[shinkikker]

I know I just posted a thread a little while ago but I really really need help, I need someone, I am having a total depressive breakdown.

I am feeling suicidal and I thought about calling the suicide hotline but I don't want to talk on the phone to a stranger, I hate talking on the phone, and all the online suicide help chat rooms are offline right now.

I know I should probably go to the hospital but it would cost my family a lot of money and I feel like they would think it is stupid to go to the hospital again. I don't want to call my mom or text her because she would freak out because she is 4 hours away. I keep crying then getting catatonic then going to the kitchen to look at the drawer of knives. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to go on, it's too hard, it's too fruitless, and I'm tired of fighting.

I'm scared of what I will do. I was reading some things online about when to go to the hospital and it said if you/the person you think is suicidal has a plan, to go to the hospital right away. I don't really know what it means to have a plan... like I know how I would do it? Or what? I don't know. I really don't know what to do right now. I feel miserable, afraid, unpredictable. I don't have any friends to turn to. I tried talking to my boyfriend and he just changed the subject and asked if he could use my Papa John's account to order pizza.

I need help. Insight. Advice. Please.

[sweetsurrender]

I just responded to your other thread. Of you are feeling unsafe a hospital could provide that for you along with medication adjustments, therapy and coping skills. Do you have a T? Tommorrow is a brand new day. If you can't go to the hospital, can you go to your boyfriends so maybe you could stay safe? I would strongly entourage you to contact your T.

[whenwillitend]

go to the hospital. nothing stupid about it. nothing to be embarrassed about. you sound like you need to be at the hospital right now. please go.

[shinkikker]

I don't know. I have no one to go with. It would cost my parents so much money and they are already paying a lot of money for me to go to school. I would feel so stupid if I went to the hospital tonight only to feel better in the morning.

[whenwillitend]

If you think you can be safe tonight, wait and see how you feel in the morning. If you're not sure, go, go now. I've been there several times, saying I can't go because of money. It never ended well. Don't worry about the money. You can give your parents an IOU and tell them you'll pay them back sometime in the future.

I'm sorry, I have to go to bed now, but I will check on you in the morning.

[likewater]

Hi, Shinkikker. Thinking about using knives in the kitchen drawer sounds like a plan to me. Your parents would much rather pay for an ER visit than a funeral. Seriously go to ER or call 911. My
brother killed himself. We sooo much wish he had called 911. May angels surround you.

[tigerlily84]

Shinkikker how are you feeling now? I agree with the other posters. It's better to be on the cautious side and go to the hospital as soon as you can. btw, that was a plan. Please go right now. Call the suicide hotline.

[shinkikker]

I slept for about 12 hours and now I feel a little better. I am not sure what to do now. I don't feel suicidal at the moment, but I do feel depressed still. I don't know what I should do. I was thinking about maybe holding off on doing anything today, but instead of waiting til Tuesday to see the therapist, going to the emergency walk in thing at my university tomorrow where you get to see a therapist within 15 minutes. And I still haven't talked to my mom about what happened last night.

[sunnybe]

glad to hear you are doing better and good for you to get yourself off of that ledge. hospitals will make you feel safe b/c that is their job but your job is to get to a safe place, hopefully come up with a plan. It sounds like whatever happened with your mom or the other night is something tht may hve upset you to this point of suicide. I just recently rejoined the group b/c of a increase in my depression brought on bythis sense of not kowing what to do with my life. I just had to move and now I am feeling isolated. But it's just a transition, life is one big transition. Good luck and hang in there.

[shinkikker]

Ok, I talked to my mom today about what we should do. I told her I was suicidal (not the details about the thoughts of the knives... I haven't told anyone that except you guys) and we decided that tomorrow I will go to the emergency walk in service at the university's counseling place. I would have gone yesterday or today but it is closed on the weekends.

My question: If they know that I was suicidal over the weekend, will they force me to go to the hospital? Will the recommend that I go? Honestly, I think I need to go, which I will discuss with the therapist, but I want to know ahead of time what they will do if I was suicidal on Saturday night but not necessarily tomorrow when I go. I need someone to take care of my pet ferret, Sasha, if I am gone for a few days.

[tigerlily84]

I'm glad that you're going to see someone! I think you should be honest about everything when you go. You may not feel that way tomorrow, but you may again later on. I'm not sure if they'll recommend for you to go to the hospital right away or not, but I'm glad that you're at least open to the idea, if the suggestion is made. Is there any way your mom or perhaps a friend could take care of your ferret for you?

[whenwillitend]

i'm glad you're going to see someone tomorrow. they won't necessarily have you locked up if you were suicidal but are not anymore. but they might suggest it. they're the experts, i would do whatever they recommend. plus, you say yourself that you should be in hospital. if that's how you feel then that's what you should do. please be honest with them tomorrow.

i hope you can find someone to watch sasha for you. i have ferrets too, they are great animals.

[shinkikker]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

Is there any way your mom or perhaps a friend could take care of your ferret for you?

I talked to my boyfriend today and gave him a heads up, that I might need to go to the hospital again, and asked if he could take care of her. I trust him and he knows what to do to take care of her. I just feel a little bad because she is having diarrhea lately and I hate to leave her to him when she is sickly.

Originally Posted by whenwillitend

i'm glad you're going to see someone tomorrow. they won't necessarily have you locked up if you were suicidal but are not anymore. but they might suggest it. they're the experts, i would do whatever they recommend. plus, you say yourself that you should be in hospital. if that's how you feel then that's what you should do. please be honest with them tomorrow.

I think I can be honest with them tomorrow. It will be hard but I find it easier to be honest with people I am not personally attached to, like therapists and people on the internet. There isn't as much emotional backlash.

I'm thinking about packing a bag tonight with clothes and such in case I need to go to the hospital tomorrow. It makes me a little nervous, but if I am honest with myself, I know that I really need help right now and it is for the best if I tell the people tomorrow that I think I should go.

[whenwillitend]

I always have a little "hospital baggie" packed. it's just a cosmetics baggie filled with the essentials, travel sized. you know, toothbrush, toothpaste, lotion, shampoo, bodywash, deodorant, that kinda stuff. And ten day's worth of contacts. and whenever i feel i might end up in the hospital, i simply put it in my purse, and i'm good to go. no clothes, but for one, i have the one i'm wearing, and for two, they usually have clothes in the hospital. it's the hygiene thing and my contacts that i need. i hate the hygiene kits they give you in the hospital.

good luck tomororw, and i'm glad your boyfriend is willing to watch sasha for you.

[shinkikker]

Thanks a bunch. I honestly have no clue what is going to happen. I think I am going to pack a little bag with some clothes and my boyfriend can bring it if I do end up going... I am very particular about my clothes haha. I will really miss Sasha but I don't want to not get the help I need just because I will miss her...

[carebirdy]

Originally Posted by shinkikker

My question: If they know that I was suicidal over the weekend, will they force me to go to the hospital? Will the recommend that I go? Honestly, I think I need to go, which I will discuss with the therapist, but I want to know ahead of time what they will do if I was suicidal on Saturday night but not necessarily tomorrow when I go. I need someone to take care of my pet ferret, Sasha, if I am gone for a few days.

It's hard to say - some of it will be based on the judgement of the clinician seeing you, but usually they don't hospitalize if you aren't currently a threat to yourself or others. They will likely have you sign a "No Harm" contract which says, hey, I won't harm myself while I'm under going treatment. If you are very worried about Sasha maybe take a number of someone you can call about her care. You could also have someone on "stand-by" for her care. You don't have to tell them your exact situation, just that you may be away for a family emergency and have to leave suddenly, could you call them and would they take care of Sasha?
These little details can be sooooo hard when we are down. I know often I feel like I can't deal with the little things and when having to take a step back because of depression there are so many little things.
Good luck. I hope the visit to the health center is helpful

[shinkikker]

Originally Posted by carebirdy

It's hard to say - some of it will be based on the judgement of the clinician seeing you, but usually they don't hospitalize if you aren't currently a threat to yourself or others. They will likely have you sign a "No Harm" contract which says, hey, I won't harm myself while I'm under going treatment.

Will it have any influence if I tell them I do want to go to the hospital? If I think that I probably should? I am always one who, even if I know something is the right thing for me, needs permission to do it. I was kind of hoping they would tell me that I should go to the hospital because I think I need to : ( Does that make any sense?

[Anika.]

I would see what they say. Do you have bipolar? Sorry I cannot remember details but I have seen you around that forum. Bipolar is a bit different sometimes. I don't think people who are depressed, or bipolar esecially if in a mixed episode like agitated depression always make a thought out plan. Too often they just do it when the feelings become too overwhelming. Not only that if you have bipolar, being actively suicidal is not the only time when the hospital might be needed.

Looking through the kitchen knives, sounds like an impulse plan, which can be dangerous, many people act on inpulse in desperate times. I hope you go and talk with them. Glad you let your mom know too. A lot of times the feelings come, and may pass for a day or two, and come right back again.

Maybe a good idea to make arrangements for your ferret's ( ) care, just in case. If you do not end up going to the hospital then the arrangements can easily be cancelled. Good luck! Let us know how it goes. Just worry about what you need right now, nothing else matters as much in these moments.

Opps, I didn't see all the other posts after the first one about sasha, my browers fault.

[shinkikker]

Anika -- I am not diagnosed bipolar but I honestly don't know. I don't think that I have depression alone. I certainly experience times of highs and lows. I went into the kitchen and looked at the knives again today. I am truly scared of what I will do if I hit another low point. I don't know what's going on with me. I feel so disconnected.

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by shinkikker

Will it have any influence if I tell them I do want to go to the hospital? If I think that I probably should? I am always one who, even if I know something is the right thing for me, needs permission to do it. I was kind of hoping they would tell me that I should go to the hospital because I think I need to : ( Does that make any sense?

It really depends on who you see, local laws, and stuff. It makes sense what you say, about feeling like you need permission. However, they do not always say what we need to hear to enable ourselves to do what we need. So if you really feel like you need to be there, you might have to this once allow youself to ask or state what you need. I know that can be hard, but it's needed sometimes. I am like that too, only I will convince myself that I don't need what I know I need, so I don't have to deal with it.

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by shinkikker

Anika -- I am not diagnosed bipolar but I honestly don't know. I don't think that I have depression alone. I certainly experience times of highs and lows. I went into the kitchen and looked at the knives again today. I am truly scared of what I will do if I hit another low point. I don't know what's going on with me. I feel so disconnected.

All the more reason to go in and get help then. If you feel like it could be more than depression you need to let them know this. Also the knives, I hope you can tell them what you said here. Or print this out and hand it to them if saying it is too much k. Sometimes I choke up when my pdoc asks me tough questions about this, and can barely geet the words off my tounge. Even an outpatient group can be really helpful. But they can help you decide what the best option is. Just remember.. If you know what you need, be firm about asking for it.

If you are offered a safety contract and that feels like it will help, then good. If you don't feel like that will help, then let them know.

[shinkikker]

You are right, Anika. I need help : ( It is going to be hard to ask for it. I hope I can do it, too.

[Anika.]

aybe you should write some stuff down, you can either read it to them, or just give it to them, but you will be more prepared. I always forget important things I need to say.

Write down your symptoms. If it's depression, what kind of depression, what symptoms. I know when I am depressed my symtoms do differ than text book symptoms. Also write down the highs and how that goes. Sleep, anxiety, all that info will be a big help. And just breathe! Hang in there, you can do this! If it helps, pretend us people here at pc at there with you, cheering for you and sending you strength. We will be doing just that.

Do you pace? Wring your hands or anything like that, if so write it down as well too.

[shinkikker]

I made a list of my symptoms and am going to bring it to the health center today. I made sure to mention the knives and I think I am just going to give the list to the person and ask them to go over it with me so I don't lie about anything or forget anything. I am trying to think of what else I need to add, I feel like I am forgetting things but I don't know. : (

[Anika.]

((((shinkikker)))) got my fingers crossed for you today, sending you lots of positive energy! Good luck at your app, let us know how it goes if you can. Hopeing you will get what ever help you need.