[melstar]

I feel miserable today. Last night was incredibly rough. I felt like my world was ending. I was in an uncontrollable state. I scratched up one of my arms pretty badly. I went searching for my sleeping pills with the intent on taking them, but could not find them. I just realized that I had nothing left to live for. My husband is leaving me, why I don't really know, I have no family support, my friends are only around when they are not busy. I just feel trapped in this state of depression that I can't seem to find my way out of. I feel like such a looser.
I have struggled through some extensive abuse in my past from my parents, physical, emotional, sexual and neglect. Which I am having a hard time dealing with even fifteen years later and after fifteen years of therapy.
I went to see my older brother, the only one who has been through the same things as me in my family of ten, this weekend. And I learned that he is being treated the same way I am. That what happened in our family is to be forgotten about, and our mother is to be seen as 'the rightous one' who can do no wrong. What my brother and I endured growing up has changed the way we see the world and the way we raise our families. Muchless changed the way we see the woman who gave birth to us. I have physical scars to prove what she did, although she denies remembering any of it, to go along with the emotional ones. He just has alot of emotional scars.
I learned this weekend that my father whom sexually abused me for 7 years still struggles with 'those' feelings and can't even hold his grandchildren without feeling them. That scares me. If I ever found out that he did anything to any of my neices or nephews I would be spending the rest of my life in jail, but you can bet he wouldn't be doing it again.
I guess this weekend brought up alot of feelings that I had stuffed and I don't have a therapist to deal with them with so I am struggling through them myself.
Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
melstar

[CandleGlow]

Originally Posted by melstar

I feel miserable today. Last night was incredibly rough. I felt like my world was ending. I was in an uncontrollable state. I scratched up one of my arms pretty badly. I went searching for my sleeping pills with the intent on taking them, but could not find them. I just realized that I had nothing left to live for. My husband is leaving me, why I don't really know, I have no family support, my friends are only around when they are not busy. I just feel trapped in this state of depression that I can't seem to find my way out of. I feel like such a looser.
I have struggled through some extensive abuse in my past from my parents, physical, emotional, sexual and neglect. Which I am having a hard time dealing with even fifteen years later and after fifteen years of therapy.
I went to see my older brother, the only one who has been through the same things as me in my family of ten, this weekend. And I learned that he is being treated the same way I am. That what happened in our family is to be forgotten about, and our mother is to be seen as 'the rightous one' who can do no wrong. What my brother and I endured growing up has changed the way we see the world and the way we raise our families. Muchless changed the way we see the woman who gave birth to us. I have physical scars to prove what she did, although she denies remembering any of it, to go along with the emotional ones. He just has alot of emotional scars.
I learned this weekend that my father whom sexually abused me for 7 years still struggles with 'those' feelings and can't even hold his grandchildren without feeling them. That scares me. If I ever found out that he did anything to any of my neices or nephews I would be spending the rest of my life in jail, but you can bet he wouldn't be doing it again.
I guess this weekend brought up alot of feelings that I had stuffed and I don't have a therapist to deal with them with so I am struggling through them myself.
Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
melstar

Hi melstar
Sorry I don't have advise or wisdom today - but wanted to let you know I identify with some you have expressed. So sorry things have all come to the surface and causing you distress. Sending Hugs

[Leed]

Dearest Melstar -- I cannot imagine what you're going thru. I have SOME experience with abuse, but nothing that severe.

Why not join us on the Sexual Abuse forum? There you will find others who perfectly understand what you are going thru, and the triggers that cause such horrific anxiety. Just scroll down on the list of topics and you'll find it there. You will be more than welcome -- everyone who has been abused is welcome!

Your husband certainly is a creep -- leaving you when you need him so badly. "Creep" really isn't what I wanted to call him, but I try not to use that kind of language. LOL But he'll get paybacks -- what goes around comes around, and I've found that to be true. He'll get his.

I know you need face-to-face support, and I wish I was there to give you a hug, cause I think you could use one -- but this is the best I can do -- ((((melstar)))) I hope you felt that. I really meant it. Again, please join us on the Sexual Abuse forum and you'll get plenty of support. Hope to see you there. God bless and I hope you have as serene a night as possible. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[melstar]

Thanks Lee,

I appreciate the kindness.
I looked for the sexual abuse forum and can't find it. I can only find the survivors of abuse thread. Not sure if I am searching in the right spot or not.

Yes I had a better night, not feeling a whole lot better but I am hanging in there.

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by melstar

I feel miserable today. Last night was incredibly rough. I felt like my world was ending. I was in an uncontrollable state. I scratched up one of my arms pretty badly. I went searching for my sleeping pills with the intent on taking them, but could not find them. I just realized that I had nothing left to live for. My husband is leaving me, why I don't really know, I have no family support, my friends are only around when they are not busy. I just feel trapped in this state of depression that I can't seem to find my way out of. I feel like such a looser.
I have struggled through some extensive abuse in my past from my parents, physical, emotional, sexual and neglect. Which I am having a hard time dealing with even fifteen years later and after fifteen years of therapy.
I went to see my older brother, the only one who has been through the same things as me in my family of ten, this weekend. And I learned that he is being treated the same way I am. That what happened in our family is to be forgotten about, and our mother is to be seen as 'the rightous one' who can do no wrong. What my brother and I endured growing up has changed the way we see the world and the way we raise our families. Muchless changed the way we see the woman who gave birth to us. I have physical scars to prove what she did, although she denies remembering any of it, to go along with the emotional ones. He just has alot of emotional scars.
I learned this weekend that my father whom sexually abused me for 7 years still struggles with 'those' feelings and can't even hold his grandchildren without feeling them. That scares me. If I ever found out that he did anything to any of my neices or nephews I would be spending the rest of my life in jail, but you can bet he wouldn't be doing it again.
I guess this weekend brought up alot of feelings that I had stuffed and I don't have a therapist to deal with them with so I am struggling through them myself.
Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
melstar

Hi, melstar, I don't know that I have much advice to give you but I'm sorry for all the pain and abuse you went through, and the situation with your husband. Although I wasn't sexually abused, I can identify with the extensive emotional and physical abuse and neglect. And even though it's been so long ago the damage is lasting. Please don't think I'm saying that once damaged one should give up, I don't think so at all, but it sure can make it tougher than a "normal' upbringing. Is there some way you could find a therapist on a sliding scale basis, or if you are religiously inclined, a pastor-counselor... something along those lines?
Best wishes to you.