How can I get a loved one out of depression?

My hubby is able to hold conversations sometimes, laughs sometimes and can do what he has to do to get by. He isn't working at the moment. Lost his job a year ago. It's been difficult for us because I have pretty much taken care of the finances and our home. He had an addiction problem which he has successfully scaled through.
Since getting out of rehab in June, things haven't been easy for him. He has been struggling to get back on his feet. He wants to get a new business running but it's proving difficult getting the capital to start it.
In the meantime, he goes out a few times a week to see his parents & a few bankers. Other than that, he only gets out of bed to eat. Then goes right back to bed.
It's been all too much for me, and still is. He is somewhat withdrawn, does not communicate, seems self centered, does no house chores, does not show affection, sex life is somewhat nil, etc. I'm getting frustrated.
I initially boiled it down to him being very lazy and comfortable with me doing everything. I started confronting him and it all just turns ugly after every confrontation. With him saying things like I should be glad I have a man at home! I too tell him I don't need a bum, but a man! It's all weighing me down! In one year, I have dealt with a spouse with an addiction problem, losing a pregnancy, and now this...
It just occurred to me that he may be suffering depression. I asked him to talk to a doctor and he has outrightly refused. I have asked him to go walking with me (I walk 3 times a week as a form of exercise), he has refused that as well. Everything I suggest, he simply throws away. Claiming when his business starts and he starts making money, he will find things to do. Meanwhile, he just sleeps and eats while I do everything and worry about him too. How can someone sleep or be in bed for 15, sometimes 20 hours a day for over a year?
Is this normal with depression? A lack of motivation? How can I get him to do things we used to do together? How can I get him motivated? How can I be his friend when I've got so much on my plate? Can this marriage work?
What and how would you want your partner to deal with your depression?

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. Yes, this is normal for a person with depression. It's very frustrating for YOU because you can't get him to do anything -- especially anything that is good for him.

There really isn't much you can do if he flat-out refuses help. What he needs is therapy -- he needs to see either a psychiatrist or psychologist to deal with this awful depression that he's suffering. Depression is a terrible condition, and it affects every aspect of his life -- and yours. It also affects the whole family!

I suppose you can threaten him, but that will probably make him dig his heels in every deeper and continue to refuse help.

Perhaps if you offered to go with him for couples counseling, he might go. That's worth a try anyway. Then when he sees how "off the wall" he's become, he might agree to individual counseling after awhile. Ask him and see -- who knows, he might agree.

Otherwise, I really don't know. If he won't see the doctor, then he may not agree to anything but this might work. Give it a try -- you both could use some counseling so maybe couples therapy would work. I wish you the very best. Please let us know what happens, ok? We DO care!! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you Leed.

One time we had a confrontation, I was so upset & fed up that I simply asked for a divorce. He said fine and he was going to grant it. I had to confront him about that & he said "well, you asked for it". We ended up not talking for a month (that has never happened since we got married 3 yrs ago). That said, a threat isnt likely to work.

I will suggest the couple counseling & hope he agrees to go. I can't afford to lose my sanity from built up anger. Sure, I too need a psychologist. I think I'm becoming depressed too. From dealing with a spouse with psychosis from drug addiction, forced hospitalization and now depression. When is it all going to end?

Is it possible for someone to be in depression and be in denial about it?

Hello & Welcome, Queen.A!
Yes.

Here are a few initial resources; you may already be acquainted with some of this material:
10 Ways to Help Someone with Depression PsychCentral/NIMH
4 Ways to Support Someone With Depression by Therese J. Borchard, PsychCentral
PsychCentral Caregivers Support Forum

It takes a strong person to endure these things and you even being able to sympathize with his condition to the point of powering through the hard times - I seriously bow down to you. Caregivers don't always get affirmations, but should.

From someone who suffers from it, and exhibited/exhibits very similar behavior as your husband, here is how I feel and hopefully if anything it can give you insight.

I feel so guilty about not pulling my weight. It is like my thoughts overcome me, and then I feel the physical effects from that activity. It feels like I've run a marathon in my mind. Sometimes all I can muster during a depressive episode is getting out of bed and eating something substantial. Taking a shower and brushing my teeth feels like moving a mountain. What makes me feel "valid" sometimes is knowing that I would never choose to be this way. I don't want to be this way. I want to WANT to shower, do something I enjoy and earn money, be able to help others less fortunate. Nobody wants to feel like they are worthless. But my brain tells me I am. When I'm not depressed, I don't feel worthless. I may not have the best self-esteem in the world, but I don't feel useless or worthless.

I imagine he lives with massive guilt every day, as do I, that he isn't "pulling his weight" and feels like a total failure. The symptoms of depression contribute to further depression. Vicious cycle. And if one has to be hospitalized, or even when one comes to the realization that they do have depression and need help, it's depressing and for some reason, adds to feelings of helplessness and feeling powerless. And to answer your question, absolutely one can be in denial about depression. Pride and denial go hand in hand.

I don't have any idea how I would expect my husband to handle everything alone if I refused to seek help. It took me ending up in a hospital (and you said you had already been down that road) for me to realize what my depression was doing to both of us.

At this point, he has to see a therapist, at minimum and if that isn't enough, a psychiatrist. I agree that if you are in therapy together since you can ask him questions and get his answers in front of someone you're paying to be unbiased and help you both, is ideal. Also, he may be able to learn to trust his therapist once he finds one that he clicks with, which is so important in recovery. A therapist may also be able to discuss psychiatry if it comes to medication being part of his treatment plan. It also helped to hear someone say that medication may not always be necessary, and I don't necessarily have to take it forever. It just depends on what's ahead and how I deal with it.

I hope this helped, and hope you have a good rest of the day. <3

hi. Just from my experience ... When I was in real bad shape up until a few weeks ago, I was so afraid and totally convinced that my hubby was fed up with my worthless self - actually he was very concerned (as you appear to be) and he was probably quite frustrated, too. When I first went to my doctor for help, he did a blood test to see if my thyroid levels were OK. He said that there are many things that can cause depression - and depression involves an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Medications just work on getting those levels where they need to be. It does take a long time for the meds to work. (I've been on them a few months now & I still have some bad days.) Therapy helps you learn how to live with yourself. Maybe try a web search for the Storied Mind website - he and his wife wrote a book on how they got through depression together as a couple. I hope things get better for you both.

I'd like to add something, I think I would approach him, tenderly, and ask him if he'd like to feel joy in his life. He's gotta know he is missing joy. Life is hard, very hard, but there are still parts of it that are gratifying and pleasurable. Tell him you want to experience "his" joy, again.
When I was depressed I pretended that I wasn't but I still longed for it. I knew I wasn't "happy", I tolerated life. After 4 months I had a break through. BTW, no medication, I just trusted in the Lord to walk me through the storm. One day I felt an easing of darkness, a bit of light peaked through. It wasn't "huge" it was a peak, an easing. Then more time passed and the darkness faded more and more. It has been 2 years and I am so much better. Work helped keep my mind off of my worries, maybe he can start a project, something challenging but not overwhelming. Gardening would probably be gratifying.
I'll pray for ya'll.