[always9]

So I have been working through depression for almost two years. I have sought medical help, and am on medication, and am also in therapy every week but am still really having trouble understanding part of this mess and would really like to hear a new perspective on it all... The first year of depression was really hard on me and on all of my close relationships. I'm fairly introverted and have 1 really close best friend who knows essentially everything about my life. After a year of depression, which I felt like I was coming out of or healing, I found out that my friend had been lying to my face for months about some pretty important stuff all involving another person in her life. It sounds ridiculous and petty, but the depth of the lies and the importance of that friendship being compromised sent me into an absolute tail spin. Anytime that friendship comes up now, I question my self worth and anytime the person the lies were about come up, I am physically and emotionally ill for hours. It's been 5 months since it all happened and I whole heartedly believe in forgiveness and reconciliation in all circumstances but I don't know how to not allow it to trigger my depression. It's ruining our friendship and its ruining every day of my week. Is it abnormal that this would become a trigger given the depression circumstance? Why would not only friendship but the one that was lied about trigger it all the time? Do you have any suggestions on how to manage it, given that o don't want to drop the friendship and my friend won't drop the friend she has that is usually the trigger?

[RomanSunburn]

Sorry it took so long for someone to respond! Welcome to PC!

I'm very sorry to hear that you are struggling. I don't think it's uncommon to feel more overwhelmed and upset by events that happen in our lives when we're depressed. I think it's kind of like that whole "If you're hungry, tired, thirsty, sick, etc, everything takes on a negative appearance" on a larger scale.

Have you talked to your T (Therapist) about the situation with your friend? Have they offered any suggestions?

For myself, I once had a negative experience with my husband when we just dating. And for a long time, years and years, whenever I got upset about anything, I'd always return to that experience, and I'd just start rehashing all those emotions over and over. I finally realized that I was returning to that experience because I already knew how to feel about it, that they were "comfortable emotions." I was afraid to start feeling the emotions that came with the things that were actually upsetting me. Once I realized that, I was able to start moving away and stop rehashing that experience. The way I came to that realization was through lots and lots of journaling. That might be something you want to look into.

The only other advice I can offer you is to just keep trying to get better. Keep going to therapy, maybe join a club or start exercising more (exercise has been shown to be as effective if not more so at treating depression as medication).

Have you seen your friend since it all came out? Have they explained their reasoning for lying? Are they at all remorseful?

I hope I was of some help. Again, welcome to PC!!

[Sam2]

It doesn't surprise me that your friendship is a trigger. When you only have one or two friends, you have more to lose. Betrayal is difficult when you have put your trust in someone and find out they lied to you.

Would your friend be receptive to discussing the matter? You deserve a lot of credit for wanting to repair the friendship rather than ending it. If your friend values your relationship as much as you do, she will sit down and talk with you.

You are not worthless. You are not the one who lied. It would seem to me that you are the stronger one. I agree with Roman. Talk to your therapist about the situation. Therapists aren't just for the initial problem, but also for the fallout that occurs as a result. It should be a place where you can discuss anything. They won't lie to you, aren't emotionally involved and are in a good position to help you work things out.

Sam2

[NoCake]

Friends are important but don't feel that their mistakes are a reflection of who you are as a person. Being lied to never feels good but lying was a choice that they made for better or worse. You can't blame yourself for that.

Putting yourself out there can be hard sometimes but don't beat yourself up. I agree with Sam about talking it over. You don't need to mention anything about triggers. Just let her know how you feel.

It's a very sad situation, in my view. Integrity has a vital role to play in any relationship that is to endure. Being willing to reconcile is admirable, but one wonders if it's really going to work to resolve the problem.

Both of you might benefit from seeing a psychiatrist at the same time together. The problems (and there will be more than one in a friendship that has lasted for years) need to be brought up and discussed, dismissed, and forgiven--if that's called for.

One never knows what the reasons were for lying, although I haven't been convinced in life that it is ever valid to be untruthful--even the word is offensive to me. Nevertheless, some people are dishonest in an effort to spare the feelings of the one hurt. Or a friend might try to be preserving the integrity of the other one by doing what he/she thinks is best in the long run for both members of the friendship.

I'm sure there must be remnants of love somewhere in the relationship. Remember that love is kind, gentle, forgiving, never rude, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things. It never ends (St. Paul's Corinthians' version).

Is there freedom in both members of the friendship? Are both living independent lives and still caring or is one of the friends out of tune with the inner motivations and drives of the other?

It is complicated. Sometimes, things do not heal, and it's best to go on one's way to develop friendships with those who have a strong integrity and real concern for the well-being of their friends.

If it's a trigger for depression, I would be wary, to say the least; that is
certainly not helpful for your peace and contentment. Again, reduction
of stress is vital for everyone.

Please continue the treatment for depression until you have learned to overcome the frailty of the friend who cannot be truthful with you.

Unfortunately, one in every 25 people has no conscience; that makes it difficult to try to deal with any long-term loyalty. Only a psychiatrist will be able to identify that for you if such is the case. If your friend is a psychopath, don't walk away----RUN.

So sorry this has happened to you. Take care.

[hungycaterpillar]

It is not abnormal that this would trigger depression. I would guess it would be abnormal if it didn't trigger some really sad feelings at least. As an introvert with one friend this must be particularly depressing and I am sorry you are going through this.

What about taking more time for yourself and your interests as a way to help and distract yourself? This will give you a break from your friend and possibly limit the impact on you. It is so difficult when those we love cause us hurt.