[gon3withth3wend]

I hesitate to post in this forum, for I have never formally been diagnosed with depression. However, I suspect I may have been if I had ever gone to the right people or if I had been more honest with my T. I have never talked to my regular doctor or to a psychiatrist, only to natural medicine doctors and counselors/psychologists to avoid meds. Anyhow...

Last school year I was in a terrible place emotionally. I'd been struggling emotionally during the previous year, and changed schools partially because I thought my school was the problem, and partially because I figured that if I didn't go to school with them, the few friends I did have wouldn't feel as bad if I killed myself. MY junior year (last year), all of my thoughts revolved around suicide and I stopped doing my school work because I was planning suicide before the end of the year. Getting out of bed was a struggle and I wouldn't shower for days. I never even attempted suicide because I realized my plan was faulty, and I regretted that decision until about halfway through the summer, when through a series of events, I started to turn around.

Now, I don't normally feel that same sadness anymore as constantly. I kind of miss it. I feel incomplete and unjustified and mostly just strange. I'm always very sad, so why don't I feel that way? I'm not happy, I'm just not sad. I sometimes get close to that feeling, but only for a few hours, or two days at the most. I started self-harming a lot more earlier this year, mostly during those times that I felt bad or stressed out, but I haven't done it in two or three weeks. The strange thing about now is that I have lost most interest in things I've always liked to do. I never really had this problem even when I was at my lowest. I've always loved shopping and music. But I have not had the desire to shop, and the last few times I've been at the mall, I felt very irritable. I just wanted to go home and lay in bed. I haven't left the house all weekend, and I've hardly left my bed. I haven't touched the piano in about a month, and my teacher might kick me out of her studio (meaning she'll refuse to give me lessons). I don't know how to describe this sudden loss in interest and laziness because I don't feel as bad as I used to feel.

[truth seeker]

thank you for sharing this. i have felt this way especially when i was your age. i call this feeling "comfortably numb" named after the pink floyd song. for me i use this feeling to realize that i have no reason to feel like that. i think with depression we live with it so long that we can't see any other way of being. it becomes all most like a freind or like a warm blanket. so the trick is to get used to feeling good, not always an easy thing i know. sorry i cant help more , just wanted to let you know your not alone. many songs have featured this feeling like the one mentioned above any smashing pumpkins "i'm in love with my sadness" and nirvana "i miss the comfort of being sad"

[Rohag]

Hello, Gon3withth3wend!

It's easy to miss what has been familiar, even sadness. And sometimes feeling nothing is worse than feeling something, even an unhappy something.

Is there anyone in your world with whom you think you could be totally open with how you have been feeling?

[awebb198488]

Have you spoken to a physician or therapist about these feelings? You mentioned feeling irritable and losing interest in activities you used to enjoy (shopping, playing the piano). Those can be signs of depression. I am not a doctor and certainly not qualified to make any type of diagnosis. My best suggestion would be to see a doctor and talk to him/her about your symptoms. Either way, I hope things get better for you.