I seem to fail at life

So yeah...not really sure what to do with myself, why I keep torturing myself with the idea of getting a part time job and being able to keep it in spite of my psychological issues that to be realistic probably would interfere. I just also don't see how to get on SSI as I really don't know how I'd handle all the stress of that process or appealing it when it gets denied.

Only other options seems to be pack a back pack and just leave...but I'd probably just end up dead or in a mental institute when the aimlessly wandering lost looking person comes to the attention of the authorities. I cannot stay at my moms much longer...to put it simply she brings me down more than she helps. Even though she helps with transportation and paying for appointments should I have them. Catch 22 I guess it's called.....kinda need her help but I cannot take being around her if its going to bring me down. I have some other friends/family but of course they all have their own lives so I don't want to trouble them with my problems or failures.

I keep thinking if I can just get part time work or SSI I'd have a little bit of income and maybe be able to move in with other friends/family since I'd be able to afford to help with costs. But even that seems impossible so I am just feeling really hopeless....don't really know what to do anymore I mean yeah I want to try and start the process of getting my psychological issues assessed and diagnosed so I can attempt SSI but even just trying to find adequate resources for that seems like an impossible task especially since I can get anxious and have difficulty following through with things due to stressing myself out too much to do so. And then it doesn't help with my mom reminding me how in-decisive I am and how she just doesn't see how I'm trying(because I am not doing things as quickly as she thinks I ought to be able to or something) when I already know that and hate how disorganized my mind has become since the PTSD has gradually been getting worse I mean does she think I like that? If anything it freaks me out since for one obviously I am not the only one who notices, and also it makes me feel like I am going insane when I'm trying to figure out what to do and cannot decide.

Anyways sorry for the long post.......and if anyone has any advice for any of this it would be appreciated. I realise its long and confusing but so is my thought process. And no one take this the wrong way but I am not looking to be told 'it's all ok' or 'it gets better.' maybe it does maybe it doesn't but quite frankly that doesn't help me solve the mess of my life that exists right now. Maybe someone can understand, and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with that last bit.

hello.

i can totally understand where you're coming from you know.

when you say you don't know what to do with yourself, well.. i get that. day after day i sit here, wondering that myself- what is my purpose. what is it that i'm actually good for. everything seems to be just 1 massive empty space which i can't seem to fill. and even if i could, i've missed out on so much of life.. what's the point?

same with the parents thing... my mom is a massive trigger, and does not understand me what so ever

so while i don't have any advice for you as such, i just wanted to reply and let you know you're really not alone in this

Well I do appreciate it...that at least helps me feel a little less isolated about it. I mean the worst part a lot of the time is the feeling that no one understands...that just seems to isolate me more because then people bring me down more without even realizing it simply because they don't quite get what I'm going through.

Of course on the bad days I think everyones trying to get to me on purpose, and then I try to convince myself they aren't but then I still get irritable with them. Though realistically I cannot necessarily trust its always simply ignorance on their part. I mean I know my mom has her nasty side but I have never asked 'hey have you ever said anything to try to upset me.' I just I guess maybe want to assume thats never her intention. Not to mention if I did ask her that she'd probably flip out and start screaming at me about how she would never do that and how dare I think that about her. Then of course there's my grandma on my moms side who I recently got into a angry argument with when I tried telling her about my PTSD since she wanted to know why I haven't exactly got my life together yet at the age of 22 and it came up. Anyways she tried to say 'well are you sure your not just dwelling on it.' I had to leave the room before it escalated because I was going to yell at her about how ignorant that was to say to someone with ptsd but who in their right mind wants to yell at their grandmother? I mean its bad enough when I end up yelling at my mom because shes yelling at me.