[TinySparrow]

Hey, so I've never done forums before, but this seems like a good place to start. I wrote a big long thing on the introductions page, so I'm going to focus in a little bit more here.

I have been struggling for the last few years, since I was about halfway through my undergrad career. I'm now in my second semester of graduate school, and the problems I had then, which seem like they never actually went away, seem to be back, even though they're not as bad right now as they were back in November. I've had problems with losing friends and dealing with real jerks that I don't understand, and it seems that while I love school and can handle that stress, I can't handle the persistent relationship issues. I've been to counseling a total of 3 times for feeling depressed, usually at the urging of a friend, but I don't know that it's ever really helped me that much. Except the second time, when it seemed much more like exploring who I am and why I respond to things the way I do.

I'm still dealing with trying to stop caring about this one friend I had. Our friendship just kind of imploded within the last month or so, and I haven't heard from him since a really stupid argument we had. My other friends say I'm better off, since he didn't treat me very well and obviously didn't consider me as much as I considered him, but it's still hurtful, and I'm having trouble dealing with it. I recently came to terms with the fact that he has been emotionally abusing me for a long time, and he did the same thing previously to a mutual friend (who cut him off completely, but it hurt her at least as much as this is hurting me).

I've been struggling less recently with being so sad that I am incapable of focusing on my schoolwork or enjoying myself when I see people, but I have been struggling with other things. At the risk of having to put a trigger icon on my post (which I didn't want to do, but this is probably important), I had started cutting last November when things were really bad and I was overwhelmed, in part because of this friend and in part because I felt so alone, and it had happened twice, I told a friend, and ended up going to counseling at my school (which I have since stopped, after 2 sessions...I did not like the counselor and always felt like I was defending the choices I had made). The last couple weeks I feel more isolated, I want to withdraw from being social and just stop talking to people because I don't want to bother or annoy anyone, but I can't get the situation with this friend and my feelings and my despair over my failure at getting help out of my head. And as much as I feel better in a way, I know I'm not because it never lasts long, I do feel isolated and withdrawn, and I've been starting to think about cutting again which is a horrible idea considering how ashamed it made me feel having to tell anyone about it. And I feel very emotionally distant from even the people I consider my closest family and friends. The other problem is that I am a strong, deeply rooted Christian, and I know what I believe, and I love God, but having to stop talking to this friend for my own good is making me feel like a terrible person/Christian because I know he could use a real friend, and I struggle with the fact that my problems are not as bad as most people's, yet I can't seem handle them very well. Life just seems like one big long series of unfortunate events, and every time something starts to seem like things will be ok, I get dragged back down by something dumb.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Sam2]

Even though you enjoy school, it is still a stressor. There is pressure both from yourself and others to excel. Every time you go up a level in education, the competition increases.

I do understand losing friends. I had a very tight friend who suddeny stopped wanting to have anything to do with me overnight. He never told me why, and to this day, I'm not sure. At the time it was devestating, mainly because I had no idea what I had done, and this was someone wih whom I had spent most of my time with. (This was a highscool thing). After something like that, you lose confidence in yourself and your ability to trust your instincts as far as people go.

Therapy is usually a long term thing, and the therapist isn't really there to give you answers. It is their job to gently guide the conversation in such a way that it leads you to find your own answers. Even though the terapist might have the answer, until you can come up with it yourself, it is much less likely that you will accept the answer. If you have a chance to stay in therapy, by all means, stay. Don't be ashamed to tell your therapist that you have cut yourself. That is a problem that can escalate quickly and go from being mild cuts to dangerously disasterous. Its like any other addiction, you think you have control over it, and by the time you realize that you don't, the behavior has been well established and is difficult to get rid of.

You might want to visit the self injury site, where you will find that there are many people who resort to that kind of behavior to release stress and temporarily make themselves feel better. It is not that uncommon, but if you don't get a handle on it now, it may become so ingrained that you can't stop. I started when I was a preteen and wasn't able to stop until two years ago. I'm 49. I never went for help and things escalated. There would be cooling off periods followed by ever more violent episodes until I was cutting so deep that the last time almost killed me. You really don't want to go there. Telling your therapist won't shock her. I'm sure she has seen it before.

Don't try to get into a relationship at this point. You need to feel good about yourself before you can give to a relationship. Its not easy to avoid isolation when you are depressed, but again, the longer it goes on, the harder it is to stop. To back to your therapist and see if you can't get a regular schedule going. Right now you are working on an education that will undoubtedly help you in the future. If you can hold onto that, if nothing else, you will know that you are capable of accomplishing something important and get some of your self esteem back.

Sam2

In your religious views have you ever considered studying the "Exercises of Ignatious Loyola"? I have found his method of our examination of our inner selves to be the best and most reasonable way to get at what is really the problem within us.

They are available online and I just printed several of them to study from time to time when I needed refreshing on how things were on the interior.

Problems are not so easily solved by looking outward; they are far more easily resolved by looking inward (where most of the reconstructive work on ourselves is really accomplished.)

Take care.

[TinySparrow]

Sam2: Yeah, school is a stressor, and it is a lot of pressure. But it's a pressure I'm used to and know how to handle. It's nice to hear you understand about losing people though. It's been a running theme the last 4-5 years. As one of my friends put it once, while I am not the cause of drama I seem to be surrounded by it. I don't know why that is, but it's ruined friendships. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, beyond friends. School is time consuming, and I've got my hands full with handling that on top of everything else. But that completely makes sense, and it's something I've given plenty of thought to. If you don't know who you are or aren't in a good state of mine, you can't contribute well to a relationship. I find it a bit disturbing that so many people I have met in the past few years only know me at my worst. As for the rest, I'll consider what you said. I do think I need to find a different counselor though, I discussed it with the couple people who know what's going on and they agree that I would benefit from a switch. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

genetic: I have never heard of them, but I'll take a look when I have a moment. Personally, I think a lot can be gained from changing one's focus from the self to focusing on the needs of others. Unfortunately I get trapped in my own head and can't think about anything else. I think this is what you mean by looking inward, evaluating what is going on. I always found journaling to be a good outlet for that and a good way to talk myself through and understand what's going on. I really need to be more consistent though. School has become an excuse, that I'm too tired to do things I know would be beneficial in the long run. Sometimes it's just hard to make yourself do something you know will help. Almost like you don't want it, you're so comfortable with how things have become. Thanks for your input.