[halfbaked75]

I am pregnant and I have been struggling with anxiety and depression all of my life. It has been far worse since I've been pregnant-I spent a night in the hospital at 6 weeks with severe, nearly constant panic attacks. I also have a 3 1/2 year old son who is in ABA therapy and who we are trying to get assessed for autism. This diagnosis (which we are almost certain of based on feedback from his preschool, his therapist, and my knowledge of psychology w/ an advanced degree) has pretty much put me over the edge.

I can't cope with my son being autistic, and I can't cope with the potential for this next child to also be autistic, of which there is a significant chance. I met with his school on Friday and they told me he isn't welcome back next year. Since then I have been in a spiral. There is nothing that I can tell myself or hear from anyone else that will make it okay in any shape or form. I find I am alienated/distancing from my son, both because of my lack of interest in doing things, my withdrawal bc of depression, the pain when I see the symptoms of autism, and because he strongly favors my husband.

I'm terrified of having this new baby and managing taking care of him and my existing son, even if the new baby is neurotypical. The strong likelihood of my son getting this diagnosis literally feels like the end of my world. Like I said, it feels like there's nothing redeemable. Yes, I will still love my son, yes, he is not severely autistic. Yes, he is still wonderful. But an autism diagnosis is huge, obviously-and this is very, very new for us. It was just 4 months ago that we started to believe that something was wrong, and less than a month that I truly believed it was autism.

I can barely eat or sleep. My mind is racing a million miles a minute. I'm pacing the floor, crying hysterically at the drop of a hat. I recognize my cognitive distortions and I am trying to do CBT work with myself but it's not helping. I don't want to do anything, nothing that I enjoy. Nothing has any meaning anymore. I think about terminating this pregnancy, divorcing my husband, running away...part of my mind knows all of that is completely out there, but it doesn't make it any less real. When my son is at school I'm supposed to be relaxing, but I'm super tense the whole time, worried, crying, a mess. I can't stay off of Google, looking at things about autism, looking at things about depression. It's compulsive. I'm trying to find something to make myself feel better but it's not working. I "know" our lives will go on, but I'm just in this acute grief, so sad for my son, sad for us and what we wanted to experience as parents that I think was stolen from us.

The night before last I woke my husband up at 2:30 am, sobbing and pacing, telling him I wanted to go to the psych hospital. The last time I was at the hospital I was put on Remeron, which does help me sleep for a least a couple of hours a night and has helped me to function-barely. But I'm obsessed that the antidepressants caused my first son's autism (I was on prozac while pregnant) and that I am dooming this one too). My thoughts are irrational.

I'm going to try to re-start intensive outpatient treatment tomorrow. I don't know how to make it through the day, even through the hour. I have to take care of my son, but all I want to do is stare at the tv and escape.

Please just say something. That you understand how I feel because you've been there. How you have made it through when it feels like you can't live through the day. I can't think of a lifetime of this. I know I'm a terrible mom, but my son is driving me crazy and our time together is not pleasant, for some reason it's worse too when my husband is around.

[optimize990h]

I have had moments similar to what you describe, but I was not pregnant. You are not alone. When I get anxious, I feel like the insides of my head is vibrating so fast that words become just a physical reaction. I do not know if your local crisis line will help, but you should have a phone number for it(the crisis line)in case you need a human voice.

[whenwillitend]

i can somewhat relate to how you're feeling. we were having nothing but problems with our son when he was little, he is ten now. he almost got kicked out of elementary school in second grade. at home he did things like punch holes in the wall. eventually we had him evaluated, and he was diagnosed as bipolar and is now on medication. it took me a long time to get over the guilt and fear and mental exhaustion. he is doing much better now, with the meds. especially since we switched pdocs and he was also diagnosed with adhd.
i don't know a whole lot about autism, but for me, just the thought of something being wrong with my son, my baby, was unbearable. and i felt so guilty, because most likely i gave it to him.
and my little guy, who is four now, has a heart defect. he is going to have heart surgery this year to fix it.

it must be extra hard for you, being pregnant, hormones all over the place, being extra weepy and emotional as is. can you talk to your husband? is he supportive? do you have a decent support system? how about a mom's group?

i'm sorry, i'm probably no help at all.

I do hope things will get a bit better for you, and that you will be able to calm down some.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Halfbaked. You are facing the overwhelming.

Originally Posted by halfbaked75

How you have made it through when it feels like you can't live through the day.

Apart from some help from benzodiazepines, I'm not sure how I've done that.

Originally Posted by halfbaked75

I'm going to try to re-start intensive outpatient treatment tomorrow.

How did it go?

[oliamble]

Hello, I don't know what substance I can add to unbearable pain you are going through since I'm a male and not a woman. I know it must be very hard what you are going through (I have suffered from depression for 14 yrs), and truthfully I wouldn't advice been on anti depressants while pregnant. It may have adverse side effects on the child, but have you spoken to your doctor about taking natural herbs in the meantime until you give birth and you can resume your anti depressant treatment (which will make you improve your depression).

I would advice as a sleeping aid, to take linden tea (in Spanish is tea de tilo), for the anxiety you might take the valerian root (I currently take it and it has helped me so far), and for depression (although not approved by FDA), you might give St. John's Wort a try. I take all these herbs and they have helped me after coming off anti depressants (Prozac) and anti-anxiety (klonopin) for almost 15 yrs.

These herbs can perhaps help you while in your pregnancy as to not expose your child to the chemicals contained in anti depressants and anti anxiety drugs such as the benzodiazepines.

I wish you luck & remember we are all here to bring each other support.

I just want you to know that if you need help caring for your son it doesn't mean you don't love him, and it doesn't mean you are a failure. In the case with disorders that interfere with relationships and attachment a child's comfort with a routine (and discomfort with change) might be misinterpreted as a need for a particular person such as their mother, and further the guilty feelings during the transition of letting others help care for them. If your son is no longer welcome at school I expect he is a real handful at home. I hope that you get an accurate diagnosis and the best care and advice, and most importantly, take the advice.

My younger brother suffered from a host of developmental disorders. My parents were advised that he would need to be in a home and my mother wouldn't have it. I can only speak from my perspective as an adult, but it would have been far better to get to see my brother in a home or inpatient setting once a once a week on pleasant terms than live with the hell he created in the home on a daily basis (a home I promptly left as soon as I could drive).

[AmybethMSW]

I have been there, both the depression & the autism ... it does get better. You'll learn to filter your son's negative behavior & the therapy will help him better navigate our world.

Find local resources for dealing with the school situation - is there a special needs PTA? It's illegal for a public school to not allow your son to attend. Should it come to it & you have to start legal action - chances are good there's an attorney who also has a kiddo with ASD & who will only be too happy to take on the school district.

Please feel free to contact me at amybeth986 at hotmail.com & we can talk more.

[RomanSunburn]

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. Your pain is understandable. Please be gentle with yourself.

Before you take anything, even natural herbs, you should still talk to your doctor. I'd talk to a pdoc and an obgyn, if you can.

[agma]

I work with kids with autism. That being said, I am not going to pretend to know what you are going through. Spending 4 - 6 hours with a child with autism is different than being with that child every day. Please don't be afraid to ask for help. There are programs that provide respite care and different services, depending on where you live. It's good that you got your son into ABA. With Autism, the earlier the intervention, the better. When working with kids with special needs, I find the positive qualities of that child, and then when the child is having a melt down, I remember and focus on those positive qualities to try to keep myself from getting overwhelmed. I also try to remember that they are not acting that way on purpose. Good luck with getting the diagnosis and with the new baby. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[GreyThinker]

That period of time when we are waiting for the results of something we fear can be dreadful, halfbaked75. It can only be worse since you are already suffering from anxiety and depression. Until you know for sure what your son is diagnosed with, I suspect you can expect to be in a bad way, so if sitting on the couch and watching TV for a while is all you can manage, then I believe you need to be doing that. You say you are still taking care of your son, so that is the most important thing done. Once you know the level, if any, of austism he has, I feel sure that you will be able to pick yourself up and work out a plan, considering your training and the fact that you love him very much. Being able to move forward and not just tread water - which is what you are doing at the moment - will relieve some of the stress. It will also mean you can start thinking about what to do with your son's schooling, because I am sure that is the other great worry on your mind. ((((hugs))))...

As for anti-depressant affecting foetuses - I don't know about that. I would like to observe though, that infants in the womb are also affected by the mother's mood. Unless there is a real, high chance of medication hurting your new baby, could you try a low dose? You being more relaxed and calm and coping well must surely be better for baby than being so distressed, even if you need a little help to be that way? By being calmer you will be more able to focus on eating well, getting some exercise and good sleep, and just generally being more confident you can handle whatever life brings?

PS I had/have two children with mental issues, so I am not speaking from ignorance. Each family situation is different but as with any child, there are often enough good times to make the struggling times worth it. You ARE a good mum... noone who cares as much as you do could be a bad one.

PPS Stop googling you know enough already, and there is no end of bad-news stories on there! May I suggest you go to the library with your son and bring home a couple of bags of storybooks and spend a day or two just cuddling and reading, laughing and crying with him?