[listener]

Hi, I have not logged on to this site in a awhile, but I need something, I dont quite know what, writing may help...

My pattern of mental health issues has changed drastrically. I don't know if this is the right forum but I am so depressed that I thought I might start here. I have many other problems such as PTSD, DID,etc so this is hard to put into one catagory.
I have become a loner basically, except for my Church community who has become my surrogate family. I have 4 children who live with their dad, one block away. I have had many, many hospitalizations in the past 8 years, infact for atleast 4 or 5 of those years I was hospitalized more than not. That is mostly due to the DID though, (Dissociative Identity Disorder, or what is also known as Multiple Personality Dis.).

I have gone through some very suicidal times, and some times when I feel like I need to be punished for somethings that I didn't do, wasn't responsible for and/or don't even consciously remember.

I get extremely depressed at times, like I am now. I am not actively suicidal, but I have no desire to live. I don't plan on killing myself, but if I died, I wouldn't complain. ("Do you hear that, God???"). My depression is stemming from a lot of areas, these are not in order of importance:

1.) My father-in-law died last month and being divorced from that marraige, I was left out of the celebration of his life and the mourning of his death. The funeral was 8 hrs away, I would have had to travel by myself by bus and stay by myself. It wasn't a good idea for me to go for my own mental instability. I got to know him better in the 6 years we were divorced than in the 20 years we were married. So I have a lot of unworked on grief that didn't get processed, not only about him but that whole part of my family, which was a whole lot more healthy than my own.

2.) My Ex- has been becoming more and more abusive toward me for reasons that I can't figure out except that I am an easy target for his inability to face his father's death. He has kept the kids from seeing me, when I expect them, (my kids are 19, 15, 13, and 11), because of their ages I do get to see them, but he has made big to-dos at public places, making sure they don't say goodbye to me, etc. and when Ive been on the phone with them he will grab the phone and scream so loud that it is inauduble and hang up. Of course, my kids are not blind to this. He has also approached other people who I am on committees with at church and been very abusive to them regaurding me. I am beginning to not want to be involved with anyone in order to protect them from him. I feel guilty that I am bringing this energy to them. He is a member of our church but not active, although our kids are, so he has to be to a certain point. I have talked with the people he has done this to and they tell me that I don't need to be responsible for him. I know that, I have been in therapy long enough to know that. But that doesnt stop the embarrassment and shame -- the old stuff comes flying back out. I have caller ID but he doesn't usually call, the kids do.

3.) My mother./Christmas expectations/ and a totally disfunctional family -- alcoholic and all. I haven't gone to our family Christmas gathering for 4 years and this year, it seems that they all were on my case about it. "If you had a better doctor you would be cured by now", "I don't understand how not being with your family at Christmas could be less stress" , " If you can't handle it you can come and stay in the hotel with your dad and I" (that was one of my personal favorites!), and from my extremely out of control alcoholic sister _"don't worry, I'll protect you", protect me from what??? Not one of them return phonecalls or emails to me. They don't want anything to do with me except that I 'should' be at the family Christmas party.

4.) My mother has Alzheimer's and as I get healtheir, she gets worse. We are passing eachother by, maybe for the better as she is still drinking. But she is also extremely mean at times. It's hard to stay neutral.

5.) My biggest worry is that I will do the same guilt trips, and have already caught myself at it, to my own children. I've told each of them, if I start trying to make that feel guilty about something that doesn't deserve it, tell me that I am acting like their grandmother, (they know what that means too), and if I don't stop, take me out back and shoot me.

There are a few more things that rate up there too but I can't write a book here. Thanks for letting me vent. Let's hope for a better new year, Listener