[Sam2]

At the end of Nov., I decided to take a leave of absence from work to get back on my feet. All of Dec. Its almost time to go back and I'm left with the feeling that I have accomplished nothing. My hopes were to give my painful head a break, but its just not working. I'm on a daily cocktail of meds to control the pain, with 8 rescue injections a month, but my body has become tolerant to all the meds. They help very little and that black cloud of depression is falling down around me. No matter what I do, it causes pain. A constant icepick in the right eye with tremendous breakthrough pain a couple of times a week.

I know people with other chronic pain conditions that aren't always depressed and feel guilty that I am. The depression was a pre-existing condition, but I feel that I should be greatful that I have a place to live, clothes on my back, food to eat and a very good friend. For some, that would be paradise. There are times I wonder if I did something horrible and deserve this. I know that is all in my mind, but its so hard to shake.

Sam2

Sam I hope you can get help for the pain...I think anyone who has pain all the time would feel depressed about it but you don't deserve it. Just want you to know that I've seen your posts here to others and you have comforted me as well through them. I really hope you find relief and feel better.

[Marla500]

I second what Kelly said, what you are experiencing has got to wear you down sometimes. I also hope you can find some relief.

[Sam2]

Thank you both for your support. My ex sent my son's senior picures and I guess it really triggered a lot of bad memories and grief. I love my son, but have a lot of trouble looking at his picture without reliving losing him. I called him on Christmas and my ex answered the phone.

Before we made our final split, back when my son was two, I agreed to try going home for a few hours in the evening. (At the time, I was in school and both my ex and my son still lived in the apartment I'd rented for the time we would be in this state). It never failed. within ten minutes of my walking through the door, she would start crying and yelling at me. My son would clamp his hands over his ears and run to his room screaming no mommy no!
I never fought for custody because i didn't want him caught in the middle. (He was almost three, and long term memory starts between three and four years of age. This way, I hoped he would have no memory of his mother's tantrums.).

She had gone back to her homestate with my son to visit for Christmas that year, (the above took place about this time of year), so they were already there when the divorce was decided on. She told my son that I had left them because I was "sick in the head". Over the next few months, she called PITA and told them that my friend and her husband were abusing animals, (she had been accusing me of cheating on her with my friend. She knew better because I had always told her that cheating was one thing I couldn't get past in a marriage. She had accused me of cheating with lab partners and people I studied with before this accusation. ) The cops showed up with animal control, found the report to be a complete fabrication. The situation was explained to the cops who then told us where the report came from. Apparently people do that a lot. After that there was a month of foul messages on the answering machine. She harrassed my mother so badly that I had to take out a restraining order on my mother's behalf. (She lived fairly close to my ex, as did her parents, and my mother would pick my son up for the day once a week). That sort of thing went on for years afterwards, along with accusations that I was trying to kidnap my son when I would fly or drive in for a visit.

Anyway, all that came racing back the other day and its hit me hard.

Sam2