Afraid b/c didn't see things sooner

After all these years, I would have hoped by now that I would have recognized the signs of depression but it has sneaked up on me full force. To the point where I am not functioning, my grades have fallen, I am sleeping a lot, barely eating, crying all the time, bad thoughts, and hardly leaving the house. Thankfully I had a pdoc appointment to catch it. I am so afraid of this nothingness of an existence that has become me again, losing myself, losing my spot in my school program as it requires B's to continue to the last semester, and in failing out and getting swallowed up. The weird part is that I do care about it because I know I should, and yet at the same time I just don't care, part of me is just so tired that none of this downward spiral matters; and yet I am angry at myself for not seeing the signs and symptoms in the first place.

Meds are being changed but I know it will take some time, yet if I imagine what hope might be, I know the meds will help change things as the new levels come up; right now I just know this logically, it just feels like an empty promise. I guess I need to go on faith right now and just keep trying. I scheduled an appointment with T, and will be keeping it meanwhile even though I don't want to leave the house; I will. I am supposed to call pdoc each week until next month when see him again; he said if he didn't hear from me, he would be calling so to make a point of it. So I am not tackling this alone. But I now hate that I am causing such a fuss for them all. If I had just paid attention sooner, but I can't change that fact, so will just have to deal with things as they are now. I have to remind myself until I can believe it that it will get better, oh, please, it has to.

Thank you in advance for listening to me vent. Such at wits end and needed to get this out. Tears again, gotta go. Thanks again for listening, and hope this finds you well.

Oh sweet Fresia, all kinds of things can sneak up on us.
Life in general, our illness, but nothing you did wrong or need to fault yourself with.
You have realized the need for change, taken action with T & pdoc.
This is their job, not like you are imposing on a friend or relative.
This & med change will hopefully help you get up, & out of house more, keep your grades up.
Those are Hugh things to accomplish.
Be proud of yourself & take some credit for this.
I know you can do this, you do walk in Faith, you are not alone.
Please vent & get this off your chest & keep us posted.
I'm not in this forum much but will check more often.
PM anytime, my VM's are back up now also.
Take care of yourself.

Dearest Fresia ~ Depression is such a cruel illness. It's so sneaky too, because when we think things are going "ok" and staying at an even keel, all of a sudden we realize that we are incredibly depressed! How did that happen? Weren't we even looking? How did we miss it? We keep asking ourselves those questions but we have no answers. Depression is THAT sneaky.

We can't possibly be on the alert 24/7 to THAT extent. WE think we're being vigilant, but it sneaks up on us anyway. Thank God for therapists and medication. If I was not on medication, I would be so far in the pits, even a backhoe wouldn't be able to dig me up.

I'm hoping that the meds adjustment will help you. I pray that it does because you can't keep living like this. Will you do something for us? Will you let us know if the medications work?? I'd appreciate it if you would. Please take care and God bless! Hugs, Lee