exercising, cooking my own food, being around friends, and I don't have internet anymore so I draw, read, and write instead. This has only been for the past two weeks, so it has not been enough time for these things to help. But I'm upset that I have to try so hard to keep my life together! All it takes is a few falters and I'm off the wagon. I fall apart so easily.

I'm scared that one day I will be alone and unemployed. I won't have the motivation to get a job and will maybe be homeless. I am too afraid to die but the pain is unbearable. If I lost all of my support I don't think I would want to stay alive for long.

I have started keeping a journal to vent my thoughts. I try to balance the good thoughts with the bad thoughts. I recognize negative behavior that I've have had in the past, but this only makes me feel like a loser, and even more hopeless. I realize how long it feels that I have struggled and I can't help but think that my mind has just got itself stuck where it is.

It's not just depression, it's anxiety. I get so worked up over little things -- I get startled and feel a wave of fear from simple things like someone talking to me or someone closing the door. My mind is just bathed in all these painful signals.

I just don't want to live a life where I have to learn how to cope with living!

[whimsygirl]

I'm so sorry about all you're going through, and wish I had a magic wand to wave and make it better. I sure can relate to all that you say here....bottom line....depression has no heart, and makes no sense. And there is no logic to it. Sending warm wishes and hopes that some bit of comfort comes your way as soon as possible.....

[Odee]

Thanks Whimsy. I think we can all relate to how cold and relentless depression can be. I feel like it is a force, and not as much as a condition. A force that just chooses whether it comes or goes.

[f.reliant]

Odee, sorry you are having such a tough time. Depression is not new to me. The "anxiety" thing however is new to me. Its weird to be depressed and yet have these surges of adrenalin fueled by panic. I made sure that my therapist understood that this "time" its different. Change in meds reflects that.

I too have been trying very hard even if my heart isn't in it to visit people, engage in projects around the house and the like. I helps some. I recently started listening to music when working around the house and this too helps. I haven't tried journaling yet though.

Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing. As bad as you feel, you would be feeling much worse if you weren't keeping busy. Be proud of the fact that you are keeping busy. It shows you have a lot of inner strength and determination.

Best,
f.reliant

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Odee

Thanks Whimsy. I think we can all relate to how cold and relentless depression can be. I feel like it is a force, and not as much as a condition. A force that just chooses whether it comes or goes.

Amen to that Odee.....