down...

Today was one of those days when after 1 thing goes wrong you just cannot believe that something else could go wrong, and then it does- and the cycle carrys on all day. Things have been not too bad over the last few days. Mother's Day was hard- only having 1 out of 3 chn with me (one in care, 1 who died)- but friends invited me to their place for tea, and that was great (never mind that I was 1 1/2hrs late due to ER waiting times...hmmm, I have bronchitis). The first proper cooked meal in weeks, and we all had a great time. Today however... I got home last night too late to take my meds (if I take them too late I can't get up to bubs in the morning) and had a 'wake-every-hour' night. Bad start. Then I was all prepared for my access with no1 but was getting rather confused when she had not turned up 20mins late. A phonecall cleared that up. Turns out that when I left a msg on her social workers ph on friday ASKING if it was ok to meet up with no1 at the museum, the social worker didn't really listen to what i said and organised for no1 to be at the museum for 10am. So far the rules have been that we have the access at my house. I did get an apology for that, but when i also asked what was happening about the access i had asked for 3 (yes, THREE) weeks ago to take her to the circus on Wednesday, dear old social worker said 'oh yes, i meant to talk to you after our last meeting but never got round to it. I have given tickets to no1's caregiver so she can take no1'. I am just about to blow a fuse while I write this, I am so mad. So after waiting all day for a ph call from her to see if she could change that and grant me access I have left 2 msgs on her ph- the 1st one asking her to contact me today so I know what is happening, and the 2nd one saying (in nicer words) 'tough s*#t, i gave you 3 weeks notice to organise this, and you tell me today that not only is it not my access time with her, but that she has given the tickets to the carer to take her, so I am just going to go ahead and take her like I had planned to'. I guess I find out tomorrow how that has gone down...Then after getting to the museum and having a great time I had a meeting at no1's school. Got a few issues cleared up there but was told that no1 is still getting quite tired, and that the medication she is on has not been decreased. When I got the last script I asked her doc if, since she wasn't taking her 1/2 tablet in the morn as it was making her too tired, could she take a whole tablet at night and see how she goes. He was fine with that. I passed on tho the carers that she could take a full tablet but if she was too tired it should be dropped back to 1/2 tab. Although I am not meant to (politics etc) I rang the carers directly today after the meeting to find out why they had not reduced the dose. Apparently according to them she is not tired, she just plays on the fact that if she says she is tired at school she gets to go and lie on the beanbags for a bit, and if she sees the cats go into her bedroom she says she is tired so she can go down and 'torture' the animals. They are refusing to reduce the meds becoz they do not believe she really is tired, and besides, the label on the container says to take 1 tab daily. I was told to get my act together and start acting like a parent ( ) and think about what is best for her. I rang the paediatrician and he was willing to ring them and tell them to reduce the tabs, but then he realised that he would get the argument from them that they gave me- she is not really tired, she is putting it on etc. So he said to get the school to put into writing their concerns, and send it to all who needed the letter. He will be seeing no1 on Thursday and will change the med dose then. So a little resolution, but i felt a right idiot hardly being able to talk to him thru my tears (he's on my side tho for anything- he's a fantastic guy) so I know he understands. I then ring the carer's supervisor to let her know about the ph calls and what was happening. She tells me that apparently I abused the carers over the phone (yes, I did say that they were on the back foot when they told me to get my act together, and that I had just come from a meeting that confirmed that...lots of ppl are not happy with the carers at the mo). I tell her what was said, then said that I had rung the doc and said what the plan was. She reckons I agreed to giving the full tab a trial for a month, til the next meeting. I strongly deny that, and would love to see that in writing, as I was concerned that no1 WOULD get too tired, and that if she did the tab could be decreased. In fact, I had given the carers the option of increasing it in the first place.

I'm sorry, I have just realised that I have been typing away and it is just a load of nonsense drivel; but drivel that has made me wonder whether even looking at getting no1 back is worth it, or if she and no2 would be better either going into permanent care with a state carer (unfortunately the current carers are private, but being emplyed by the state for no1). I wonder this becoz about 4pm I got a txt from ex, wondering if I would be home at 5. I said yes, why. He said just to wait. I sent him another msg saying I wasn't in the mood for talk, so either he txts me wat it is or don't bother coming round. Turns out (we have been separated 8 weeks) that after coming round and saying how he doesn't know if he loves me, he is confused and needs to sort his feelings out, his need for sex (this is my opinion!!) has overcome any other thoughts he may have had towards us working things out and he has himself a new girlfriend. She has even already been cleared by cps with their police check ( ).

So that is my sad, pathetic life that is just getting worse and worse. I mean, with so much adversity what is the point. Yes, I look at the pictures of my 2 beautiful girls ( ), and see the joy in no1s face every time she sees me, but I am not feeling such a strong bond to no2 any more- due to PND I never formed one with her at the start and really had to work hard to form one and now that is slipping away. I feel that I couldn't bear to hurt no1 by,,, sorry, may come back to finish later. Can't see much between tears at mo...

{{{{{Irishsj}}}}} wow you did do a release......sorry you are feeling this way.......

((((((((((((((( irishsj ))))))))))))))))

thanks lilith and fuzzybear. But things are still on a downer- i am not allowed to take no1 to the circus- and the social worker had the balls to say she didn't want to hurt m e, and then asked if I was ok. Duh- i was very open, said no I was NOT ok, and that she was doing a really good job of hurting me, then said goodbye and hung up. I hate it when I cry, and all i seem to be doing at the mo it that, esp on the phone, and of course everyone can hear that. I feel it is not even worth trying to get no1 back, everyone is against me at the mo (that's the way it seems) and they may as well put no2 into care as well. I want to just curl up in bed, under the covers and never have to come out. I could never 'permanently' make myself go away from the girls, esp no1 becoz of our close bond, but there is no fight left in me.

((((((((((((((((((irish))))))))))))))))))))))))
My heart goes out too you since I have gone through something a little similar in ways, with mine too. It is very difficult.
BIG HUGS
Cher