[bigbear68]

I have a question to ask. But first let me explain a little bit about myself. I have suffered from depression for so long now, I dont know what its like to live without it. I had been in therapy for 11 yrs and then my therapist retired, so after trying a few new ones, I quit. Now I still do take an anti-depressant but I cant shake the constant feeling of hopelessness that I live in. I have tried so many self help books, sites and forums. I have tried to open up to people, and the years of therapy. I do manage to lead a normal life, but have this always present feeling of sadness inside, which I manage to hide most of the time. I see that lately I have been trying to read more about it so that makes me think, I must be trying again. The thing is I feel I have exhausted all my resources and after all these long years, I am still not cured. I was reading a depression book and it kept saying, keep up hope that your going to be ok, well I hate to admit this, I cant hang onto something I just dont have anymore. I feel like there is no hope, no matter what. What do I do now? Do I have to keep living this way. God its tiring. I just dont want to think about the long years ahead. what should I do???? Im so stressed.

[Rohag]

Hello, Bigbear68. Your post hits close to home.

Some time ago - I don't know when - I let go of hope. I'm not saying I have no hope; I just don't care, I no longer have the strength to care about having hope. For me, hope doesn't help. I simply live without reference to hope.

I was reading a depression book and it kept saying, keep up hope that your going to be ok, well I hate to admit this, I cant hang onto something I just dont have anymore.

I find maintaining hope demands psychic energy, and that bank account ran dry. Maybe I'll get better, a little better, a teensy-weensy bit better some time in the future; maybe I won't. Whatever. I no longer devote time and energy to the issue. Getting through today is my concern.

This is not advice! This is what has happened to me.

I do manage to lead a normal life...

I could use your advice.

[here today]

I'm so sorry you're having a stressful and hopeless time. 11 years of therapy and still feeling depressed? It's good that you can function OK but I certainly understand that that is not enough.

I had been dysthymic for years and then had a breakdown 10 years ago. I certainly wouldn't recommend that (!) but it sent me looking for some serious, different therapy, and eventually to a Ph.D therapist with some extra training. That seems to be helping.

Somebody on another board mentioned "schema therapy". People are using it for personality disorders as well as other long-term treatment-resisitant disorders. Maybe it would be worth looking into?

sorry you are feeling this way.

i hope things do get better