[asp1079]

Has anyone ever dealt with this?

As a result of my depression and BPD I more often than not have to 'pre-plan' my emotional reactions... but it isn't from lack of empathy. I feel more and more like my displays out emotions and my reactions to things are dull. Flat, lifeless... my smile isn't vibrant enough, my laugh seems too forced, I never laugh at the right time, I can't bring myself to care as much about the little things that make other people react easily - e.g., a funny joke or video. I just stare sometimes at these kinds of things and people become uncomfortable when I don't react in a positive way to something I SHOULD react positively to. Now I'm almost always paranoid people know I'm really empty inside.

Another example: at holidays and at gatherings where you have to socialize, I'll have to literally psych myself up for how I'll react in a 'good' and normal way to giving/receiving gifts and meeting people, since I fear they'll think I'll dull, sad, etc. I really don't know what the fix for this is. I feel very guilty about it.

Thanks to those who share/lend support....

[pandarama123456789]

I do this alot myself. I think up a bunch of different scenarios and play out how I will react to them. Like you mentioned, I find it hard to react in a positive way or any way at all to the 'little' things that happen to make others react. I'll often just stand or sit there, confused and left out. I pretend alot when I'm out with people, I usually just follow along to what the people around me to doing. It makes me feel really silly most of the time, but I think if I just keep pretending, maybe one day it wont feel forced, and it will be natural. Sorry, this probably isn't the best advice. Just wanting you to know you are not alone

[Leed]

I have basically been depressed ALL my life. I've been on medications for over 40 years now. I'm SICK of pretending, and now i refuse to do it.

Today I just am myself. If I seem to be dull or flat, too bad. The people who know me, will know what it's about. The people who DON'T know me, I don't care. I'll never see them again, so who gives a ##$$%..

I've pretended almost all my life, and for what? To make SOMEONE ELSE comfortable, not ME. Why should I care if someone ELSE is comfortable? My family knows my problem, and that should be enough. If my family was uncomfortable, then i'd still pretend. But they're not.

So I'm just ME. And if others don't like it, they can leave. Ya know??? This is the way I am, warts and all. I can't help it. So there!!!

[FooZe]

Hi asp1079, welcome to Psych Central!

Originally Posted by asp1079

As a result of my depression and BPD I more often than not have to 'pre-plan' my emotional reactions... I feel more and more like my displays out emotions and my reactions to things are dull. Flat, lifeless... my smile isn't vibrant enough, my laugh seems too forced, I never laugh at the right time, I can't bring myself to care as much about the little things that make other people react easily - e.g., a funny joke or video. I just stare sometimes at these kinds of things and people become uncomfortable when I don't react in a positive way to something I SHOULD react positively to. Now I'm almost always paranoid people know I'm really empty inside.

Another example: at holidays and at gatherings where you have to socialize, I'll have to literally psych myself up for how I'll react in a 'good' and normal way to giving/receiving gifts and meeting people, since I fear they'll think I'll dull, sad, etc. I really don't know what the fix for this is. I feel very guilty about it.

It sounds to me like you're describing strategies that you've come up with for pretending to be "OK" or "normal" or whatever you want to call it. Your strategies do seem to be getting in your way, too, but your real problem seems to be that

• You think you're not OK the way you are, and...

• You think that if you didn't keep pretending to be OK, other people would notice you weren't (and hold it against you). However...

• You also get to worry that if your pretense isn't quite convincing, people will catch on that you're pretending -- and hold that against you, too.

R.D. Laing discusses this sort of thing in Self and Others. One thing he points out is that it's quite possible to work your way around from being yourself, to pretending to be different from how you really are... to pretending to be yourself. Pretending to be yourself, it turns out, presents all the same problems as pretending to be anyone else, with none of the benefits of being yourself.

--> If the shoe doesn't fit, please don't wear it. <--

In my experience, the way to get away from pretending is by cultivating mindfulness. By the way DBT, which was first developed as a treatment for BPD, emphasizes mindfulness a lot.