[Shirl]

I am older than most of you here in my sixties and have done a lot of work on myself. And a lot of therapy. I am the youngest of 4 in our family and you typical dysfunctional mess. Alcoholic family and abussive in every way.My mother who is 90 years old is still fighting with a man and kicks him out periodically but she is afraid to be alone so takes him back. I never married or had children cause I kknew I was too emotionally ill to do either. I have had two strokes and have all kinds of health problems due to the worseneing dysfunction in our family. I am angry all the time and feel nothing but rage with age. The worst of it is how it affects your health when you get older. I just recently found this site and am interested in hearing about others. I was a hairdresser for 39 years and beleive me have been their shrink for all of those years. They told me things they wouldt tell their shrink....just wish I would have gotten the bucks they got...lol. So this is my first post and would love to hear from others. For you younger ones out there beleive me you can handle more than you realize. Take care.

Shirl

[shezbut]

(((Shirl)))

You're right, I'm not quite your age. But I'm no spring chicken either ~ at 42 years. I've been in therapy (with many different T's) for over 30 years now. Yeah ~ my family is pretty sick too. I fight self-hate, major depression, BPD, DD-nos, and PTSD.

The title of your post caught my eye, as it took many years for this fact to sink into my head. I wish that I could feel angry towards my abusers. I can bring up some pretty deep resentment towards my mom (for letting a lot of things occur), but that's about it. To ease my pain somewhat, I did stop all contact with my family a couple of years ago. I told them to just leave me alone until I contact them ~ everyone! It worked pretty well up until this past week, as my birthday came. For whatever reason, they sent a card and my mom called the morning of my birthday.

Ever since, horrible nightmares are back again. Every time I see or talk with any family members, I start having horrific nightmares that wake me all night long. Night after night! Same theme: my mom has everyone on her side & everyone else goes before me.

Gentle hugs to you ~ I hope that you find the comfort and reassurance here on PC. Best wishes to you!

[Leed]

Hello Shirl ! I'm about your age - I'm 63 and have been here awhile. You're right that depression is anger turned inward.

While I've worked alot oon my anger issues, I still suffer from depression. I have clinical depression, so the hormones & other stuff in my brain don't work properly and I have to be medicated for the rest of my life. In fact I've been medicated for about 40 years! I was also in therapy for many years too.

I still carry a resentment against my abuser, and I'm sure I always will. It's more like rage. I'd like to get rid of it, and I pray to God to allow me to forgive. At times I think I have, and at others, I know I haven't. I have more work to do on that. I HAVE to forgive -- not for the abuser, but for ME.

I'm glad you posted, Shirl and I'd like to WELCOME you here. I hope we hear more from you too! So keep posting, okay? I'm sure you'll be a great addition to this site. God bless and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee