[Chewy2841]

So, I'm having some trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and I really don't know what to do anymore.

My mom died about 3 months ago, and I haven't been the same since. Before she died, I would be hooked on video games. I would do nothing besides eat, go to school, play video games, and sleep.

Shortly after she died, I told myself it's time to get back in touch with the world, and get out of the house. I spent the next few weeks finishing school and preparing for summer. During summer I still played a game here and there, but I was never hooked. I went on vacation in the first few weeks of July to visit my grandmother in Germany, on my dad's side. We do this every year, because we really do believe family is everything.

When I got back from Germany, I was home for a week. In that week I spent a lot of time with friends, and a lot of time on my video games (again). I realized that I'm going back to where I was before, but validated it with "There's nothing else to do".

After that week, I left to visit my brother for 3 weeks in Mississippi. In those three weeks, I did quite a lot of drinking, smoking (cigarettes), and drug use (marijuana, cocaine, speed, MDMA). We validated this as it's our last summer before he starts his career, so we should make it count. We also spread our mothers ashes at the beach, as she requested. While I was with my brother, I noticed I really wanted to succeed when I returned. I want to do good in school, go to college, and get my dream job.


Since I returned on Tuesday, I noticed I'm getting more and more irritable, frustrated, worried, upset, depressed, and in general pissed off with the world. I've noticed a lot of changes in my behavior. I eat less and less, and then gorge in one meal. I rarely pay attention to my hygiene. I haven't changed clothes since Tuesday. I sleep 13-15 hours, instead of my usual 6-10 hours. I can't find satisfaction with anything I do, including my hobbies. I can't bring myself to program, or even touch my computer, for fear of being sucked into video games. I can cook, but my I don't really enjoy my favorite meals. I can barely work out anymore, because I just don't have the energy to lift, run, or do anything anymore.

I'm also dreading my return to school, which normally I enjoy. I know a lot of people at school. While they are my friends, I only really have 2 or 3 real friends. Making new serious friends is hard, because everyone has their cliques, and I generally roam from clique to clique.


So really, I'm just looking for a way to pass the time until I can be at a point where I can be calm and myself again. I want to enjoy the things I like!


The main reason I'm posting, is I really don't know what to do anymore. I've lost interest before in my hobbies, but I quickly blow it off and enjoy life again. The problem is, it's been longer than normal for a "blow off" and I'm worried this is coming from the depression phase of coping.



If anybody has any suggestions to get through this phase, or stories they can share, I'd greatly appreciate it.


(I'm sorry about the long post, but it's a lot I needed to unload)

[Littlefish]

R u very dear to your mom,and she loved u very much, she is the center in your heart , ?
if so, this pain will stay there for a long time, cuz u lost the most important person , it is like u lost your soul, the hurting is very deep....but u hide it by playing video games and hanging out with friends,.....now the hidden hurt is coming to surface, so u get eating and sleeping trouble...
u shall find a way to let the sadness and pain to come out , dont hide it, talk to some friends who understand this or post on some forums, find some good movies, music, art to release this sadness.
only when this is healed, u can find your heart and life back in order.
if no friends can talk about this, try to find a way to give your care and love to some people, by that way brings back a lot healing too.
Sadness and dark thing in our life will make our body and brain in disorder, but same time, it will change and mold us to new .
I m also struggling my own darkness, it is so difficult, but this is why life is a lesson and school, too. a REAL big lesson and school.

[Mogeii]

Im not in a good place atm either Chewy, but I think I can still give you something.

The obvious is that your mother passing is a terrible loss for you i'm sure, and things like that don't have set timetables for when its supposed to hurt the most or mess us up. Your video game addiction stuff I really wouldn't worry about, I'm young and a gamer too and honestly when I am not depressed video games take up most of my nights as I game with friends or whatever. While I am depressed those same games disgust me and make me think im a useless scumbag, but thats a symptom not a truth. One thing I think you should take into account is your drug usage this summer with your brother. Personally, I dont care about what drugs people use legal or illegal. In fact, you say after this party summer you felt invigorated to do well in life, so who is gonna argue that your cocaine etc usage is the entire reason your struggling now? No one sane imo. But just consider the following: Huge loss (mother dying), opens up a feeling of "offness" and sadness, went to Germany so a lot of brain stimulus there seeing your grandmother after your mother's passing, come back still being a bit "off" both psychologically and probably chemically in the brain, then go on summer vacation and blast your head with brain altering alcohol/drugs- plenty of stuff there to suppress some things, come back with a new plan for life-another major life event. So basically since your mother passed, you have filled your brain with either events or thoughts or distractions all of which aren't the most boring I would say.

Now you are depressed, and I say that not being a doctor. But you say you don't get enjoyment out of your usual stuff you like which is symptom #1 in depression. Your sleep is off, thats in the top 5 symptoms of depression. So hey man, you are depressed . But I think in your case its your time to be depressed. Maybe its your brain catching up with your body. Your mother passed and since then you have been doing so much (in my opinion) positive stuff. Sure Sure you probably could have done better without the cocaine and speed lol but whatever it was done and no permanent damage happened. So you want to know how to pass the time in your current rut or depressive episode, and all I can say is there are three things that I would do in your shoes.
1. Do not try to ignore or suppress emotions that may be about your mother's passing or that type of stuff. If it's anger, find some pillows or a punching bag and beat the **** out of it while your cry, if its sadness, cry your damn guts out, if its guilt or grief, more crying and also self forgiveness. LET IT OUT.
2. Maybe see a therapist? Again not a doctor, but if you go see a psych or maybe even a regular family doctor they are gonna write you a script for an Antidepressant. See a therapist first and if things aren't getting better or if you have ANY self harm thoughts, then go find a medical doctor for some help. I take antidepressants, in fact ive spent 9 months now looking for the right one, but honestly most people do it backwards and see a doctor before a therapist for emotional issues. Do it in the correct order.
3. NOW is the time to stay away from the drinks/drugs. If you are a cig smoker whatever you get enough preaching from TV commercial on why its bad for you bla bla. Forget that. But its well known that alcohol's effect on a depressed mind is an ugly one. If you are feeling good enough to have a beer or 2 or 3 with your friends one night, its not going to kill you, but if you self medicate with alcohol to try and ignore your bad feelings you are in for the nightmare of your life. The drugs ide just stay away from for now period. Your brain is going to be a chemical stew enough going through this without you giving it some cocaine to deal with as well lol.

So ya thats it, simple probably obvious stuff man. In my completely non expert and barely even amateur opinion, you need time, self help, and maybe therapy. If you want some good news, I would argue that your current depression is not an indicator of any kind of long term chronic depressive illness like me and many others on this site have. I say this in a positive way, although it sounds kind of negative lol, but you my friend have the right and good reason to have some depression in your life for a little bit. It will pass.

[whimsygirl]

Hello Chewy....No need to apologize for whatever the length of your post happens to be. Glad you posted. I think it would be a good time to see a doctor and ~or psychologist. Perhaps a grief counselor. Mind altering drugs....not really a good idea. (Personally I'm not a fan anyway, but especially when you've got other stuff going on.) It'll just complicate things. Best of luck..... ps....My heartfelt opinion, leave diagnosis to people qualified to do it. There are a lot of caring professionals out there to help get you back of the road to a better place.

[Blue Poppy]

Hello Chewy,

You mentioned several symptoms that sound suspicious of depression. Lack of interest, sleeping too much, dreading school etc. I do think you should see a family doctor to discuss your symptoms.

I think that school will be of value to you, because there will be a routine and it will force you to socialize with your friends. Socialization is important, even if we don't feel like it. We are social creatures.

As hard as it is, the third thing I would suggest is exercise. Go for a walk or run or swim etc. It helps with your brain chemicals.

I hope you are feeling better soon and my sympathies go out to you in the loss of your mother.