Avoidance

I just joined PC a little bit ago, and have sort of been putting off or "avoiding" coming to the Depression forum area. This the hardest piece of my struggles that I have, and have always had problems opening up about it for the purpose of healing.

Depression has just about consumed my life in every way, somehow or another, and now mixed with growing social anxiety problems is morphing into something stranger or worse... I can't muster leaving the house unless it's to "go along for the ride" with someone, just to get some different scenery, fresh air.

I have hobbies, but I never do them. I feel like I can "never" relax (I was just laid off from a job that mentally drained and destroyed, while also going to school full time-that is now over too), and then when I do relax, I just sleep, or watch movies. I used to write, play video games, be a musician, make art... Now, I might get into those things for one or two days, feel a brief second of joy like I used to, and the next day wake up and completely forget about it.

I feel so afraid of myself, what will happen to me, where I'll be in the future. Depression slowly crept its way into everything...I thought I would be someone else so different and at least successful in my own mind, satisfaction... It has driven me to the edge so many times, to the point of contemplating suicide spontaneously, where I feel like I'm literally losing my mind, a wild animal and dying. I get so scared about supporting myself, while

I'm looking for reliable jobs right now and am horrified by all of them because anything I qualify for and is actually reliable requires working with people. I can't do that anymore - wearing masks has become unbearable. I lie to my family and friends with excuses as to why I can't visit or hangout. I fear often that I will end up as an inpatient just because I feel like I can't handle it along with my other problems, and that I'll lose everything, never having the slightest chance to do what I'd like to with my life. I've come to a point where I'm tip-toeing around myself.

I don't even know what I hope to get out of this post. I'm just lost.

Are you on medication? I hate the meds - they make me feel nothing at all most of the time. I finally came to the realization that I'd rather have no feelings and function than not be able to do *anything*. I work in a job that requires tons of human interaction...it's very, very tough. The meds do help that, though. If you're not on any, you might want to look into it.

-D

(((Red))) I can relate to that lost feeling. I had to withdraw from school and cancel a trip I had planned on going on because of my depression and anxiety. I hope you can find some suitable treatment.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I can relate to the depression, anxiety and sense of hopelessness.

Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? You're NOT alone - there is help out there!

I only see a therapist for medchecks, and even then, I absolutely hate going. It's not that my therapist isn't good... I just hate opening up. I feel so terrible afterward, like I'm giving away all of my secrets, or that I'm weak for not being able to shut up about it or fix it myself.

Even when I do need to bring something up for the sake of accurate diagnoses of the severity of situations and such, I'm so used to wearing masks, I think, that I never portray how severe things actually are. Luckily, my boyfriend is very supportive, and is nice enough to go with me if I ask him to. It wasn't until he started to that I started to get more of the help I need, because he's able to describe the levels of certain things far better as a second party. We live together, so he more than knows.

As far as meds go, I also get frustrated going for that, because it's complicated in that I have some kind of mood disorder, borderline bipolar (but not), in that I will suddenly switch to being extremely angry-feeling for no reason. I'm not bipolar, as depression meds don't throw me into a mania of any sort, but with this in mind, I've also not been able to find a really effective depression med, ever, as I have the mood issue to take into account too (with anxiety linked to my depression). I take some meds that level me out, make me functional, make me feel better but as far as well-controlled depression, it's not in the least. Still, so far it's the best I have.