[doggiedo]

I hate myself so much. I look so put together when I'm at work or in public. I can barely get through the day. I want to just curl up and die. It would be easier. I hate existing. I hate how I make others feel and the pain that I cause.
I just want it to all go away.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by doggiedo

I hate myself so much. I look so put together when I'm at work or in public. I can barely get through the day. I want to just curl up and die. It would be easier. I hate existing. I hate how I make others feel and the pain that I cause.
I just want it to all go away.

Ugh...I know just how you feel. I have to put on the happy face every day, and each morning it gets to be more of a chore to do so. But I still think it beats that alternative. I think of the things that I enjoy in life -which are admittedly harder to discover in the throes of depression.

As for causing others pain, I don't think we can cause another person something like that. I really think it is their responsibility and their reaction that defines their pain. Otherwise, someone else would be able to make you feel better. I hope that makes sense. And i do hope that it gets easier for you.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by doggiedo

I hate myself so much. I look so put together when I'm at work or in public. I can barely get through the day. I want to just curl up and die. It would be easier. I hate existing. I hate how I make others feel and the pain that I cause.
I just want it to all go away.

I'm so sorry about all you are going through and only wish I could make it better. I pray that you might be able to realize....on some level....that you are seeing the way things are through the eyes of depression, and that demon will stop at nothing to deceive you, including making you believe that you are responsible for the bad feelings of others. Sending the warmest of wishes....

[Leed]

Hi ~ I have to agree with Regretful. I don't think we can cause another any pain unless of course we bonk them on the head. By just by being depressed we can't do that. We don't have that power. It's up to them how they feel. They control their OWN emotions, just as WE do to a certain extent. Of course with depression we have no control. We either are or we aren't.

But YOU aren't causing anyone any pain, so don't feel guilty about that.

I know you're suffering. Are you in therapy? If you're not, you should be. Is there any way you CAN enter therapy? It would be a good idea if you could make an appointment as soon as possible and start therapy. We want you around for a very long time! God bless and PLEASE take care of yourself! Big hugs, Lee

[Idiot17]

hey, i know that feeling. having that ever fake grin pasted on your face all day looking good while youre wretched inside. (((hugs)))

[doggiedo]

Interesting view of the situation. I guess evyone is in control of their own pain then?

I am in therapy, well took a break for a few months and now I'm here, stuck and feeling awful. I upped my meds last week, as per my pdocs suggestion. I have a meeting with my counselor on Mon.

Hang in there idiot17...

[shezbut]

I can't fake a smile at all ~ I am super-depressed....and hating myself as usual. I can relate to your post. I just keep reminding myself of not wanting to hurt my daughters or my boyfriend. The girls are the big negative side of suicidal impulses. I don't want to F them up anymore than I have already. If you have a pet, perhaps you could try this same strategy? Pets would surely miss you dearly!

Glad that you've got an appointment with your therapist for Monday. Hopefully, things will improve for you very soon. (((doggiedo)))

[doggiedo]

I'm sorry u are going thought the same thing. It's so difficult isn't it?

It's only 7:25pm and I'm already for bed. I don't even know if I can walk the dogs tonight. I don't have it in me. Do I just give in and go to bed?

Shezbut- I know what u mean about hanging in their for your kids. I feel that way about my dogs. But mostly I feel like they deserve better than what I can give them. I can't take care of then anymore.

[doggiedo]

The feeling is back.
I hate myself and hate who I am. I don't know to tell or how anyone can help me.