Do I have borderline personality disorder?

I am going through a very difficult time coping with the loss of my girlfriend who recently left me for another guy.

I've decided to see a therapist to help me get through the post breakup and extreme depression and loneliness. While describing what my girlfriend and I have been through over the past 4 years he mentioned borderline personality disorder and he was referring to her, not me.

But here is the question: Who really has BPD, her or me?
She has been tested and rendered with BPD but I still question the diagnosis and here is why: NOBODY sees this in her. Just me.
Around anyone who knows her says that she comes across as a very fun, kind, sweet, and caring 30 year girl. But around me she will yell and scream and get EXTREMELY IRATE about issues that I would consider minor. For example, she was standing next to a lamp and I politely said to her "can you please turn on the lamp". She immediately replies "why? this is YOUR apartment. Why don't YOU get up and turn on the lamp." 5 minutes before this response we were getting along great.
This is just one of many exchanges that we've had and I'm trying to describe her tone the best I can.

But again, it's only around me. I don't see how BPD is accurate if this kind of mania is only driven by something I have caused. I have never seen this kind of behavior from her around her friends and NONE of her friends have seen this in her either and they see her daily.

I have made many attempts in the past to break up with her but she begged to come back and so we stayed together. She lived with me and had nowhere else to go so now I'm really hurt thinking about this because maybe the only reason she stayed with me was because she had nowhere else to go.

But if her or I have some kind of mental illness I consider these things just as serious as cancer. I simply don't want to disconnect with someone who is ill and I am willing to do everything necessary to fix our relationship and work toward becoming happier people. She simply does not. She has moved out and totally disconnected from me. Blocked my phone number, blocked my email address and everything else. Every single one of her friends have also disconnected with me. Most of my personal friends are now gone, married with kids, moved out of state or just are not around anymore so I'm pretty much alone.

So here is my ex-girlfriend that has a rather large network of friends and me with almost no friends. I have had to disconnect with some old friends to make her happy. Most of my female friends are all gone.
And what does this say about my character if I'm the one being disconnected?

I went into further details with my therapist and he keeps coming back to the BPD thing. I'm not sure if I agree with this. Maybe I'm the cancer in her life if she is not this way around other people?

You did not make your ex-girlfriend bipolar. Someone with bipolar disorder has some imbalances. You were probably a safe place for her to act out. We tend to be on our worst behavior around those we trust. We rely on the fact they are close and won't leave us reagardless of how we behave. With bipolars, its not that simple, but I think it does play into things.

I suppose you might have enabled her, at worst, but you didn't cause her problem. For all you know, she may come back to you if this new realtionship falls through.

Be careful trying to diagnose yourself. Symptoms of one disease or problem may overlap with those from another condition. A common thing in medical school, or so I hear, is that many students begin to believe they have what ever disease they are studying. They see some of the symptoms in themselves and take it from there.

In some of your post, it sounds like you allowed her to have control over you. Dropping your friends because your girlfriend asks you to gives her some control over your life, and insures that you will have more time for her. If you have been in a healthy relationship, you know that whoever you are in the relationship with does not try to isolate you. They may get jealous of friends of the opposite sex, or not like you disappearing every evening for "boys night out", but that isn't the same as what your ex was doing.

If you feel like you are having problems, find someone who can help you work through these feelings. If you still have an emotional attachment to your ex, find out what you can about her problem, so if she does approach you again, you will be better equiped to handle it.

Good luck,
Sam2

"I am going through a very difficult time coping with the loss of my girlfriend who recently left me for another guy."

***Sorry about what you are going through.

"I've decided to see a therapist to help me get through the post breakup and extreme depression and loneliness. While describing what my girlfriend and I have been through over the past 4 years he mentioned borderline personality disorder and he was referring to her, not me."

***That's a good decision you took, to see a therapist. The pain will hopefully come to pass soon. Breaking up/heart break can be depressing.

"But here is the question: Who really has BPD, her or me?
She has been tested and rendered with BPD but I still question the diagnosis and here is why: NOBODY sees this in her. Just me.
Around anyone who knows her says that she comes across as a very fun, kind, sweet, and caring 30 year girl. But around me she will yell and scream and get EXTREMELY IRATE about issues that I would consider minor. For example, she was standing next to a lamp and I politely said to her "can you please turn on the lamp". She immediately replies "why? this is YOUR apartment. Why don't YOU get up and turn on the lamp." 5 minutes before this response we were getting along great.
This is just one of many exchanges that we've had and I'm trying to describe her tone the best I can."

***I lived with someone who had psychosis. At the time, no one believed me except our neighbors because he could be pretty normal sometimes around people. It took me going through months of abuse and him getting into trouble a few times before he was forced hospitalized and diagnosed. If you think she used to act somewhat, then she probably is somewhat. After all, you lived with her.
If it worries you that you may have BPD or some disorder, see a psychriatist.

"But again, it's only around me. I don't see how BPD is accurate if this kind of mania is only driven by something I have caused. I have never seen this kind of behavior from her around her friends and NONE of her friends have seen this in her either and they see her daily."

***She was probably most comfortable around you. Let's down her guard.

"I have made many attempts in the past to break up with her but she begged to come back and so we stayed together. She lived with me and had nowhere else to go so now I'm really hurt thinking about this because maybe the only reason she stayed with me was because she had nowhere else to go."

***You were her comfort zone.

"But if her or I have some kind of mental illness I consider these things just as serious as cancer. I simply don't want to disconnect with someone who is ill and I am willing to do everything necessary to fix our relationship and work toward becoming happier people. She simply does not. She has moved out and totally disconnected from me. Blocked my phone number, blocked my email address and everything else. Every single one of her friends have also disconnected with me. Most of my personal friends are now gone, married with kids, moved out of state or just are not around anymore so I'm pretty much alone."

***It was her decision to leave. Do not feel guilty about it. You are most definitely right, mental illness IS serious. You have to be well equipped mentally, physically and financially to deal with it.
Reach out to old friends. Make new ones. Indulge in activities you love. Work with your therapist. Be patient, time heals all wounds. And if you and her are meant to be, she will come back to you.

"So here is my ex-girlfriend that has a rather large network of friends and me with almost no friends. I have had to disconnect with some old friends to make her happy. Most of my female friends are all gone.
And what does this say about my character if I'm the one being disconnected?"

***I don't think it says anything about your character. At least nothing negative. Many of us tend to disconnect from friends when we have that special one, when we are in love.
Her friends are her friends, remember. Friends tend to be that way sometimes. They'd rather stick to 'their own'. In this case her. They met you through her. To them, it is a sign of loyalty, nothing, nothing more.

"I went into further details with my therapist and he keeps coming back to the BPD thing. I'm not sure if I agree with this. Maybe I'm the cancer in her life if she is not this way around other people?"

***Don't be so hard on yourself. It's normal to feel that way after a break up, to feel guilty. Why worry over something you are not certain of? And no one has said that to you?
Be good to you and make use of your alone time. Best wishes.

we have no way of diagnosing you here
besides, this is the depression forum

[quote=Sam2;2684338]You did not make your ex-girlfriend bipolar. Someone with bipolar disorder has some imbalances. You were probably a safe place for her to act out. We tend to be on our worst behavior around those we trust. We rely on the fact they are close and won't leave us reagardless of how we behave. With bipolars, its not that simple, but I think it does play into things.

He said borderline personality disorder--that is completely different than bipolar/

I will continue working with my therapist on what really is my issue. I realize now that I have a huge fear or rejection and a huge fear of being alone.

My ex girlfriend has taken tests and been diagnosed with BPD but I find it very hard to believe that she has this disorder when I'm literally the only person on earth that can see these characteristics in her.

offbalance,

As someone who has BPD, I doubt you have BPD. It sounds more likely that your girlfriend may have it, but I don't know the whole situation, so don't take my opinion as gospel truth. One thing that people with BPD are really good at is manipulation, which she may be doing when around others so they do not suspect that she has a problem. Very few people know my true nature either. I only let myself go around people I am very comfortable with.

I would perhaps suggest to her to see someone for therapy if you are having relationship issues with her. Perhaps frame it in a way where you are concerned for the relationship, and not for her mental status. I hope that makes sense.

One of the characteristics of BPD is they they tend to be "cameleons" (not sure if I spelled that rite) and do a lot of personality changing to suit their situation. I had a friend who has that and I was very shocked because she seemed so sweet! Besides, how do you know that no one else has ever seen the side of her that you do? Maybe some of the people you've asked haven't seen it--but I seriously doubt that you have asked every single person that she has ever come into contact with in her entire life! Besides, why are you even considered about this since she is no longer your girlfriend?