Just let me develop a Napoleon Complex so I can get this over with already

... because I have very low self-esteem, a ton of triggerable self-doubts, and social phobias. At least I now understand where much of it comes from. I am so glad I sought therapy.

I live inside a shell of negative self-perceptions and stubbornly resistant assumptions. It seems to have formed after negative social experiences such as bullying, invalidation and rejection, and the ways I tried to deal with these experiences - people appeasing, backing down, playing it too safe, to name a few.

I do believe it is killing me slowly. I just want to shatter the ---- shell. I feel like a star about to go supernova and outshine its own galaxy, but some inner force seeks to compress it inwards to a depressing black hole, so the opposing forces simply cancel each other out. Nothing happens. I do not permit it!! I am becoming nothing more than a shell with a soundlessly shrieking, empty void inside of it.

I need to believe in myself and stand up for the person I wish to be, just for once. It isn't just for me, it's for others, too. I want to be free. I want to feel real. ---- this.

You WILL get there. Therapy is great. I was in therapy most of my adult life, off and on. Finally I found a therapy who I really "clicked" with, and she instilled the POWER in me to be ABLE to stand up for myself, to stop laying on the floor so people would walk all over be, to stop being used all the time, to stop backing down, etc. She was incredible!

Now I feel I'm the person I was intended to be. I'm not a bully, I'm not meek, I'm just "me." I try to be kind, but not to the point of being used. If I'm taken advantage of, the people responsible for it take care of it! If I see others being hurt, I stand up for them too. Years ago, I could never do any of these things, but thanks to my therapist I now can!

And therapy will help you too! It doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen! I wish you the very best. Please keep us informed of your progress, will you? I'd really like to know! God bless and please take care! Hugs, Lee

A profound description of a terrible reality.
May your shell shatter and peace fill the void.

Thanks for your responses, everyone. I was having a really low moment when I wrote this, but today I am doing better. I see the shell has cracks in it now.

I am glad you feel better now.It does good to express one's feelings when one is feeling low.I too have been there Would you like to read my story?Here it is http://jeeteraho.blogspot.in/2010/12/mouse-in-trap.html

((((Huggles))))

Know that you are loved and cared for. You matter. I believe in you and your ability to learn new healthier coping skills. I believe in your strength to shatter that restrictive shell. If you need more rocks let me know, I can slip them in between the cracks.

~Shady