[unfearless]

i'm lucky i had a girlfriend who's in love with me and accept me for what i am. but why i always felt she deserves someone better than me, i want to break-up with her but i dont have the heart to tell her that i cant do this anymore, i have bigger mental problems than she could imagine. moreover, she ask about getting married a lot, i dont know what to do or say. i can't be the guy for her, she's normal and she deserves a normal guy, not me. i want her to be happy, normal life, normal husband, have kids, happy. how can i be that man if i'm still depressed & suicidal every single day.

i dont hang out with friends anymore, i dont have real friends anyway, i dont socialize, i only speak where i need to speak, quite, loner, i'm weird. i used to always feel that i'm lonely back in my high-school & college years, but i enjoy being lonely for some quite years now, i'm pretty much avoiding people, i hate them, i dont want to talk to them. for all my life they're all unfair to me, they underestimate me, they laugh at me, & what makes me really angry is that they dont RESPECT me, i always respect people but why they cant RESPECT me! why!! i dont lie to them but why they lie to me!! why everything is unfair in this life!? i'm done with social life , i dont want anything to do with it anymore, i just live my own life now. I dont know when i can be normal, not now, not anytime soon. I'm confused with my life, with this life, i dont understand how to survive in this life anymore. I need to go away, but i'm going nowhere, there's only life and death, i never ask to be born in this life. And i'm struggling with the second choice, death. i have this strong urge to see the world inside death, but i know there's no way back, no way back to ask for forgiveness from my family, it's sad to always think about that everyday. now i'm trapped in this hole called life.

[1hopefulgal]

I think it is wonderful of you to want more for your girlfriend. It is quite possible that she has her own issues, those of enabling. She probably thinks that if she stands by you that you will get better, when instead, she is just getting sucked into your illness.

Maybe you should tell your girlfriend that you love her so much that you think the best thing to do is take a break so you can focus on yourself. Let her know that you are doing it for her, but be clear that you are not asking her to wait for you to get better. Let her know that if she finds someone else, that you understand.

[GreyThinker]

Maybe you could go to shared therapy so she could understand you better and you might feel better about accepting her love. If she loves you if would be a shame to push her away so you have an even smaller social life and it will only make you feel worse about yourself. Depression can be improved over time and it would be so sad to lose someone who seems to be so supportive.

I'm sorry 1hopefulgal, please don't be offended but I don't agree with your comments. If unfearless pushes this girl away, won't that become another thing to feel bad about? I think the girl should be allowed to choose for herself, and so far she seems willing to stay. Also, most people think their partner could be with someone better then them. It does not mean they are right .

[Sam2]

I agree with 1hopefulgal that you should be honest about your situation with your girlfriend. If she doesn't have a problem with it, let her choose whether or not she can handle it. Unless you don't love her anymore, if she wants to stay, let her. Once she knows how badly you feel, if she sticks around, she is a gem that you might not want to let go of. This would not be the time to try and enter into a new relationship, but its already established. She is an adult and capable of telling you whether or not she can handle it.

What you are feeling now is the result of your depression. Depression is just as much an illness as a physical illness. You are not a worthless person. Your girlfriend obviously saw something in you, and still does. Since you think highly of her, then the fact that she chose you to be with should tell you that you are important.

Should your girlfriend choose to stand by you, think about counselling sessions that include her as well. You can have your own sessions, but have some with your girlfriend. That way, she can learn how to help you and you won't have to go through it alone. I understand how awful you feel and your dark thoughts. Sometimes you have to keep telling yourself that what you are feeling (as far as not liking people, thinking you aren't good enough), are a result of your illness. If you broke your leg, you would feel physical pain and probably some frustration from having it in a cast. Your illness is emotional, and the symptoms of that are pain from your psyche. Just as you would limp with an injured leg, your mind is limping. Emotional pain can be just as bad and just as devestating as physical pain. Sometimes there is also physical pain with depression.

Suicide is not the answer, as you have pointed out. While it may end your pain, it will leave others full of pain, guilt, anger. Usually, when people think they want death, what they really want is for the pain to stop. You can use your family and girlfriend as reasons why you need to keep trying.

People will start respecting you when you respect yourself again. That is a bit simplistic, but its also true. Keep working on climbing out of that hole. It will take work and time, but when you succeed, you will respect yourself for what you have gone through and been able to fight.

Sam2

It seems like you are a generous person to think of your girlfriend, that she deserves better. If you love her and she loves you for the way you are ("warts and all") then I wouldn't be so swift in letting her go IMHO. If you don't love her then let her go.

You are very lucky to have someone like that. If you let her go and she agrees then it may take a long time for you to find someone as good or better than her. In fact, you may never find someone as good as her again.

I think that you should tell her how you feel. Don't emphasize about the letting her go part. Just talk more about you thinking that she deserves better than you. I think that she's not going to agree with that and probably would not let you go easily.

I think that the joint counseling would be a good idea so that she would understand you better. But it seems like she understands you very well enough as it is. You are very lucky to have that because not many would take the time and be patient with someone with depression.