[telb]

Give me some alcahole so i can feel.
so i can feel this pain that is hiding deep inside.
that grows with every passing day.
with me knowing but not feeling. i use it when needed.
when i feel is needed, u may use it whenever u feel.
i use it to punish myself or to inflict pain on others. it helps me to feel human. i am a man. u are no better then me!
If u dobt the power of my rage? Test me!
Im sure u got your own ball festering inside of you. we all have it. its just a matter whos is bigger.
im not saying mine is bigger than yours but at this moment mine is overflowing.
overflowing with HATE, slef hatred, Guilt, sorrow, ANGER, anxiety(when will this end??) who am i ??.why am i. where am i? do i have to live this life??!?!!
NO! overflowing with grife, Grandma u loved me sooooo much. u belived i was your father reincarnated and i put u threw soo much pain. im sorry u had to see me crying. im sorry i made u cry. im sorry i dident listen to you when u called me. im sorry i never called u back. im sorry i dont feel u gone in my life. im sorry i cant help my mother from drug abbuse and maybe a depper depression then ME!? i miss u somtiimes. i try not to think about it. IM SORRY! in fact i dont think of it. i cant belive ur gone. i never belived in all your mystical %#@&#!. i played along. but when i was in jail and u came and visited me. i told u i had a dream. a dream where u died. but when u died u moved next door. YOU SAID: everything will be allright.
we all knew u had your surgery coming up! double bypass...and u said everything will be Allright. why dident u take my dream as a sing if you belived in me and are mystical connection!>?!?!
u told gpa u wanted me out of jail instead of a headstone for your little boy that only lived 24 hrs. because he beat you! and u had him pre mature. Joesive you would tell me with such griefe the nights i spent with you ignoring your drunkin rants.
when we went to visit your grave last weekend Gpa said aloud he just wish he could of got the head stone before you left us. to make u happy. is it my fault?!?!
i dont feel u grandma. i dont miss u . i do but i dont. i loved u sooooo much. but why dont i miss u ?!?! im sorry idident make u happy. in fact i made u misserable. i made u misserable when i cryed in your arms. when i dident call u when i said i would. haha u told me no i wouldent and i promised i would.

dad die allredy so i wont feel the burden of not calling u. of putting u threw the same pain i put my gma threw. u have lupus. u tell me your dieing. i havent seen u in over 4 yrs. all u want is to see me. ur oldest son.
...sorry dad imn to scared of calling you.
scared ill sound stupid.
or wont have anything to say at all,
dad ur dieing and i swear my ball is 100x bigger then yours!. u dont belivwe me though.
yeah i know dad !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fathers day is cominhjg up will ni call? i havent made up my mind yet.
My mom..
my mom is to busy hidding from her pain to help. her mother gone. and her oldest son wishes for death.
She dont come and check on me. i tell her im not well and i need checking on every once in a while. last 4 days shes been upstairs smoking rock. i know shes only hiding from her pain as much as i am tho. i cant hold it against her. Everyone has there pain they hide from but it is allways there.
just dont give a %#@&#! ne more. im telling u i will win. but im sure u think the same.
IM TELLING U I WILL WIN!
i feel the pain. IS THIS WHAT I WANTED?
no!! i could go on and on.
no more please!
i need distraction tell tomorrow night when i have to face this %#@&#! again
sorry for wastin your time . this started out as a poem. but i couldent help myself. im drunk.
ill be safe for tonight. my plan was to cut . im to drunk .
feel my pain. \\\
a trapped mind.
-telb

[telb]

post is not direct towards anyone here.
i wrote after this guy been stayin at my house last couple days called me out. i dont know if i was hearing things but im pretty sure he told me he would beat my ***** .

[wisewoman]

You have so much pain inside. You are numbing. You know that there is help when and if you want it and we can support you. You need to feel you are worth supporting and getting help. Please try to see a professional.

[tita]

Telb.
I felt ur post. it touched me cause it sounds like what I been thru except for I'm a girl and I dion't mess with nothing (I'm clean for 14 years)
I had to be in the hospital no amount of numbing can help after a while,My issues had to bewith professionally.
I wish You good luck

[(JD)]

I hear you. Please take care of yourself.