[archangel333]

There is a history of suicide in my family & I have always suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts. With my mom killing herself when I was a young teen I have been able to easily rid myself of those suicidal thoughts because I can still see the police man waking me up in the night when she killed herself. But now my depression has grown beyond anything I can manage and the suicidal thoughts are not so easily dismissed. I reached out for help and believe me it was difficult finding it because so many therapists and psychiatrists are booked out for a month. Waiting a month is difficult when on the "ledge". I even had one cancel my appointment that scheduled a month out having to start all over again finding someone. I did finally get with a therapist and psychiatrist.

I work 4 days a week no less than 12 hours and typically 14 hrs each day. My 3 days off I also spend on work at home for things unfinished. Combine that with just finalizing bankrupcty, two of my kids being typical teens lashing out at me (alot) and a completely out of control/messy home it put me on that "ledge". My doctor took me out of work for a bit which adds to my stress because I do have bills to pay but I know I need to focus on getting healthy which is why I am out. I am now on my 3rd med and hope this helps. The other two meds - I suffered extremely amplified depression/suicidal thoughts. I am also starting to go to church, reading more on what can help and seeking support groups like here.

To be honest as of today I still feel like nothing matters. I get no pleasure in anything, see no point or purpose in my life and lack any motivation to do things. I know I have kids/family but it still doesnt make me feel like I have a purpose. I am scared this will not end and that is why I am here reading from all of you and what others have been thru, that helps to see some light at end of the tunnel.

I am scared I will lose our home if things dont get better - I want to be able to get back to work but what if I continue to have these issues of depression and suicidal thoughts?

[oliamble]

Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can relate to you. I have practicallyost my home, end of a foreclosure sale date, I had been suffering from depression for almost 14 years and I have a beautiful kid whom to live for and to on for. I know what it is dealing with teenagers (I have two in the house now).

I'm sorry to hear about your mother committing suicide and your teenagers acting up. It seems to be more of a process because from what I see, they soon begin to realize what the meaning of life and responsibilities are, it hits them up at age 18 when they turn into adults.

The point is that none of us here would like to see you do harm to your self and it is in times like these that you need these type of reinforcements to let you know that there is life at the end of the tunnel and that there is much more to live for out there than to just throw it away. Hang in there.

[shezbut]

(((hugs)))

I am very sorry to hear that your mom killed herself. Getting through such a huge emotional event must have been extremely difficult for you.

You have made it through to having children of your own, and now dealing with their teenage defiance and disrespect. Very common ~ but stressful, that's for sure! Are you working with a pDoc (psychiatrist) as well as a T (therapist) to discuss your thoughts and feelings openly?

Personally, I often struggle with S.I. but it's relieving to be able to discuss these things with my T, without fear of being locked up. Just letting these fantasies and hopes out really helps me ~ instead of continuing to repress. I have 2 children of my own, and I'm very against leaving them while they're so young and dependent. I don't want to mess them up any more than I have already! So, I do remind myself of that fact on tougher days. That can help me.

People do care about you very much. You may not feel that love right now, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. Please don't give up! Call your doctor and get in to see a T asap! Hopefully, the right med combo and dosage is just right around the corner. Try to be patient. You're in my thoughts.

[archangel333]

I am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. I don't feel better yet but keep hoping. Its hard to reason or think when all in my head is negative. Too much to stress about I guess and need some it lifted off of me but no realistic way to do that since I need my job, house, etc.

After trying zoloft, prozac and that made things worse, I am now on Cymbalta (2nd day). Not being at work makes me wonder how people will treat me when I get back to work because you know people will talk. I am trying everything to fight this but dont know what it will take.

[Leed]

Hang in there sweetie. I've been depressed since I was a very small child, but my parents didn't do anything about it cause they were too busy drinking. I didn't get any help until I was in my 20s, married and found my own therapist. Thank God I did, cause I was about ready to go over the edge. She put me in a mental hospital for 2 weeks (well, I signed myself in but she suggested it). It was the best thing I could have done for myself)

I stayed with that therapist for a year after getting out of the hospital and was doing great. I don't need to give you my years of therapy, but there IS light at the end. You have to have hope and FAITH!!

I'm so sorry to hear about your dear Mom. I know that had an awful effect on you sweetie, but it need NOT affect your future. It has NOTHING to do with YOUR future unless you let it. You have your own future, and it's what YOU make it! You have the POWER to make it wonderful and I know you can. Do it for your kids as they deserve it as YOU DO.

People DO CARE about you. WE care about you very much. If your meds are NOT working, then tell your doc that they need adjusting and now!! Tell him that you feel awful and you cant keep feeling like this and you want something done! We're behind you totally, so never feel like you're alone because you're NOT. Keep postiing sweetie. We're here. God bless you and take care. Hugs, Lee

[archangel333]

Thank you so much for replying. This is my first week on the new med and so far no real bad side effects except some headaches, being sluggish but hope that will pass. I do feel somewhat of a difference but nothing major. They usually double the dosage after a week. Just concerned over the horror stories I read online about Cymbalta but so far its ok.

I just finished cutting the grass and it took me 2 weeks to get myself to do it. (No motivation) That helped me feel better cause I like cutting the lawn. Probably last time before fall really sets in.

I just pray when I return back to work that doesnt make things worse because it's typically a 14hr day. Get up - work - sleep & I dont really get to eat except lunch.