[dogzrule]

Firstly, I am new to this. I have never posted in a forum, much less one dealing with what I have to write. But I feel that I have nowhere else to turn to.

I have never really thought out my life in the past 10 years until just recently. I feel a lot of times like I am crazy and and outsider compared to everyone else I know. I can't understand how people can just be blissful and carefree because I haven't been that way since I was 15 and now I am 25. In an attempt to be as brief as possible, I will summarize the past 10 years of my life and how I feel about it. I really appreciate any help or advice anyone can offer.

I remember the first time my dad told me I was fat when I was 15, my grandmother said it shortly after. I really don't think I was (I was probably like 130 pounds at 5'6). It was no coincidence that I had sex for the first time that same year. The next year, I witnessed a friend's father die in a rafting accident. I was on the same raft as him and I still feel guilty for him drowning and me not. A couple years later I had sex with someone without my choosing. I got high a lot senior year in high school trying to forget that and I would sometimes cut myself.

During my undergraduate degree, I had the best relationship I've ever had (3 1/2 years), but that ended when I decided to go to graduate school 700 miles away. Once I started grad school I slept with lots of different guys, another one during this time not my choosing. I drank all the time. I always did my schoolwork, but weekends were for binge drinking.

At the end of my 3 years working on my two master's degrees, I started dating someone. Three months into the relationship, after him saying "I love you", I found out he cheated on me. I also started seriously doubting the career path I was headed down (which was unrelated to the cheating, but had been developing during that relationship). I virtually stopped eating, save for not passing out, and I binge drank more nights during the week than not.

After graduation, I got a full-time job that is great, but not doing what I went to school for. I feel like a complete and utter failure (not to mention I'm over $70,000 in debt for something I am not currently pursuing as a career path). I am dating a man now, who I think is great, but I know my insecurities get in the way. I feel that I am never good enough for him, never pretty enough, never nice enough, never do enough for him in the bedroom. Aside from how I feel about myself, I don't know how I am supposed to trust him, even though I've told him about my last ex-boyfriend and he understands my concerns. He says he would never cheat on me and I believe it when he tells me, yet I'm always concerned about it.

I've completely given up hope that I have much of anything to offer anyone. I am fine at work and no one knows anything is wrong, nor do my friends, but sometimes I come home and I completely lose it. I will sit and worry and cry for hours. Any time I try and explain this to my boyfriend, he doesn't really understand and he says I worry too much. I either feel depressed or apathetic, and I'm not really sure which is worse. I suppose the apathy and feeling of nothingness beats the feeling of hating myself and my life.

[Raindropvampire]

That's a lot to go through. If you have not received counseling/therapy please go now. You are worth having hope. You have just gotten so overwhelmed and beat down by circumstances and others that you've lost sight of that. But you are worthwhile. You are worth something. I know it's very hard to talk about some things especially in person but a therapist could really help put this all in perspective for you. Give yourself a chance at hope.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by dogzrule

Firstly, I am new to this. I have never posted in a forum, much less one dealing with what I have to write. But I feel that I have nowhere else to turn to.

I have never really thought out my life in the past 10 years until just recently. I feel a lot of times like I am crazy and and outsider compared to everyone else I know. I can't understand how people can just be blissful and carefree because I haven't been that way since I was 15 and now I am 25. In an attempt to be as brief as possible, I will summarize the past 10 years of my life and how I feel about it. I really appreciate any help or advice anyone can offer.

I remember the first time my dad told me I was fat when I was 15, my grandmother said it shortly after. I really don't think I was (I was probably like 130 pounds at 5'6). It was no coincidence that I had sex for the first time that same year. The next year, I witnessed a friend's father die in a rafting accident. I was on the same raft as him and I still feel guilty for him drowning and me not. A couple years later I had sex with someone without my choosing. I got high a lot senior year in high school trying to forget that and I would sometimes cut myself.

During my undergraduate degree, I had the best relationship I've ever had (3 1/2 years), but that ended when I decided to go to graduate school 700 miles away. Once I started grad school I slept with lots of different guys, another one during this time not my choosing. I drank all the time. I always did my schoolwork, but weekends were for binge drinking.

At the end of my 3 years working on my two master's degrees, I started dating someone. Three months into the relationship, after him saying "I love you", I found out he cheated on me. I also started seriously doubting the career path I was headed down (which was unrelated to the cheating, but had been developing during that relationship). I virtually stopped eating, save for not passing out, and I binge drank more nights during the week than not.

After graduation, I got a full-time job that is great, but not doing what I went to school for. I feel like a complete and utter failure (not to mention I'm over $70,000 in debt for something I am not currently pursuing as a career path). I am dating a man now, who I think is great, but I know my insecurities get in the way. I feel that I am never good enough for him, never pretty enough, never nice enough, never do enough for him in the bedroom. Aside from how I feel about myself, I don't know how I am supposed to trust him, even though I've told him about my last ex-boyfriend and he understands my concerns. He says he would never cheat on me and I believe it when he tells me, yet I'm always concerned about it.

I've completely given up hope that I have much of anything to offer anyone. I am fine at work and no one knows anything is wrong, nor do my friends, but sometimes I come home and I completely lose it. I will sit and worry and cry for hours. Any time I try and explain this to my boyfriend, he doesn't really understand and he says I worry too much. I either feel depressed or apathetic, and I'm not really sure which is worse. I suppose the apathy and feeling of nothingness beats the feeling of hating myself and my life.

Raindropvampire has a good point about you seeking help. You are in a place right now that could get worse. Believe it or not, 25 is still very young and you have many years ahead of you. They could be good years, but you may need to work at it.

I'm concerned that you are cutting yourself. Not only can that lead to more serious self harming behavior, but you will be left with scars that you don't want.

You seem to be getting into one bad relationship after another. For many people, that becomes a trap. You don't feel like you deserve any better, so you settle for something less, even after you start feeling like something isn't right. I can understand you wanting to have someone special in your life, but this may not be the time. Its hard to form a healthy relationship when you feel hatred for yourself.

Please get to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Obviously you know that you are in some trouble, or you would not have posted here. You don't want to look back ten years from now and realize that you could have sought help and gone forward with your life.

Sam2

[dogzrule]

I have thought about getting help, the problem is now being able to afford it. I wouldn't even know where to go, but I can't imagine that it is affordable to me right now.