A cowards tale:How I earned my yellow streak

PLEASE respond at least with a short yes its your fault or no its not. I know some people arent willing to judge but I need to be judged because this hauntrs me

Bit in bold is only necessary part

This is my lowest moral point and I need to know what I should do to redeem myself.

First background
I came from an abusive house where I was punished for my mental health issues from childhood up was bullied and experienced social isoltation afterwards. I suffer from ocd sa depression and add which I misdiagnosed for a while I also have an addiction which im in treatment for.

Ive had suicidal and self harm tendencies since I was 14 too. These are going to influece the way you read this but I include them because I suppose they come under mitigating features and would be pertinent in a court of law.

I went to university at 18 and got into a social group where I assumed the scapegoat role that I had as a child at home. I was ignored constantly to the point where I became suicidal and constantly pleaded with my parents to let me come home to which they refused because life was so good without me.

I deserved that in part I believe because I would smoke weed with them without contirbuting a cent every night (i never had enough money to live) and when I had weed I sold it to them because I had no money.

I reasoned it was ok because I didnt have the kind of friends who I could really explain my situation too and borrow money from (at least thats how i felt) Througout the term I had very little money and I had an opiate addiction I had to fund for part of it.

Moreover at the beginning of term I had money and weed and didnt share immediately (took me a while to share) but I smoked with them.

I think it might have been my addictive personality or just selfishness, or my feeling that they didnt like me, because I shared later on when I wanted acceptance and always shareed weed unless I was sick either mentally or physically and felt I "Needed it" which never happened again except when I sold it and even thenn I shared some bits with them and only sold enough to earn money for food..

I was eventually caught smoking weed in my dorm room with these people and we were collared. I was terrified that they would turn on me, and blame me so I tried to seperate myself from the group by writing to tutors and explaining the dynamic and lying to my eternal shame: i wrote to say I wasnt smoking.

I kept this a secret and come time to see the dean I went behind their backs and said I wasnt smoking with them but rented out my room to please them. I said I had aspergers (this was my self misdiagnosis which i believed genuinelly I had).

I lied all the way through this like a amoral dog and eventually whenn eveyrone else was reeiving their letters explaiining what would happen to them I received no such letter and they cottoned on.

My case was only delayed for further study and I was evicted while they were not because of an admin issue.

I reasoned that:

I would be in more trouble due to it being my room if I admitted
If I were evicrted I would never cope having to live somewere else with people whom I believed hated me
If I were evicted I could end up homeless
My parents were emotionally abusive and would have literally killed me revived me and killed me again

In the wake of it all I was totally isolated. NOONE wanted to know me. The flat where I lived was empty 99% of the time, noone talked to me looked at me or wanted to know me and I was alone 100% of the time. During that time I had given up on my actual degree completely and spent all my time in my room going shopping when I had to. Oddly enough it was during that time that I was at my strongest emotionally. I basically hid though, avoiding everyone and everything. I hid in my room once during a flat party in out flat even when flatmates banged on my door!

This fills me with guilt and I dont know how to move on. I come across as selfish self serving and scheming.

Drugs play a huge part I guess, it all started with weed. I have a psychological addiction to the stuff and whenever I see it smoked I have powerful emotional cravings. These cravings werent nearly as strong back then I dont think.

If I found a group of good friends whom I had kinship with and whom I felt were my "surrogate family" I would gladly sacrifice whatever I had be it food or shelter or time or money:at least thats how I feel. But part of me wonders whether im just deeply selfish and in fact wouldnt.

Opiates changed me. Being addicted all I ever thought about was how to minimise my pain. Withdrawal was always onn the horizon and weed helped me to cope with the emotional and phsycial toll it took.

But im looking for an escape clause. I need people to acknowledge that what I did was wrong and I need a plan of action to prevent it happening again.

Anyone reading this who was there will probably think that im just trying to score validation. What I did was seen as a betrayal. I didnt see it that way at the time because I suffered at the hands of the group no question: I remember crying bitterly and tying to commit suicide because the wall of silence

For instance I had no birthday party when other's had a massive affair with presents and cake and song and dance. Instead I performed piano at a bar and invited people along with the promise of a popular dude on guitar with popular singers and discounted alcohol. I was in a dark corner and noone knew it was my birthday: people werent there for me I dont think. There was no happy birthday song at any rate. I pretended to be happy with that, but of course I wasnt.

Basically I didnt exist for most of the time. I had one friend who stood by me and tried to weather being popular and being my friend doing an admirable job, I loved this dude iin fact and he was one of the best friends if not the best friend ive ever had. He deserted me of course in the wake of it all because he was with the group and saw it as a betraya too.

Hello, Goldshift!

I find I cannot give you the exact kind of answer you request. My personal experience is different from yours, and I do not believe I possess the insight to judge effectively.

Additionally, I am not sure how useful the concepts of "cowardice" and "blame" are for understanding what you have experienced.
You grew up in a hostile environment which forced you to develop certain survival skills - mental and emotional. Even in the new environment of college you worked with the tools and patterns familiar to you. In an extreme situation your survival skills - for better or worse - took over and you acted to preserve yourself.

Self-preservation easily overwhelms more fragile concerns.

It is regrettable you became involved with that social group. It is likely, however, your background and 18-year-old needs helped pave the way to that group.

Please, tell us more.