[Bark]

I just finished doing some cleaning that really needed to be done (as in, for weeks or months). I mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned the stove, cleaned two bathroom floors, a tub, a bidet, and two sinks (I did the toilets yesterday), and combed cat fur off the carpet (we don't have a vacuum cleaner).

But the stove's not spotless, nor the floors, nor the tub... if I had spent maybe half an hour longer on the stove, I'd have gotten that stain off. If I had put more muscle into it, that tub would be cleaner. If... if....

I've been cleaning for around 4 hours or so. To me, it doesn't mean anything. It's something I should have done ages ago. Mind you I live in dorms, and I'm staying with my dad for now, so I'm basically doing it for him.

And of course I feel like I haven't been doing enough for him. He's got a million things to do, health problems to boot, and he still cooks me dinner or drives me places or wherever. And I feel guilty as hell asking him to take me places, so maybe I don't say, "Yes, this is what I want, and that's final." I let him decide... but that frustrates him because he wants me to basically tell him what to do. But my assertiveness is shot to hell, so you can see where this is going.

I could go on and on, but I'm going to hop in the car so we can change the oil. And of course I blame myself for the belt for the fan and power steering shredding because... it makes so much sense to blame myself for everything that happens to anyone.

I'm veering off a bit. Maybe I'll talk later.

Oh, and of course I feel guilty for bothering you all with this. I guess I'm hoping someone will say something, even if I'm going to shrug it off and dwell on my self-loathing.

And of course my Internet has to suck. So now I'm in the car, thankful I copied what I typed, because otherwise it would all be gone.

I went through a very emotional divorce.
2 weeks after my final court divorce, I took 2 weeks and painted the whole inside of my parents house. All walls and ceilings in every room.
i just had to keep-on-keepin-on.
It helped the hurt and pain inside.


Keep on truckin!

[unaluna]

nothing is ever good enough... for whom? i'm guessing that is not your original voice. Maybe mom's?

[Bark]

Originally Posted by hankster

nothing is ever good enough... for whom? i'm guessing that is not your original voice. Maybe mom's?

It's been so long I've internalized it, but yes, mostly mom's. Then maybe other people building on top of that. I wasn't the model kid that was always neat and tidy, cleaning up and listening to mom like a robot. Maybe I got really good grades in school, but I was still stupid and dumb and not like the other kids (who were all perfectly behaved, obviously, unlike us). And sometimes I'd try, but I'd get it wrong, and maybe it would have been better not to try in the first place.

It's some pretty deep-set stuff I'm aware of, consciously, but when I'm down I could care less and just let those feelings reign. And down is practically every day: maybe not sad and crying, but irritable and guilty and lacking motivation and indulging in thoughts of ways to hurt myself or worse.

[Blue Poppy]

Time to stop living by your mother's standards and set your own bar! You'll feel better........... trust me.

[unaluna]

I get that, the down every day. that's not normal. normal people do not start out in the dungeon every day. you can get out, with the right therapist. one who understands that pushing you is only going to push you further down, no thanks buddy, I need some lifting up, not more harrassment, had enough to last me a lifetime.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by Blue Poppy

Time to stop living by your mother's standards and set your own bar! You'll feel better........... trust me.

My bar's at ground level right now.

But I do realize that.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by hankster

I get that, the down every day. that's not normal. normal people do not start out in the dungeon every day. you can get out, with the right therapist. one who understands that pushing you is only going to push you further down, no thanks buddy, I need some lifting up, not more harrassment, had enough to last me a lifetime.

I've been seeing counsellors for a few years now. I've been seeing my current one for a year now. Only recently that I've opened up enough, I guess. I won't be seeing him till September sometime, but not having classes is a huge load off my back, so I should be fine till then.